I have been married for 15 yrs. About 2 years ago my husbands mother passed on to Cancer. She died 1 yr after diagnosed. This event in my husband's life was very traumatic. His father died in 1986. Just 3 months before his mother's passing we bought our first house. Nice home in good neighborhood. Was really excited about our future. Since his mother's death our life together has not been the same. At first the rocky road lasted about 4 mos. Then we decided to make it work. Well it worked for about 5 mos and then started going down hill again. In my eyes he has alienated himself from me and our 2 girls ( 6 & 11). Very little family activity, as well as no one on one for just us two. When he is home, he is pretty much in his own little world. I try to bring this to his attention and he seems to think he is no different than before. I feel like I receive no affection from him anymore and am very lonely. I want more than anything in the world for my marriage to last a lifetime, as I am still very much in love with my husband. I have walked on egg shells for many months now while trying to give him time to work out whatever problems he has going on personnally. I have given support in all aspects of the word. I know he loves me. He tells me so. He says he will always love me. However his actions prove otherwise. He hardly listens to anything I have to say. I am always competing with the TV or a newspaper or magazine....always having to ask him if he heard me, or just getting up and leaving the room with him not even realizing I left. <P>Anyway, after many arguments about our past life together, we have separated just 2 days ago. I guess you could say it was an agreement we both came to. However, I am very reluctant about this decision. In the past several months we have had many arguments about faults, which we both have, I might add. <P>Our mutual decision to separate at this time is supposed to be a trial run to see if this is what we both want. Although I know this is not what I want. But I do know I do not want to continue to be married, living in the conditions I have been subjected to on and off for the past 1 1/2 yrs. I want our family to be just that - a real family again. I can't bring myself to understand how it can be so hard for him when he says he will always love me. I feel this separation will only hurt the situation. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Will he ever come home? I told him, when he left that I am still his wife and married. I have no intentions of starting a relationship with someone else at this point in my life. He assured me of the same. But now that he is gone, I feel like he will never come back, even though I have assured him that's what I want if at anytime he decides the same. <P>Has anyone here ever had a trial separation that ended up just temporary? <P><P>------------------<BR>Windy

I just wanted to let you know that I feel for ya, sounds like he is suffering a withdrawl due to the death of his parents, maybe he hasn't dealt with it yet. I can't imagine loosing both parents so close together like that. Was he very close to his parents? Maybe he is in withdrawl so he doesn't have to deal with the pain of the loss of his parents which in turn might make him in withdrawl from you and your family. I have been in withdrawl for a long time in my relationship for other reasons and I know that being in that state made it very hard to be close to my H and anyone else for that matter, it was like I turned off all my emotions to protect myself from being hurt. I don't know if this makes any sense, or if this may be the reason or not but I just wanted to reply and let you know that I feel for ya and it does help to keep talking on here with others. I hope everything works out for you.

Windee,<P>My wife and I have just started a trial separation. I sympathize with you as it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I love my wife dearly and want to work on the fixing the relationship. She just wants her independance. <P>You and I have so many parallels in our situation:<BR>My wife's mother died of cancer 2 years ago, and our relationship started coming apart then. She withdrew into herself and avoided affection, didn't want to spend any time with me or together as a family (we have a daughter, age 5). We bought a house three years ago, a big ol' dump of a place in a nice neighbourhood. I have worked my butt off to renovate, landscape, and pay for it. Now we finally have a beautiful home, we may loose it. At least we won't loose any money if we sell, my wife had the house appraised last fall and it has doubled in value, (I guess she was thinking ahead!)<P>I just bought this book to help us through the separation, it's pretty good. Maybe you should try it: "Should I Stay or Go : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage" by Lee Raffel. <P>Link to it at Amazon here:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=953300079/sr=8-1/102-0090123-4880068" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=953300079/sr=8-1/102-0090123-4880068</A> <P>Good luck, and keep in touch,<BR>Kenneth<BR>

