In January, my ex-wife began having difficulty controlling my 20-year-old adopted son who is mentally and physically handicapped (fetal alcohol syndrome). Since our divorce in late 1997, he has been in her care except for his staying with me every other weekend and visiting each Wednesday evening.<P>I agreed to consider keeping him about half time and my girl friend wrote a plan that I proposed that would have him spend Wednesday evening and Friday through Sunday evening with me – every other week. My son remained with his mother and the plan was not implemented, waiting on her decision.<P>Several months later, my ex-wife suggested we each keep him a full week at a time. My girl friend felt that would keep us from having any “time alone together” for too long so I re-presented her initial plan. My ex- agreed with the exception that I would keep my son from Wednesday evening through the following Sunday evening.<P>My girl friend believes that her plan is still the best and feels that our relationship will suffer greatly if the plan is not changed. She contends that I agreed with her plan in January and now am just conceding to the desires of my ex-wife. I believe that I made a mistake by not raising the issue about a somewhat difficult schedule for my son in January.<P>I remain unwilling to support my girl friend’s plan now, believing that the compromise reached is best for my son. I have agreed that if Thursday night is so important, I will arrange childcare for my son. That is still not acceptable to my girl friend who wants the schedule changed as soon as school is out and transportation is no longer an issue. I transport him on the days he stays with me. When with his mother, he rides a bus. My girl friend and I live about 15 minutes from each other. My ex- and I live about 30 minutes apart.<BR>

You are in a difficult position. Your girlfriend sounds threatened by your relationship/commitment to your son. <P>I'm not quite sure I get it...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>my girl friend wrote a plan that I proposed that would have him spend Wednesday evening and Friday through Sunday evening with me – every other week.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is like 4 days every other week...4 out of 14?<P>Then your ex suggested full week every other week (ie, 7 out of 14), right? Then...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I re-presented her initial plan. My<BR>ex- agreed with the exception that I would keep my son from Wednesday evening through the following Sunday evening. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is now 5 days at a time right? Still every other week?<P>If this is the case, it seems your X is compromising much more than your GF...I suspect your GF's real issue is that she is feeling threatened, wants to be assured she is most imprtant (not the 1 extra night in the most recent plan)...<P>Kathi<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jack Stone:<BR><B>In January, my ex-wife began having difficulty controlling my 20-year-old adopted son who is mentally and physically.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jeff, <P>You have a very difficult situation. "Special" children in any new relationship are going to bring their own challenges, even when the EX and the NEW can get along. However, too often, the EX uses the "special" child just to show the NEW that life ain't gonna be so easy if she hooks up with you! <P>When you said, "has BEGUN starting to have problems controlling...." Did these problems with your special child begin along about the time you and your girlfriend started to appear "serious" or somewhat permanent?<P>I am the NEW wife of a man who has four "special" adopted children. His EX and I were fine as long as I was just "the girlfriend," but when the four children spent the entire summer with us last summer (after we'd been together only 2 months), and the children had a great time, were better cared for, and wanted to stay for the school year, then the EX "began" to have problems with the children and with me.<P>I have to strongly suggest that your EX is just that. If you are choosing another partner in your life, then the decisions of loyalty, commitment, support, and fidelity in ALL things to this NEW partner must be complete and without reservation, just as they were when you were with your EX in that relationship.<P>I would suggest that your EX is using your Special Child to make sure your NEW relationship understand that her life is going to be just as difficult as your EX can make it. Stand up for your NEW partner, just as you would have your EX when you were married to her. <P>I would suggest that your EX will push every guilt button she can find with you in order to corrupt any NEW relationship you may have, especially if you appear to be "serious" in the relationship. Stand up for your NEW partner, if you are seriously considering making her a permanent part of yours and your special child's life.<P>I would suggest that your EX needs the same conversation that a 16-year old daughter needs when she feels like her daddy is being stolen by another woman; when the daughter pits one parent against the other; when the daughter instigates every possible problem in the world to make life miserable for everyone.... etc. <P>EX-wives are extremely more vicious, more devious, and more childish than any of God's creatures. Sounds to me like yours is doing everything she can to make sure your life is as miserable as hers seems to be. <P>I would suggest your EX needs to be made to understand that she is no longer your wife; that you have another partner, and that your life now has different roads, different avenues, and your NEW partner's considerations are priority, just as your wife's were when you were married to her. As long as the special child's needs are being met, as long as love is being shown, and as long as the child is receiving the care required, then that's fine.<P>How can you teach your son the importance of this NEW partner in your life, if you're not going to establish her importance now?<P>Katherine

