I really don't know what to do. My marriage, if not dead, is on life support. We have been married for 6 years, and have one daughter. Our marriage has reached the point where, if not for my daughter, and the risk of not being with her -- which is more than I can bear to think about -- I would leave in a heartbeat. To say that my wife is unhappy with me is a huge understatement. I literally cannot remember the last time she showed me any affection. I'm not even talking about sleeping together -- I'm talking about a kiss before work, or upon returning home, or before bed. I'm talking about a kind gesture, or even a smile. When I see couples walking hand-in-hand, obviously in love, it breaks my heart.<BR>How did this disaffection come to pass? It has its roots in the fact that my wife is British, while I'm American. After we married (but not before), my wife decided that she could only be happy if she lived back in the UK (not a word of this pre-marriage). To relocate, however, would be financially and professionally ruinous for us. (My wife doesn't like to hear this -- when I attempt to explain it to her, she accuses me of "being negative"). Her unhappiness about this has poisoned our marriage. I am at the stage where I alternate between fantasizing about leaving (which I always reject because of my daughter -- even if I could handle divorce, and loss of custody, I'm afraid my wife might skip off to the UK with her), and resigning myself to a cold, loveless marriage, at least until my daughter is college-aged. But that's a long way off (my daughter is only 5), and I'm almost 45. I feel like my life is ruined -- one way or another, I'm going to be destroyed emotionally, and that I'm going to miss out either on the joys of a happy marriage, or the joys of parenthood.<BR>God, if only I could relive the last 7 years, and do things differently. But I realize that this is a pointless fantasty.<P>Nothwithstanding my wife's behavior, I could still have a life with her if she would change. I don't think I could ever deeply love her, after the way she has treated me for the past 3 years, but I could love her enough to make a successful marriage. The problem is, I don't see her as capable of compromise -- things just keep getting colder and more hostile. What should I do?<P>

Mike,<P>Given the depths of your despair and dissatisfaction with your marriage, my best piece of advice for you would be to call Steve Harley and arrange for marriage counseling through MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). I've counseled with Steve, and he's really tremendous, and I'm betting that he would help you with a plan. I would do this immediately---without asking your wife to participate first (Steve will work out the details).<P>You appear to be in a "Taker" mode. You say that your wife is unhappy with you---but you don't mention any reasons why (other than living in the US). You complain: no affection, "poisoned marriage", couldn't ever deeply love her. And you see your marriage as getting worse, and more hostile.<P>Well, whatever you've been doing to try to remedy the situation---STOP!!! It isn't working. My guess is that you're using punishment and "education" to try to get your way.<P>The first line of marital recovery for you is to learn how to be a good husband for your wife ("unfair!" you scream). It may not be fair, but it's EFFECTIVE. I would suggest (if you don't do counseling) that the first Harley book you memorize is "Lovebusters"---it's all about how selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and dishonesty can "poison" a marriage. You should eliminate all those lovebusters that you see yourself doing (more importantly, those that your wife THINKS you're doing). When you fail to protect your spouse from lovebusters, there's little chance for love to grow. There's plenty of chances for love to slip away, however. By addressing lovebusters, you will stabilize your situation at the minimum, and probably make it much better.<P>Next book: "Give and Take". This book, while having elements of Lovebusters and "His Needs/Her Needs", focuses on the the Policy of Joint Agreement and how to negotiate to preserve love (and build love) in a marriage. You clearly would benefit from this. When you tout a move to the UK as "financially and professionally ruinous", you're basically full of (disrespectful) crap. You may not see a way that a move to the UK could work, but I'm sure that there are several. And I bet if you were "in love" with your wife, you'd be able to see things more clearly. "Give and Take" will help you apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to your marriage, and it's a terrific tool for making sure that you don't end up draining your wife's "love bank" further.<P>Finally, you need to start focusing on your wife's needs. You must first identify those needs that are most important to her, and then find a way to fill them (using the POJA). You need to have eliminated lovebusters before you get serious about this, but you should be thinking about it. His Needs/Her Needs will help you understand how this should be done.<P>Your options aren't good if you don't do this. You will end up divorced, and your daughter will be overseas. Not fun. This should be plenty of motivation to get working---and my best advice to you is to spring for the counseling with Steve Harley; your progress will be much quicker if you have a coach to help you through this process.<P>And if it makes you feel any better, my marriage was in the same shape yours was three years ago. Throw in my wife's affair, and toss in a pregnancy caused by her OM. But even through all that---we've recovered our marriage, made it much better than it ever was, and are working towards that "deep love" that you desparately want. And I might add that this was done with only one of us (me) doing the counseling with Steve (for the most part).<P>So, no excuses... make the call.<P>

MIke<P>I can offer no better words of wisdom than K has, but I can offer you empathy and understanding. My husband is British too, only difference is he came to this country to live here because of me. He has made many sacrifices for us to be together. Obviously we have had some problems which is how I came to find MB and have been helped tremendously by it. <P>I know that you are very discouraged right now, and all that I can tell you is that if YOU change, your wife will change too. Many times I have felt as if I had done all the work and it was HIS turn to do something only to realize that in his mind I hadn't done a thing. SO I tried something. I gave him all my love and affection and attention even when I didn't want to and to my surprise after a short while he began to respond. He began to open up to where we could actually begin to talk about things and as long as I could reserve my judgement and hold my tongue, I learned more and more about how he felt. We have begun to compromise on many issues.<P>As for your wife wanting to live in England, I don't know this for sure, but it seems like the harder to pull against that, the harder she pushes for it, but maybe if she thought you were at least open to the idea, she might not push so hard. <P>I don't know. Just some thoughts for you. I know my h would dearly love to return to England, but right now for us that is NOT a possibilty because I have 2 young children from a prior marriage I wouldn't be able to take. My h understands that.<P>Hope things get better for you.