My husband and I have been married for four years and we have two children from newborn to two and a half years old. We are purchasing our first home which has been very stressful. I am in direct sales which I am bringing home less than him because I choose to work less and be with the children. He is very money hungry to the point where he constantly puts me down and calls me terrible names. I know he is under a lot of stress with work, grad school, and the house, but I am to the point I cannot take it any longer. Everything is my fault, he will not read books or seek counseling and I cannot communicate with him because he begins to scream and will not listen to what I say. With my home based business, I was able to show a loss on our taxes which is now hurting us with the house purchase and I have not been the greatest with my credit report. I believe that it will all work out, but I do not know if I want to keep on with how he treats me. I do not want my sons to grow up thinking this is how you treat your wife. My two year old already is telling him to, "be nice to Mommy?" What do I do? He use to be my best friend and now I cannot talk to him. Tonight he told me that he does not love me and that I am a fat [censored]. I feel like I have to keep on for my children and because I made a vow to God in front of hundreds of people. Do you have any advice?

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend.

There is never an escuse for anyone to call you names, yell at your, or abuse you in any way. No matter what he says, he has no excuse to do this to you. You have made a sacrifice in income to be home with your children. Your time is every bit as important as his. Even if he will not go to counseling, you should go when you are ready. At least it will help give you strength, and may help you make a decision. <BR> For what reason would you be staying in such a relationship? Even though you feel guilt about breaking vows you made in front of so many people, they are not living through what you are. Don't let the guilt influence you. Your husband made a vow to love, honor and obey you, too. If he is truly the head of the household, he needs to treat you as Christ treated the church, laying down his life for it. Pretty tough act to follow. Is he living up to it? <BR> You are right. The kids will think this is the way to treat women. <BR> Be strong of heart.<BR>

Dodi,<P>While it's clear that your husband is exhibiting "abusive" behavior, there are other ways to deal with this.<P>You made a vow to love, honor, and obey your husband. He clearly doesn't feel that you're living up to your side of the bargain. Granted, "fat [censored]" probably isn't the best relationship-building way to express dissatisfaction with your spouse, but he's being honest with you. <P>My best advice would be for you to call MarriageBuilders and arrange counseling through Steve or Jennifer Harley. I've used Steve and he is terrific. Counseling would be a great benefit to you, even if your husband won't attend---but make sure that it's counseling for your marriage. It sounds as though money might be an issue, so if you can't go that way, try to read everything on this website: basic concepts, Q&A columns, articles (that goes for Katt too---you seem to have a lack of understanding of the MB principles). The books that would help you right off the bat would be "Lovebusters", and "Give and Take". I'd encourage you to read through these, learn the concepts, and then start to apply them.<P>If you can, sit down with your husband and try to get him to express his issues with the marriage in an honest and open way. Preferrably without lovebusters on his part, but ignore them and hear his message anyway. Is the stress of money the root cause here? Are your spending habits? The house purchase? Or is it because you're lovebusting (angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, selfish demands)? Or not meeting his needs?<P>Find out the problems. And then sit with him and make plans to resolve them, using the Policy of Joint Agreement (you must both enthusiastically agree to the solution). And then you should begin to implement the plans, and ask for feedback on how you're doing. And if you identify the right issues and get a good plan in place and execute it---he's probably going to start acting like he loves you again. He'll be your best friend.<P>I know that this is going to sound "unfair"---why should you do all the work when it's your husband's problem? But it's clearly both your problems---and you're the one here looking for solutions. This use of the MarriageBuilder principles by one spouse can be tremendously effective. It will take longer than if both people are on board, but it can work. Give it a shot. <P>I'd also ask you to not escalate fights or arguments. Try a couple of different approaches when he gets argumentative: the best one is to agree with what he says and then ask for a solution.<P>I'd try this approach for as long as you can "deal" with the situation. It would be best to give yourself at least 6 months under the guidance of a counselor trained with the MB techniques. I'm guessing that you will see very fast results if you're successful. It will certainly be worth your while to try this: you need to learn the skills and behaviors that support a marriage, and while having your children growing up in this type of atmosphere is harmful, divorce will likely not be a much better option. These issues can be fixed, and I'd suggest this approach as your first one.