I hope I'm not just fanning my own flame here...I almost hesitate writing b/c of that.<P>Does anyone else think that advice, experience, and perspective coming from a single (and not in a relationship) person is fundamentally different that that from a married person?<P>W and I are in a little rut regarding this point, in a way. I guess I think that those who aren't married/committed can't ultimately understand the functionings of a married relationship.<P>To get to the point, I guess, I feel like our single friends are, well, not entirely sensitive to our needs (W and I) and I think W is feeling pressure to see things their way.<P>OK, I'm vague. Certain friends can't seem to see that we need quality time together and act puzzled when we don't commit to plans with them right away. And W seems to feel bad (more than I do for sure) if we decline so she often gives in, or wants to.<P>W and I negotiate fine, and we never stay mad or resentful or anything like that. We have an active social life, we are gracious and generous hosts, etc. But I do think it would be a healthy eye-opener if she considered the question I pose above (she doesn't believe it, really)...single people don't get it sometimes.<P>I would love feedback...has anyone experienced this? Does it seem that married couples understand each other better---and are able to relate better couple-to-couple---than singles and married couples?<P>Sorry so vague...I'm trying to stay in the loving feelings while still getting my point across. I don't like venting. Thanks

Theoretically, you are probably right. Talk about vague... (Hang on, this relates, really) When I first started teaching, I handled kids with all the love and care I had in me. Then I got married and had kids of my own. All at once, I could see things from a perspective I was not even aware of BK. Greater depth of emotion and understanding, more compassion...<BR> So, it stands to reason that singles, or unmarried couples may not have the perspective that married couples do. The singles may not even realize that they have not experienced the depth of feeling and commitment that a married couple has, so how could you even explain it to them? When, as a new teacher, a parent told me I couldn't understand because I didn't have children of my own, I was just insulted. Now I agree.

I don't know if I have any advice on this, but my H kinda acts this way. We married young. We had a child even younger(parents at 17, married by the time he was 18 and I was almost 18). Because of this, he is on a constant "pity party" because of all he had to give up. Lost Youth, missed out on being carefree, gave up alot of plans. Well, the same thing happened to me and I don't act this way. I don't dwell on the past, I look to the future. So when he does something careless and stupid, he chalks it up to making up for lost crazy teen years. He complains that none of his friends have to get up every morning, go to work, come home, be a responsible husband and parent, go to sleep, and get up and do it all over again. He feels that he has the right because he had to grow up so fast. Right now there isn't much I can do, because he is in Withdrawal and has been staying at his Dad's for 5 weeks. So I can't bring up this, or anything else, til we get ourselves back on track. But I hope to resolve this in the future.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Certain friends can't seem to see that we need quality time together and act puzzled when we don't commit to plans with them right away. And W seems to feel bad (more than I do for sure) if we decline so she often gives in, or wants to.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can totally relate to this. When we got married, my H's best friend could not get this at all. He pressured us to spend time with him. He dropped over, unannounced, to "hang out". I tried to let my H know that I needed quality time with him, and I needed to know that our relationship was important to him...not something he'd throw leftover scraps of time at. I did not mind doing some things with his friend and the other single friends we had, but I also wanted "date time" and private time. His friends didn't get it. This situation dragged on a long time, til I gave up and withdrew some of my deepest feelings. It did a lot of damage.<P>The first counselor we saw described it as his inability to set up boundaries to protect our relationship.<P>Your marriage needs quality time!!!<P>

Thanks, all.<P>We do fine spending time together...we're never bored, we're affectionate, creative, etc.<P>It's almost just a manners thing...both of us---but particularly W---are loathe to say no to a friend. Usually, we both enjoy the company and the socializing. But it's nice when the friend "meets us halfway" and respects our boundaries as a couple without us having to state them. That might sound silly or presumptuous, but the way I see it, what's so out of line with expecting others to consider their actions beforehand? Having second thoughts, for instance, about dropping in unexpectedly on married friends isn't such a bad idea!