I have been married for 5 yrs. I have always believed that I have always been too impatient when it comes to picking the men in my life....instead of waiting on God to pick my soulmate. I have two beautiful children both boys. The oldest is not his biological child, but the only father he knows. My husband and I have not slept together in 2 yrs probably and have not had any sex or any intimate moments in over 1 yr. We are both 38 yrs old and we can barely stand to be in the same room along together. We put up with each other so our children will think we are happy? I don't know how they will grow up seeing their father never hug their mom. Or seeing their dad say goodnight every night to them , but not to their mom and sleeping in the other room. We tried counseling once, and the counselor said he could not meet any of my needs as a husband that those needs must be met by God because my husband did not know how to love. (he was brought up in a very very bad situation) I on the other hand had a very loving mom and dad (but slighty dysfunctional~~my dad was an alcoholic) anyway I always choose wrong men! My husband is a very good provider, but I feel that I am all alone in every aspect. I can't see any hope of us every getting better if we both don't do something! I am very involved in my church and go by myself all the time ~~ and find it so sad to see other christian couples ~~ because I feel I will never have that connection with mine. There have been sooooo many hurtful words and I believe there is no love left between us. He says if I will have SEX with him that that will help !! I know I can't give myself to someone that is not capable of any type of connection or intimacy in other words he just wants sex! I don't want to feel used. And that is what I felt like when we were having sex. He does not nurture me or take care of me other than financial. How can you live like this? DO you think God forgives divorce? I know He does, but I can't imagine continuing like this .....anyone? I am new here , so please help if you can.

There is a lot of info on this site that can help you. Have you read thru the Basic Concepts on the homepage?<P>The book, His Needs, Her Needs is also a good place to start.<P>Your counselor sounds worthless..your H can learn to meet your needs and you his. It takes work, but it can be done.<P>Don't give up...<P>Kathi

Kathi, I have read everything there is and I know that I am in a no win situation. How can a marriage work if your partner is not willing to WORK HARD~~or do the least little thing? Several people that know him say that he will never be able to meet those needs!

Welcome to Marriage Builders.<P><B>It is in your best interest to a have loving relationship with your husband and the father of your children.<BR>It is in you husband’s best interest to be in a loving relationship with his wife and the mother of his children.</B><P>The way I see it you have three options.<P>1. You can keep things the way that they are in your relationship<BR>2. You can divorce your husband and attempt to build a new life.<BR>3. You can make a commitment to improve your marriage and follow through with it<P>If you and your husband had an emotional connection before you got married you can find this feeling again. I am assuming from your previous post that you have read His Needs Her Needs. I would also recommend Lovebuster and Give and Take if you have not read them. <P>You must learn to met each other’s most important emotional needs. Did he meet your emotional needs before you married him?<P><P>------------------<BR>Scott

Scott, I have read "His Needs and Her Needs" and lots of other great material! I seem to be the one that searches for answers and realize what an awful relationship I am in. And yes I believe it is the "Best" situation if husband and wife stay together. But are you saying one person (the husband or the wife) can save a marriage all by themselves. When there is not a willing partner? No he did not meet my emotional needs when we dated. Looking back I can see that we were just in "lust" -- we liked each other, but didn't really know one another. He has a very bad past where the family he grew up in didn't teach him how to love ~~ alot of emotional abuse. There were some red flags also when we dated (for just 3 months) that I overlooked. I feel that a healthy person picks another healthy person. Maybe I am not so healthy myself that is why I continue to pick unhealthy men. I also believe that I have never allowed God to pick my mate ~~ I have also been too impatient. That is why I am staying put where I am because I want what God wants. I just can't see through all of this though. My husband just thinks that if he provides the living that that is all he has to do as a husband. That I am suppose to just cook, clean and lay down for him......and that he doesn't have to give me anything. I can't bare to exist this way.

Roseflower:<P>One spouse can throw out an olive branch to the other in attempt to bring them back from the state of withdrawal to the state of conflict. It does take both partners working together for both of you to find your way to the state of intimacy. <P>I think that you and your husband need to start from scratch and learn to meet each other’s emotional needs. It sounds like neither one of you has much motivation to work on your marriage. If there really is an end to your misery without a divorce, doesn’t that sound a lot more appealing than just letting things stay the same? <P>I suggest that you contact the Marriage Builder’s counseling center and make one appointment with Steve Harley. If your husband does not want to participate then just do it for yourself. After your appointment then decide if you want to work on your marriage. <P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott