My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years, and we have been having some problems for the past year. It began last year in March when we went to a neighbor's house and another neighbor was there also. My husband felt as though the neighbor and I were flirting so he left and went home (which was in walking distance). Therefore, I gathered our things (including our baby daughter) and proceeded to follow him home. The neighbor, who lived beside us, followed me but I thought he was going to his house, but he wound up at mine. This further infuriated my husband, and he stormed out and left in the car. So, my neighbor thought it was something he had done, and he left but asked me to call him to let him know if everything was okay. Now, you would have to realize how persistent my neighbor is, and because of this, I decided I would call him so he would not come over because I had enough to deal with with my husband not being there at night (because I'm afraid to stay home by myself at night). I called the neighbor and let him know everything was okay and that my husband would be home soon. Then I called my mother-in-law and my husband was there, but she would not let me speak to him and said he was in the bed asleep. Therefore, I told her to please have him call before coming home because I was afraid and did not want to be alarmed when he showed up. My daughter was very cranky at this point (18 mos. old) because it was very late and past her bed time, so I was changing my clothes and holding her to keep her calmed down when someone started knocking on the back door (I knew it wasn't my husband because he never used the back door). Therefore, I threw on my robe and went to the door, and my neighbor was standing there. He asked if everything was okay, and I told him yes. My mistake was letting him come into the house, but I had told him that my husband would be home soon. I calmed my daughter down and was putting her to bed when I heard the back door slam, and someone was running through the house. My husband had come home and was coming through the window, and my neighbor was running out the back. Of course this looked suspicious, but I had nothing to do with the neighbor running. Yes, he was there with more on his mind than being concerned for me and my child. My husband chased him through the back yard, and when he came back he pulled my robe back and all I was wearing was a bra and he did not ask any questions but snatched our daughter from me and took off to the neighbor's house on the hill. I got dressed and went up there, and because I did not want anyone involved in our business I said that the guy was not in the house and I know that was not the thing to do; however, I didn't want the neighbors on the hill involved. So, after explaining to my husband why I had on my robe he still accused me of having an affair with the neighbor. I know it didn't look good, but there are many reasons why I would not have an affair and the main reason is because I love my husband and I would not betray him that way, secondly because I love my daughter, and to betray my husband would be to betray my daughter. Thirdly, I have more respect for myself, and last but not least, I am terrified of sexually transmitted diseases. I have told my husband all of this, but he still believes I had an affair. The night this all occurred he called me a "filthy no good lying whore", and this hurt me greatly. That he could think I would do something so terrible was shocking to me. I withdrew from him and our marriage, and that seemed to cause more problems. He was very, very angry and he would grab at my body and ask "did it feel good when the neighbor did that to you" and that too was very hurtful. When he got angry he would grab my wrists and kiss me violently, sometimes leaving bruises on my arms. I began lashing out at him and would hit and scratch him to keep him away from me. All of this was going on in front of our daughter which infuriated me. He would even grab me while I was holding her. He knocked me over on the bed one day while I was holding our daughter and he just kept trying to kiss me violently. I left for a few days with our child, and when I came back we decided to go to therapy. We went together, and it seemed as though we left therapy angrier than we were when we got there. At any rate, I had started talking to a man at work about what was going on, and because of what had happened I did not tell my husband. The guy started calling me at home and I had told him if my husband every answered just to say who he was, but the guy chose to lie. That caused more problems because my husband threatened to have the man fired from his job so I lied about who he was. Yes, more trouble for my marriage and all the while still dealing with my husband's anger from the first situation that had occurred. Anyway, we sold our house and moved so we would not have to deal with the neighbor anymore. The day before we moved, the man from work called me and I told him not to call me anymore. I became very angry because he had called me and I had told him earlier not to call anymore because it was causing too many problems for me and my husband. I became angry and vengeful, therefore, I wrote a letter to the man from work and left it on his car (I had another job by this point). His wife got the note and called my husband. What I wanted to do with the note was have the man call me but not call him back--kind of like having the last word. This caused more problems, of course, and I know this was definitely my fault, and I have apologized many times over and I feel very bad that I hurt my husband that way. I can't seem to explain to my husband what I was feeling at the time I wrote the note. After having your spouse call you a whore for five months and living with the anger, I became very bitter and just wanted to take it out on someone, and because this man from the past job had made me mad I decided to take my anger out on him by writing him a note and telling him I wanted to get together for lunch when I had no intentions of speaking to him again(I wanted satisfaction that he wanted to see me but I had no intention of calling him back). My husband now thinks that I had an affair with the neighbor and the man from work. He feels as though if I didn't have an affair with the man from work, that the note was a sure sign that it was leading to that. It was not at all. But how do I explain what I was feeling at the time. I knew as soon as I put the note on his car that I should not have done it, but I was afraid someone would see me if I went back to get it. I just thought that nothing would come of it, but something did. I am very sorry for the note, and I did not mean to hurt my husband that way, but he thinks I am lying to him. Because of all this he feels as though he can't trust me in anything that I do. I know he has reason to doubt me about the note, but he always knows where I am and who I'm with. <BR>Things have gotten much better between us. His anger has subsided and so has mine, but once in a while he gets angry about what happened with the neighbor and the note, and I understand that. What I don't understand is why he continuously accuses me of things I have not done. I do not want my marriage to end because I love him, but I feel as though he made the decision to stay so he has to begin to trust me again. I can't see living the rest of my life in a relationship that has no trust. Of course I realize it will take time to build that trust again. <BR>From all of this my husband has become very jealous--even of our daughter who is almost three. A few weeks ago she was sick and I was up with her most of the night. At 6 am one morning I was wiping her down with a cold cloth because she had a fever and one week earlier she had been taken to the emergency room and I just wanted to be sure she was okay. My husband got very angry because I was not in the bed with him and because I was awake and decided to stay up and keep an eye on her. Things got very ugly--he brought up the issue with the neighbor and the note to the man from work, and all I was doing was caring for our child. As I sit here and write this I cry because sometimes he makes me feel as though I shouldn't care for our child because it takes away from him. But one thing I will feel until my dying day is that our child comes first and foremost to any and everything in our lives, and if he can't accept that then he needs to deal with that on his own and leave me out of that.<BR>I do know that I have made some mistakes and I am very, very sorry for the mistakes I have made, but I can only try to make up for the mistakes I have made in the past, and all I ask is that my husband forgive me because I have forgiven him for all the horrible names he called me and for thinking I had an affair(s). <BR>I really need some advice as how to handle this, and if there is anyone out there who has dealt with this type of situation before please write to me and tell me how you handled it. Any feed back will be greatly appreciated.

