I wrote several months ago about the fact that I have no friends or family to care for our children so that we could go on a business-related vacation. There were some helpful suggestions about hiring nannies and the like, but the fact is, although my husband makes a good living, our debt to income ratio at the moment prevents us from considering such excess expenses. <P>Anyway, long-story-short now, is that my husband is currently in the Caribbean and I am back here in this small mountain town with our two children. I have been unable to keep myself from behaving childishly, as if wanting to start an argument everytime he calls here. We have to keep the calls to an absolute minimum due to the cost..<P>But tonight my husband called, he'd obviously had a few beers, and described how he'd golfed with the other men and then sat at the bar with one of them for a while "b.s. ing" and how he walked on the beach by himself for 2 hours and "it was great." <P>Soon enough we were yelling at each other. Me yelling at him because I am so immensley jealous of this trip, and because I also get really unsettled when he travels to far away places, I feel like I've been abandoned. I know that's illogical, it's entirely emotional. <P>But my imagination fills with images of beautiful women on the beach and my husband's outgoing nature, and I think about how little there about me that's worthy of him or this life...And how he resents the fact that I can't get it together to find people to care for our kids and how he goes on these trips with the others. <P>He does say that there's another man there now whose wife is also home with their young children. So at least I'm not the only maniac in the group!<P>My husband shouted at me tonight that I've always been like this and that it wasn't any particular trip that caused me to behave this way...I've always been selfish and possessive and jealous and AFRAID. Great! <P>I don't know what on earth to do now. The feeling of having a fight over the phone when you're thousands of miles away from someone is one of great dismay and desperation. It cannot be fixed. <P>He was on his way to another PARTY when we ended the call with nothing resolved. We've had problems always. But as we get closer to our 10th anniversary, my mental/emotional hangups that I can't seem to control are becoming worse and worse. <P>The final thing here is that it seems that my husband is really at the end of his rope. He is sick and tired of me and the way I am. The fact that I'm not with him on this trip is an unhappy thing, but when he calls and I cannot fake a "Hi! How are you? Are you Having a GREAT time?!!" makes him furious. I don't treat him like we're on the same time, more like we're opponents, and adversaries.<P>I'm afraid he's going to return home and say, "That's it. I can't take it. I've had enough and I'm DONE. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have a loving, positive, supportive wife who'll put me before everything."<P>The really scary part is, I know what needs to be done and I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's best for the kids to be part of a loving 2 parent home, but it's gotten to the point where it's like watching a horrific car wreck. You shouldn't look, but you can't seem to help yourself. <P>I seem to have a compulsion to wreck this marriage. It's like my destructive nature wants to be able to say, "See! I knew you didn't really love me! I knew you'd leave me someday! I knew you'd want somebody different!" <BR>I sound completely out of my mind, don't I. I think I (perversly) want this to end. I think my husband WOULD be better off with a Miss-Mary-Sunshine type of woman..Maybe my kids would be better off with her as a step mom as well.<P>I've failed at this. I've tried and tried and tried, and it's like having an automatic default button that I keep falling back to. My changes and improvements never "stick." Our lives are not going in the direction my husband wants to go. My neurosis is holding him back. <P>Should I just let him go? I just dont' think I can ever change enough for him to be happy with me. I've tried again and again and always come back to this place. <BR>

Hi Lisanne-<P>I remember your post about vacations, and I'm sorry to hear nothing's changed...<P>the fact that you're here leads me to believe you DO want to save your marriage and are not yet ready to give up hope.. though it's getting harder for you to believe there is any...<P>I believe your H and you CAN restore romantic love for each other. The cruelest thing about relationships is, they're re-evaluated when they're at their weakest and the couple is least likely to feel there's anything to stay for. And the disappointment and hurt snowball, because when you're hurt you're more likely to be snippish, and when your H is hurt he's more likely to take it personally, and when he does he's more likely to say something he knows will push your buttons, and when that happens you feel justified in thinking you can't trust him anymore... and on and on. The worse things have been, the harder it is to turn the pattern around. BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS.. it works the other way too! A few kind words on his part could lead you to cook his favorite meal, which might lead him to do something considerate, and so on... negotiating that hairpin turn, especially at rock-bottom when you've run out of gas so to speak, is rough but it can be done!<P>Well, I don't really know what to say in terms of how you should deal with it... but I do know the Resolving Conflict board, while it is appropriate in terms of topic, doesn't really see a whole lot of traffic, especially on the weekends. The General Questions board is really hopping, you'll get lots of advice there, and the Emotional Needs board is full of smart and friendly people. I think you should repost this in one or both of those locations.

