I'm new at this so bear with me. I don't know where to start. One thing I've seen in reading all the stuff suggested before I got here is that many of the issues others have are mine too!<P>Married 19 years. Husband (recovering addict over 2 years) has also had multiple affairs and one night stands all these years.<BR>Thank God for that and the 12 step program he is active in.<P>I love him and I do not believe in divorce, but we have come to a point that feels like emotional divorce. On his part, he has always been unwilling for me to be totally in his life, but, of course, the drugs ruled, so that was "normal". He would never go to counseling. Won't listen to any of this info. He is 49 and seems to feel that he can't continue to work hard physically (he's a construction worker). In his (it seems) panic, he's constantly trying ways to make <BR>more money working harder, taking on more <BR>"stuff" (like now wanting to buy and fix up some sort of bldg for he doesn't know what, maybe a clean and sober rooming house, etc.<BR>While screaming that he can't take much more, he's demanding that we take on more. If I try to share with him, he talks over me and then refuses to talk at all. He's not working right now, normal for his line of work, but seems to have an aversion to being home. When he is here, he often sleeps in his chair, then wakes up and leaves! He complains about everything, i.e., he doesn't want to know anything about our finances...just tells me to take care of it...then resentfully says that "if you died, I'd be totally in the dark." Help???<P><BR>

Hi there!<BR>I don't have any words of advice right now, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and your family, and that you are in my prayers. There is lots of good advice here, and plenty of really great shoulders to cry on if you just need to vent. Just don't give up. Read everything you can here and there are some helpful books out there. Maybe try counciling for yourself if your H still won't go.<BR>I am thinking of you and yours. Hang in there.<P>Amber

PATIENCE, Patience. Our H's could be twins. I have dealt with a rageaholic, alcoholic, and workaholic construction worker for over six years of marriage. He is absolutely a non-negotiator. Everything has been up to me to approach from my side. He is also very controlling with finances and has abused my trust in that in the past.<P>H has made lightyears of improvements, better every week. You would not recognize him by his behavior today as compared to five and six years ago. He still has a very long way to go before he will be a "good" husband, but without his cooperation, improvement is <I>extremely</I> slow. But steady as long as I hold my course.<P>Three basic tools are in my bag. You might want to read up on them, the resources <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000025.html" TARGET=_blank>(Book list)</A> are all listed on this site.<P>1. Prayer. A good place to start is in your Bible, or other holy book. On Women's Bible Study we are going through the book <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1565075722/103-3700631-3363826" TARGET=_blank>The Power of a Praying Wife</A>, a good place for anyone to start.<P>2. Plan A. There are an awful lot of good advice, descriptions and testimonial stories on these boards as well as on the website. It will prevent you from getting blame and being the bad guy. And is a powerful incentive for husbands to stay around and improve. Choose it as a lifestyle and things will be remarkably less stressful and complicated. No more expectations to feel hurt over! Takes a bit of practice to get into it though.<P>3. Boundary setting. <BR>This involves making firm limits in what you agree to tolerate and enforcing them. This is not about changing anyone else, it is about respecting yourself enough to hold out for decency. <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/031022151X/103-3700631-3363826" TARGET=_blank>Boundaries in Marriage</A> is great book to learn what this means. In marriage, we get what we tolerate.<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited May 26, 2000).]