Katherine,<P> Thanks so much for your input. You've told me what my GF has been trying to tell me for a couple of years. I'm just too hardheaded to listen...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>I'm not quite sure I get it...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You do get it and I appreciate your viewpoint. I do try to arrive at a solution that will be satisfactory to all; however, my GF needs to be placed first and is unrelenting in making that point.<P>I see it as being told what to do, fight back by saying that, if her having her way is so important, she can find someone else to berate. Not a good thing to say to someone who just wants me for herself. Have a tough time recognizing that because I go on the defensive so easily.<P>Wish I could get her to see that the present schedule is best for my son and that it is her proposal for all intents and purposes...

Is your son mentally a child, and will he always be a child? Then HE is the first consideration - his welfare, as though he was whatever his mental age is.<P>You have a special situation, it's not a normal nearly grown young man who needs care; it's a little boy in a man's body. This isn't going to change, is it? <P>I think your girlfriend's need to be first in your life would be natural, if you were just starting out in life with no baggage in either's past. It would be understandable if you were married, and new people came into your life. And though it doesn't sound as if she wants nothing to do with your son, she seems to be thinking about him too, by demanding to be "first" she may be testing to see where she fits on your list of priorities. <P>Do her demands presage a married life excluding or greatly limiting contact with your son? Maybe she's not willing to make the sacrifices and compromises, and your son will end up being "abandoned", seeing you less and less, in order to maintain things with the girlfriend.<P>Is it possible to obtain respite care for your son in order to give both parents time for their lives and for you to have a little more time for your girlfriend to maintain your relationship? Some agency for children with special needs, where they can spend time with other kids? <P>I'm just talking off the top of my head. I sympathize with your girlfriend. And probably a 20 year old kid with fetal alcohol syndrome isn't as appealing to her as a cute little kid. Sharing you with your son and compromising on visitation may be too much of a deal breaker for her. It would be hard for me.<P>I don't mean to sound harsh, this is a hard situation all the way around. But I think about the boy who will always be a little boy, and always need his parents and some stability and security.

Your GF needs to understand that your special needs son must come first. Your GF is trying to exert control, instead of becoming your partner in caring for him as part of your life. Your X doesn't sound evil..in fact, she seems to be giving in more than your GF...<P>A situation like this requires giving, mature adults...not folks bent on pressing their own agenas.<P>be careful.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>Your GF needs to understand that your special needs son must come first. Your GF is trying to exert control, instead of becoming your partner in caring for him as part of your life. Your X doesn't sound evil..in fact, she seems to be giving in more than your GF...<P>A situation like this requires giving, mature adults...not folks bent on pressing their own agenas.<P>be careful.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kam, under "mature adult" circumstances, what you've said is right on. However, what I read from the initial post was that the problems just began "all of a sudden." <P>It has just been my experience that the EX wife is more ready to USE a child's welfare in these situations as a guilt button, rather than the welfare being the focal point.<P>All things being equal, and the EX was having problems prior to his having a relationship, then your advice would be true. However, if it is EX's habit to manufacture crises in order to get her way, he needs to, while keeping his new formed relationship sound and as a foundation, continue to provide for and take care of his special child.<P>Maybe a discussion with the EX and the H/F and the GF together, with rules and boundaries of the discussion being only what is being planned for the care of the child (if the child is permanently in a "child state") would be helpful to all concerned.<P>Three of my H's adopted children are crack babies who have also grown up with learning disabilities, behavior problems, and physical deformities. One is 8 yrs, the other two are twins (with different fathers; mother was a prostitute). So, I am well aware of the long-term care implications.<P>That still doesn't take away from the fact that if there isn't a strong man/woman or husband/wife relationship being cared for and nurtured, then the child will suffer even greater. The child will always benefit from a solid parental front.<P>Thanks..<BR>Katherine<P><BR>