Thank you very much for your reply. What you said makes a lot of sense. what really drives me crazy is having the knowledge and understanding things logically. But when it comes to direct interaction, all logic goes out the window and it's bare knuckle battle once again. Thanks again. I'll see about reposting in a different category.

Lisanne,<P>I too remeber your previous posts. I will be back to comment further after a little time to pray and contemplate your situation. Just wanted to pop in and say we hear you! Hang in there.<P>Mud

Lisanne:<P>I also remember your previous post. Let me quote back to you:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I've failed at this. I've tried and tried and tried, and it's like having an automatic default button that I keep falling back to. My changes and<BR> improvements never "stick." Our lives are not going in the direction my husband wants to go. My neurosis is holding him back. <P> Should I just let him go? I just dont' think I can ever change enough for him to be happy with me. I've tried again and again and always come back to<BR> this place. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It sounds just like the stuff I used to say to my wife (and myself) years ago. I was 'trying', but unable to break the patterns and learn the appropriate behaviors and stick with it.<P>Until my wife had an affair. That gave me enough motivation to try ANYTHING, including something as crazy as doing telephone counseling with someone I had never met, from a website that had good information.<P>I really would encourage you to call Steve Harley (888-639-1639) here at MB and make an appointment. You and your husband CAN get the marriage you both want, and I don't even think it'll take too long, or too much effort. But you better do it soon, because you're lovebusting left and right. You should have gone on this damn trip (no excuses). And now that you didn't go, you shouldn't be beating your husband up for going.<P>Steve will be able to help you get focused on learning the behaviors you need to have a successful marriage (and those you need to avoid). If your husband is willing to join in, great---but you should make a call today and get started regardless. This counseling can be very effective for just one person in a marriage (yes---one person can "save" a marriage).<P>Give it a try.

Thank you all for replying to my post. My husband called a few hours after that angry phone call and we apologized to each other. He said he knew it was difficult for me to be alone with the kids so often. He did tell me that the wives of the men that were there all said that they understood my situation, and had at times themselves had to forgo trips when the kids were still young. <P>My husband returned home last night and it was a really nice homecoming. Part of the reason that when I fail I feel so terrible, is because my husband is quick to forgive and wants to just move forward. He was very sweet, brought us all little gifts, and it's just reinvigorated my desire to make things better once and for all. <P>We're going to set a date to go out together within the next week (after Easter weekend) and I'm going to talk to him about maybe both of us getting some counseling. <P>Thank you "K" for your advice regarding calling Dr. Harley. I think it's a good idea. If only for me. <P>I read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" back in November, and my husband listened to the tapes.... We discussed some of it, and agreed with the reasoning. But I tried to do what was right for a couple months, and then withdrew again. <P>It's a very risky situation to continue to "forget" to try again and again. I realize that. I already had a mini wake-up call in November which is how I found out about Marriage Builders in the first place...But I don't want to backslide until the "real thing" finally happens and then there are no more second chances. <P>Thank you all! I really appreciate the support!<P>Lisa (lisann67@email.com)

Hey there-<P>I really sympathise with your situation...you mention "neurosis" and that really hit a chord with me.<BR>Have you ever considered seeing someone about medication or counseling for an anxiety/depression disorder. i am still thinking it over, becaseu i get snappish, make faces,etc, almost automatically. I ahve a lot of trouble controlling my emotional reactions to things, and have self-medicated with alcohol when things are bad enough to calm myself down. DOes this sound like you? I get so mad thinking to myself "well, that's just great, here i am thinking about becoming a Stepford Wife" but i don't see any other solutions. <BR>Anyway, if i were calmer than i might be so happy with the results i wouldn't CARE that i was "on drugs" My H's main problem with me is that i am a "*****"...i know, not a very productive term, but i am the only one trying right now so i have to maintain a calm demeanor even when he is acting terrible.<P><BR>leeza