Windee:<P>It sounds like your husband is suffering from depression---and it's often very hard to get someone like him to a doctor and on medication. Which is a shame, becuase there are plenty of effective, low risk meds for this.<P>I would suggest you consider a "Plan A" approach right now (out of Surviving an Affair). Learn the marriagebuilder concepts, and make the time you do spend together fun for your husband. Revolve it around family activities. Remain completely committed to your marriage. And I'd start counseling with a marriage counselor, even if you are doing it completely by yourself.<P>Kenneth, a remark of yours hit home<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We bought a house three years ago, a big ol' dump of a place in a nice neighbourhood. I have worked my butt off to renovate, landscape, and pay for it. Now we finally have a beautiful home...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It sounds like you neglected your wife for those years. Not intentionally, and not because you weren't doing things for the family that you thought very important...<P>Remember Harley's rule of time---15 hrs/week of quality time together. Now that could be gutting old plaster and putting up sheetrock (although being a renovation buff---I'd prefer it if you save the old plaster...)---but you need to be doing these projects together.<P>You have the same task. Making times with your wife pleasant and fun. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Kenneth:<BR><B>Windee,<P>My wife and I have just started a trial separation. I sympathize with you as it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I love my wife dearly and want to work on the fixing the relationship. She just wants her independance. <P>You and I have so many parallels in our situation:<BR>My wife's mother died of cancer 2 years ago, and our relationship started coming apart then. She withdrew into herself and avoided affection, didn't want to spend any time with me or together as a family (we have a daughter, age 5). We bought a house three years ago, a big ol' dump of a place in a nice neighbourhood. I have worked my butt off to renovate, landscape, and pay for it. Now we finally have a beautiful home, we may loose it. At least we won't loose any money if we sell, my wife had the house appraised last fall and it has doubled in value, (I guess she was thinking ahead!)<P>I just bought this book to help us through the separation, it's pretty good. Maybe you should try it: "Should I Stay or Go : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage" by Lee Raffel. <P>Link to it at Amazon here:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=953300079/sr=8-1/102-0090123-4880068" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=953300079/sr=8-1/102-00901 23-4880068</A> <P>Good luck, and keep in touch,<BR>Kenneth</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kenneth,<BR>Thank you for your post. Although, I know I am not the only person in the world feeling the way I do, I often feel that I am. It's a terrible lonely feeling, I might add. You see our problems started when my husband started resenting me for what he feels now was not enough time spent with his mother prior to her death. I know the guilt he feels over this is normal and all adult childred feel this to a point after the loss of a parent...."I should have been there more" type thing. My husband and I both work in the healthcare field. He is a Respiratory Therapist at a hospital about 40 miles from our home. I work in the admitting office at a hospital about 10 miles from our home.<P>The situation with the illness of his mother is complicated. She had 3 childred living withing 30 mile of her and a 4th about 175 miles away. My husband and I were her primary care givers, with her son of 175 miles doing what he could as often as he could. The other two children living near by, did very little to help. Just before she was diagnosed, my husband left his job of 13 years at the facility where I am still employed to take a job of his same profession that paid considerably more money. So being a new employee at this job, it was really hard to miss too much work, on account of his mother. He really did do the best he could, I have no doubt. I too helped with shopping and paying bills for his mother, helping her bathe, and cooking for her at times. In the beginning there were daily visits to the hospital for radiation therapy. We did the best we could with the help of the local Cancer Society. Ironically, she passed away on the cancer floor at the hospital in which he is still employed. <P>Since her death, he has placed blame on me for him not spending enough time with her. At first I allowed for this to happen, as I knew he was in alot of pain and did not want to say "you're a big boy, you spent your extra time how you chose". I truly feel he did what he could. Having 2 kids at young ages, he still had to spend time with them, too. I really feel he should have come to term with these feelings of guilt by now. He certainly has nothing to feel guilty about and should not be placing blame on anyone else, as it clearly has not helped the situation. I have repeatedly explained to him that his mother would not have wanted things to turn out this way because of her death.<BR>I really think this is a type of depression. I have asked him to seek professional help and being very stubborn man, he refuses to do so.<P>Now our relationship is to the point that <BR>I don't understand anything anymore. I resent him, now, for what he has done to our family....and I feel sorry for him bacause he is so pitiful and doesn't even realize it.<P>This man has been my lifeline since I was 17 yrs old. Like any other couple, over the past 15 yrs of marriage, we have had our ups and downs, but have come along way. I will continue to hope, as my plans are to share the rest of my life with this man. I will be there for him always. We have talked atleast 3 times a day since we separated. And when he talks about his future he always refers to it as "us" or "we". So I have not given up on him yet. Maybe he just needs time.