First of all, if you both have not learned to control your physically abusive behavior I strongly recommend this as your starting point. <P>Your husband appears to have been provoked by your behavior that seems to threaten the security that he has in your relationship. Given the same situation I can’t say that I would have felt a whole lot different. Your husband can’t control his feelings, only his actions. It is vital that you both learn to behave in a way that does not infuriate each other. <P>Two concepts that would help you tremendously are <P>1. Honesty <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html</A> <BR>2. The POJA <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html</A> <P>Applying these two concepts to your marriage will assist in developing trust but it will take time and probably a lot of it. Had you been following the POJA and The Rule of Honesty your situation would be considerably different. Learning what behavior offends each other and avoiding it at all costs will also contribute. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

nluv:<P>Although your husband has been making a ton of mistakes, and you shouldn't tolerate abuse; I see huge issues with your level of understanding on what makes a marriage successful.<P>Please take the time to read this entire website: top to bottom. Start with the "Concepts" section, and read all the Q&A's, whether you think they pertain to you or not. Read the Articles, and the "Food for Thought" sections too.<P>You should become aware of the "Four Rules for a Successful Marriage", and start learning how to practice these. The rule of Protection (protect your spouse from "lovebusters"), the Rule of Care (meet your spouse's emotional needs), the Rule of Time (spend 15 hrs/week quality time together, without kids), and the Rule of Honesty (complete and total honesty). You've pretty much violated all those rules, according to your note.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But one thing I will feel until my dying day is that our child comes first and foremost to any and everything in our lives, and if he can't accept that then he needs to deal with that on his own and leave me out of that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is a very common "belief" system of mothers. Lots of them become SINGLE mothers. They give up their job as "Wife" and take on the role of "Mother". Don't do it. You need to balance those roles, and I'm betting that you're doing a real crappy job of making your husband feel as though he has a "Wife" who loves him. You need to pay much more attention to your role as a spouse. You'd be surprised---children don't need SuperMom in their lives. They need loving parents who love each other (and demonstrate it daily); this is what makes a healthy family.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know it didn't look good, but there are many reasons why I would not have an affair and the main reason is because I love my husband and I would not betray him that way, secondly because I love my daughter, and to betray my husband would be to betray my daughter. Thirdly, I have more respect for myself, and last but not least, I am terrified of sexually transmitted diseases. I have told my husband all of this...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Every person who ever got married would say the same things. But yet 50% of marriages end in divorce, and a greater percentage of them will be touched by infidelity. Good intentions do not keep you from having an affair---good BEHAVIORS do. And you clearly exhibited several lapses in judgement that you've journaled below that would cause your husband to not believe you. He doesn't have to trust you (and he shouldn't do so blindly)---you should DEMONSTRATE TRUSTWORTHY BEHAVIOR. It seems like you've learned some of your lessons there, but a consistant track record of "good" behavior is very important to rebuilding a marriage. You need to give it time, and respond appropriately if you slip up (apologize, no justifications, and ensure that it doesn't happen again).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>At any rate, I had started talking to a man at work about what was going on, and because of what had happened I did not tell my husband.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>MarriageBuilder's rule #1 (well, maybe not #1...): NEVER, EVER share marital problems with a member of the opposite sex. EVER!!! Even when they have the best of intentions, this emotional support often leads to affairs. It's a huge no-no. Look to your husband for that emotional support---if you're not getting it, a therapist or close girlfriend would be a much better choice.<P>The bottom line is that I think you would greatly benefit from learning to change your behaviors in this marriage for the good of the marriage. Eliminating Lovebusters, Meeting Emotional Needs, being Completely Honest, and Spending Time with your husband. Given where you are in the process, I'd suggest that you call MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639) and start telephone counseling with Steve Harley. Steve has been terrific for me, and he helped save our marriage from similar patterns (although ours was likely in worse shape).<P>It'd be great if your husband would do the counseling too, but you can be very effective on your own. I'd suggest that you start, and then see if your husband would participate. Your husband will need to learn how to control his "Lovebusters" as well for this marriage to succeed---but you're the one here, looking for help, so you get to go first! If it helps, I looked forward to my sessions with Steve---he's a great counselor who can really help motivate you and effectively change your marriage for the better.<P>