PW<BR> With all due respect, I think you are reading your experiences into Jack's post.<P>I see nothing to suggest that his X is doing anyhting other than requesting her son's dad help her out a little more (still less than true co-parenting). The GF seems less willing to compromise than the X does. Certainly, it is human nature for the new woman to feel threatened and get defensive. But, for Jack and GF to live happily ever after, all parties need to be mature and giving and willing to compromise...the GF seems to have a way to go here, or so it would seem from the info posted so far.<P>K

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>PW<BR> With all due respect, I think you are reading your experiences into Jack's post.<P>I see nothing to suggest that his X is doing anyhting other than requesting her son's dad help her out a little more (still less than true co-parenting). The GF seems less willing to compromise than the X does. <BR>K</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey there Kam...<P>I agree to disagree with you at this point, but have read many of your posts and admire your insight. But I would offer that until someone has experienced something, "book knowledge" or mere observation from afar isn't much help in instances like this. Experience is the greatest teacher if one takes from the experience the lessons that experience teaches. <P>How else are these forums much help to anyone, if not for sharing our own life's experiences, what we've done in those experiences that has helped and given positive results, and which thingsi we've done that rendered negativity.<P>I just think society has given X's with custody the seat of "Goddess" and we give no room for consideration that, in fact, they may be the cause of their own children's ills and psychological woes. Too often, they transfer their own anger, their own feelings of being abandoned by the "husband/father" and make themselves out to be the martyr. I would submit that this unhealthy and compulsive behavior is demonstrated more often than not.<P>You are a wonderful person and I do gain much from your posts. <P>Katherine<P>

Once again, you are not basing your reply on information from the post, but your experience and what you think "society" does. <BR>I'm certainly sorry you must be in a bad situation yourself to provoke this.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>Once again, you are not basing your reply on information from the post, but your experience and what you think "society" does. <BR>I'm certainly sorry you must be in a bad situation yourself to provoke this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kam...I am reading what's written. I do consider (and even discuss with my husband when he's here reading with me) what is written. Sincere consideration is given to each response. <P>I may not agree with your opinions on his particular issue, and that's okay. Being in complete agreement would render these postings pretty much useless, everyone's marriages would be perfect, and no "resolving conflict" section would be present!<P>Individual opinions, given on life's experiences, life's lessons, and what can can gleen from resources such as the program are what these postings are about. <P>I'm not quite sure why you're "taker" is ready to lambast another person stating a different opinion, but I hope you can work through those issues of "control." Your taker seems to be a little aggressive when it comes to someone disagreeing with your points of view. I appreciate those times and hope you can be a little less "invalidating" toward the views of others that may not conform to your own.<P>Thanks..<BR>Katherine<P>

Certainly do not feel that I "lambasted" you...sorry if you felt that way. I don't think that pointing out that you are reading in a whole lot between the lines is being aggressive. <P>Again, I hope your situation is improving. Was glad to see your other post that you and H are in SA, and I hope the improvements continue.<P><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited June 08, 2000).]

PW<BR> I must agree with KAM, you read an awful lot in to Jacks post. We do not know whether the ex asked for help at the time she did for some evil reason, as you insist, whether she'd put off asking for help as long as she did because she was trying not to interfere. or if there is some other reason. We DO know that the ex has offered to comproise to a greater degree than has the GF (note, GF, not second wife or even fiance)…that says something to me. Besides, if the GF wants the relationship to go further, she must consider that he will always have an obligation to this child. If she cant live with that, she should look for a different man.<P>I have read some of your pther posts, and you seem to have a recurring theme of "exwives are evil". Obviously, you have had trouble with the ex in your situation, and Im sorry for that. But, to generalize like you do is NOT helpful to anyone, nor is it accurate. <P>Here's a suggestion. Post a vent about your OWN situation, what is happening to YOU, and maybe that will help you get some of your pain out and feel better.<P>Hope things are getting better for you.<P>Dave's wife (second wife, actually)<P><BR>[This message has been edited by davep (edited June 09, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by davep (edited June 09, 2000).]