K,<P>Your guess would seem likely, but I can assure it's quite the opposite. I have been very attentive and giving to my wife, filling every need she would allow me. <P>The problem is she never would say what she really wanted no matter how I asked her. She would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear. Also, she started to close me out of her life. She refused to spend time alone with me, refused to go out with me for the evening. Over the past 3 years we have gone out about 2 or 3 times per year. <P>She also told me she didn't want to do things as a family, no picnics, no walks in the woods, no trips to the zoo. Nothing. <P>If I tried to talk about problems in our relationship, such as this withdrawl her answer would be to tell me to leave her alone, she will work it out. So I stopped pressing her for the last six months. She worked it out all right; 2 months ago she told me she wants out of the marriage.<P>Obviously there were some needs of hers I wasn't filling, or some ways that I was love busting. I'm trying to deal with that now but it may be too late.<P>Kenneth

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Kenneth:<BR><B>K,<P>Your guess would seem likely, but I can assure it's quite the opposite. I have been very attentive and giving to my wife, filling every need she would allow me. <P>The problem is she never would say what she really wanted no matter how I asked her. She would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear. Also, she started to close me out of her life. She refused to spend time alone with me, refused to go out with me for the evening. Over the past 3 years we have gone out about 2 or 3 times per year. <P>She also told me she didn't want to do things as a family, no picnics, no walks in the woods, no trips to the zoo. Nothing. <P>If I tried to talk about problems in our relationship, such as this withdrawl her answer would be to tell me to leave her alone, she will work it out. So I stopped pressing her for the last six months. She worked it out all right; 2 months ago she told me she wants out of the marriage.<P>Obviously there were some needs of hers I wasn't filling, or some ways that I was love busting. I'm trying to deal with that now but it may be too late.<P>Kenneth</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kenneth,<BR>Our few similarities are quite scary. The last time my husband took me out, just us two, was Valentine's Day 1999. I had a lovely time. But he, too, doesn't care whether he spends quality time with me alone or with me and my girls as a family anymore.<BR>My 2 girls are my life right now. I truly don't know what I would do without them. We are together all the time.<P>I have to admit, I have often wondered if he was or is seeing someone else. But with his schedule it just don't click. But trust me, I have investigated any little thing I felt needed investigated. After awhile you just get desperate for answers. <P>For now we are very civil to one another. And he is not leaving me high and dry as far as my kids go or financially. <P>Tonight will be the real challange for me. Both my girls will be gone for an overnight with Girl Scouts. I will be alone for the first time I can even think of in a very long time. I plan to rent a couple videos and just chill. Although, I am optimistic, I know this night will be very hard for me.<P>Good luck, Kenneth. Whatever finally happens between you and your wife, just remember you have a five year old that does need and loves you very much.<P><BR>

Windee,<P>Watching some videos is a great idea. Call up a girlfriend or two and make a good time of it. My advice on video choices: comedy only. <P>I went and saw "Magnolia" a few weeks ago and it bummed me out for days. It's a great movie but I didn't need to watch 3 hours of lonely people struggling with regret, infidelity, death and fear of intimacy. I can get that at home!<P>About your H's attitude regarding your care for his mother: Tell him you did as much as you could but even if you did ten times more it wouldn't have made any difference. He has to accept that. He needs councelling to deal with his grief. He seems to be projecting his guilt onto you.<P>About your relationship, get some couples councilling. He may have some needs he won't talk about. Ask him what his emotional needs are and how you would want them fullfil them. Then do that. I realize that you are separated so this won't be easy, but maybe it's a start.<P>I'm thinking about our coincidences in our situations. I know now my wife had unmet needs, but she wouldn't talk about them with me. I also know now I was "love busting" her, but she wouldn't talk about that either. Her way of dealing with it was to put up with it until she couldn't take it anymore and then leave. I'm hoping it's not too late to turn this around. <P>I'm hoping for you, Windee, that it's not too late and you can turn him around. For now, leave him alone, don't pressure him. Give him some space.<P>Big important thing!!!! Look after yourself. Be positive, eat, sleep and exercise. Have some fun. See your friends. Keep a journal and write down your feelings, thoughts, needs, hopes, plans, what you're angry about, and what your're happy about.<P>Hang in there,<BR>Kenneth

(Quote deleted, see above)<P>Windee,<P>My situation has been that I have had to undergo some intense therapy because of abuses I suffered as a child. Not physical but mental.<P>My parents bounced me back and forth as a child and eventually sent me off to boarding school. The continual re-occurence of my feelings of abandonment carried with me into my adult life, and triggered whenever I lost something I cared about, loved, or was attached to.<P>This is my example, but what I am saying is that maybe there is something that was some emotion that was triggered that he does not understand and cannot deal with.<P>I never understood mine until my wife of 9 years left me and triggered the emotion in me, which is so painful and hurts SO bad, that I considered taking my own life.(don't call the police! I am fine now.)<P>But when you don't understand your emotions and stuff them, it just gets worse.<P>And I believe that most of us don't want to stuff our emotions, we just are afraid of them, or embarrased.<P>Good luck with everything and you will be in my prayers.