First of all I would like to say I am so sorry for your situation. I feel for you. I too have a husband who is very jelous, he has even gone so far as accusing me of having sex with a friend of ours in the when he was in the next room at a party. He has accused me of having several affairs and I haven't. It is so hard to be close to him again because of all the hurtful things he has said. I too withdrew from him which definately made it worse - confirmed his suspicions as he said which if he would of listened to me he would of realized it was b/c he had hurt me so much.I find it so hard to love someone who doesn't believe inyou. I hope everything works out for you,I don't have any good advice but just want to let you know that I know how you feel and I do hope everything works out.

Thank you so much for your feedback. So far you seem to be the only one who understands what I'm talking about. As I explained earlier, I have made mistakes, but I have never had an affair, and it is hard when somone doesn't believe in you any more. The first occurrence took place over a year ago (3/99) and the note (totally my fault) was last August. I really feel as though my husband has had time to get over the first situation and should be on his way to forgiving me for the note, because I have been 100% honest with him about absolutely everything. Again, thank you very much for your understanding.<P>------------------<BR>nluv

There is nothing worse than when somebody doesn't trust you especially when you are being totally honest. I have thought many times I might as well go out and have an affair since I am being persectuted for having one. Its like I can't even talk to any of my friends husbands without him thinking something of it. It is so frustrating and it really hurts that I have to walk on eggshells and watch what I say and do. <BR>It definately makes it harder when you have a child involved too. i have 2 - 4 and 10. <BR>What I think has to happen is for our Husbands to admit to thier jelousy instead of turning it around it making it our fault that they think these things. <BR>My Husband did apologize for one of his accusations me of cheating with a friend of ours, but what really gets to me is I know that he really didn't mean it and that he still wonders if it is true. It is just so damn frustrating and I really wonder why I have put up with it for all his accusations for so long. We have been together for almost 9 years now. <BR>I do hope things get better for you and i hope that you resolve this trust issue soon.

Rather than just agree with the one post that exhonerates you in this whole mess, I would suggest that you read over what was said by K. You and your husband are in a very dangerous situation - marriage wise - and you both need to take steps to strengthen your relationship.<BR>I have been in your position before, with the lies and the mistruths and the hidden information and the lack of trust - there is only one way to get past this....Take ownership of your role in this. Do not expect your husband to come home one day and say "Forgive me, it has been all my fault...here have my trust", it's not going to happen. Start behaving like someone that deserves to be trusted and you will start to gain his trust back. I am slowly rebuilding my relationship after some pretty bad and untrustworthy behaviour on my part (although, like you, I never cheated, but appearance often means more in these cases). <BR>I would also recommend some counselling to deal with the emotional/physical abuse that you are both guilty of.<BR>Good luck.

Thank you for your feedback. I have been behaving in a trusting manner since last August, and my husband has gotten much better with the jealousy issue. The reason I relate to Fedup is because of the name calling and accusations causing me to withdraw. I have never gotten to a point of wanting to have an affair because I have been accused--nothing justifies having an affair. We have been in therapy and Marriage Builders has helped us tremendously. I know that it will still take time to regain his trust, and I have accepted that. Again, thank you.<P>------------------<BR>nluv<p>[This message has been edited by nluv (edited April 20, 2000).]