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lisanne:<BR><B>I wrote several months ago about the fact that I have no friends or family to care for our children so that we could go on a business-related vacation. There were some helpful suggestions about hiring nannies and the like, but the fact is, although my husband makes a good living, our debt to income ratio at the moment prevents us from considering such excess expenses. <P>Anyway, long-story-short now, is that my husband is currently in the Caribbean and I am back here in this small mountain town with our two children. I have been unable to keep myself from behaving childishly, as if wanting to start an argument everytime he calls here. We have to keep the calls to an absolute minimum due to the cost..<P>But tonight my husband called, he'd obviously had a few beers, and described how he'd golfed with the other men and then sat at the bar with one of them for a while "b.s. ing" and how he walked on the beach by himself for 2 hours and "it was great." <P>Soon enough we were yelling at each other. Me yelling at him because I am so immensley jealous of this trip, and because I also get really unsettled when he travels to far away places, I feel like I've been abandoned. I know that's illogical, it's entirely emotional. <P>But my imagination fills with images of beautiful women on the beach and my husband's outgoing nature, and I think about how little there about me that's worthy of him or this life...And how he resents the fact that I can't get it together to find people to care for our kids and how he goes on these trips with the others. <P>He does say that there's another man there now whose wife is also home with their young children. So at least I'm not the only maniac in the group!<P>My husband shouted at me tonight that I've always been like this and that it wasn't any particular trip that caused me to behave this way...I've always been selfish and possessive and jealous and AFRAID. Great! <P>I don't know what on earth to do now. The feeling of having a fight over the phone when you're thousands of miles away from someone is one of great dismay and desperation. It cannot be fixed. <P>He was on his way to another PARTY when we ended the call with nothing resolved. We've had problems always. But as we get closer to our 10th anniversary, my mental/emotional hangups that I can't seem to control are becoming worse and worse. <P>The final thing here is that it seems that my husband is really at the end of his rope. He is sick and tired of me and the way I am. The fact that I'm not with him on this trip is an unhappy thing, but when he calls and I cannot fake a "Hi! How are you? Are you Having a GREAT time?!!" makes him furious. I don't treat him like we're on the same time, more like we're opponents, and adversaries.<P>I'm afraid he's going to return home and say, "That's it. I can't take it. I've had enough and I'm DONE. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have a loving, positive, supportive wife who'll put me before everything."<P>The really scary part is, I know what needs to be done and I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's best for the kids to be part of a loving 2 parent home, but it's gotten to the point where it's like watching a horrific car wreck. You shouldn't look, but you can't seem to help yourself. <P>I seem to have a compulsion to wreck this marriage. It's like my destructive nature wants to be able to say, "See! I knew you didn't really love me! I knew you'd leave me someday! I knew you'd want somebody different!" <BR>I sound completely out of my mind, don't I. I think I (perversly) want this to end. I think my husband WOULD be better off with a Miss-Mary-Sunshine type of woman..Maybe my kids would be better off with her as a step mom as well.<P>I've failed at this. I've tried and tried and tried, and it's like having an automatic default button that I keep falling back to. My changes and improvements never "stick." Our lives are not going in the direction my husband wants to go. My neurosis is holding him back. <P>Should I just let him go? I just dont' think I can ever change enough for him to be happy with me. I've tried again and again and always come back to this place. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi! It sounds as though you are emotionally drained because you are a stay home mom? Please correct me if I am wrong about that. For, I am new to the forum. <P>You really do need to get out some for yourself and your sanity. I am a stay at home mom with no family to help with the child, but I do get out some. I have learned over the past couple of years that in order to take care of my child I must first take care of myself.<P>The feelings you are experiencing are very normal. You are at home taking care of the children and your husband is away, and although it is a business trip, he gets time to himself. <P>Perhaps you should think about putting your children in daycare part-time, provided they are daycare aged, and getting yourself a part-time job. This way you would meet new people, experience new things, and get out. Trust me, going to work can sometimes be a stress reliever. <P>Please don't blame yourself for what is going on in your marriage, and for gracious sake don't take it out on your children. Your children deserve to have their mom and there is no substitute for that. <P>Understand that your husband is on business and that he is going to get relaxation time and that is justifiable; however, he needs to realize that you are at home with the kids and do not get that time away. I would suggest that you ask your husband not to tell you about his walks on the beach and his trips to the bar. Afterall, that is not fair to you, and it doesn't help with your feelings. <P>First of all, you have to trust in him. Second of all, you have to be proud of him for earning a living for you and your family. However, that does not mean you have to be shut up indoors all the time. <P>Teach yourself to get out more and meet new people. There is a whole world out there waiting to be discovered, and you should not shut yourself out of it. <P>You think your husband doesn't deserve someone like you, that he would be better off with someone else? He should praise you for being the kind of wife and mother who is willing to stay home with the kids and not put them with just anyone. That is admirable on your part--you are a great wife and mother. Don't ever sell yourself short!<BR><P>------------------<BR>nluv