I am having a problem. My W has meet a male friend from high school online and has now been sending emails back and forth just about everyday for about a month or more as far as I know. He is also coming in to town next week and he is going to stop by to see her. She says that there is nothing between them but friendship and that she would never think of ruining what we have together. I can’t help but think that the friend is providing her with something that is keeping her emailing him just about every day. I have told her that this makes me uncomfortable but I don’t want to ruin our marriage or her friendship with the OM if that is all it is. I have had the experience of loosing a SO in my past to an OM. She was cheating on me before she ended the relationship and I did not know until after. Am I the one being the jealous and destructive part of a relationship? To me there has to be something going on. She has other male friends and she does not contact them every day. She even has female friends and she does not contact them every day. Do we or I need to seek counseling? We have tried discussing this together but there has really been no resolution. Just that I should trust that nothing is going to happen between them but friendship.

This is a hard one, what kind of things are they e-mailing? Have you read the emails? Did they have a relationship at all in the past? Is she going to meet him with you or without you? I would tell her that you would like to meet him too. Don't jump the gun on accusations yet, don't let past relationships make you jelous in this one. <BR>I hope everything works out and it isn't what you are thinking.

I have not read the emails but I asked her about them. I asked if there was any sexual innuendo and she said that there was but it was just in fun and sarcasm and that it meant nothing. She is meeting him with out me being there during the day because that is when he can come. I have to work. Tomorrow is the big day. I really don’t think she would do anything especially since we have been discussing it but it could still happen. I do not want to be the jealous husband and we have had a great marriage so far. I just can’t figure out what is causing the jealousy to creep up now. We went on a road trip looking for a puppy for our child and she came out and mentioned that she was wondering what he was doing. He was in town for a canoe trip this weekend and we happened to drive over the river that he was going to be canoeing. That’s about it. I look forward to some more advice.

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you,<BR>hope everything went okay today. It would bother me if my H went to meet this friend without me. You should ask to set up a time to visit with him with you present, maybe he could come for dinner or something like that. At least you could see how it is between them,<BR>got to go now, hope everything works out for you

Once burned, twice shy. <P>Any of her male friends should be friends of the family - only around when you are there. Same with your female friends, only fair. <P>If she isn't willing you know her heart is overextended in his direction. And betrayers always overplay the hurt and betrayal card in return for the suspicion and reasonable jealousy when spouse is just starting to catch on to them. <P>Email affairs can be real, full-fledged EA's. I'm a once upon a time betrayer and I know how we so carefully treasure and guard our privacy while being very tricky to not seem like it. Not to mention being offended and incredulous when suspicions begin to be voiced.<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Originally posted by Karenna:<BR>Once burned, twice shy. <BR>Any of her male friends should be friends of the family - only around when you are there. Same with your female friends, only fair.<P>Absolutely correct Karenna. If your wife knows about your past experience with being on the receiving end of an affair, then I would think she would be a bit more sensitive with the situation and voluntarily print out the emails and let you read them, just to ease your mind, if nothing else.<P>Being the husband and the head of your household (and I'm sorry if this offends some women, but God made the rules - not me), I'm confused as to why, when your wife told you about her male friend's upcoming visit, that you didn't say, "Great, we can all have dinner at [our favorite] restaurant or go to a movie together."<P>If there isn't anything to hide, then hide nothing. If she isn't wanting to share with this friend her reality, her life -- which, most definitely includes a marraige -- then she's obviously manufacturing a fantasy of some sort. Red flags all over that one.<P>I wish you good luck. I hope you take up your role as husband and head of the house and tell her you'd like to see the emails (don't you have access to her email already?), and then I would suggest to her that her friend is welcome to visit with you and her at your house or you can all meet at a restaurant.<P>Real Life can't be shared, savored, or tasted in its full flavor with anyone unless it's lovingly put on the table, warm and in balanced portions. Bon Appetite!<P><BR>

So what happened, newbie?<P>I too feel that this was handled inappropriately by your W. There have been sexual innuendos, however mild. It's just asking for trouble if she meets him again without you.<P>Tell her you don't feel comfortable with her continued friendship with this man, because you haven't met him and the friendship seems to have escalated to daily contact. Remain calm during the talk. And DO listen to her point of view also. <P>This can be worked out. Let us know what's happening. <P>Laura

fed up and Lucks<P>The friend of my W lives about 600 miles from here. He was in town to visit his family.<BR>My W still lives where she grew up. As far as she has told me (I have to trust her because I love her) they just sat around and talked from about 11am to 3:30pm. I am trying to be open with my W and talk about the situation but I still feel there is something she is not saying. I wonder how fast the emails will start back up and if she will continue to have sexual banter. I am going to discuss that with her. She can have him as a friend but there is no need for sexual innuendo. I hope with all of your help I can find myself back in trust with my wife. I do Love my W and am in Love with her. This forum has been a big help. It is great to be able to talk about things.<P><BR>Karenna<P>Like I have said above I am trying to make sure we get everything out in the open.<BR>Did your SO ever have extensive conversations with you or want to discuss things. How did your relationship end up? I am still on the fence as to what is really going on in my relationship. I am curious to know some of the things you did to play off<BR>the affair. Maybe that would shed some light.<P>PeskyWabbit<P>There is no way I would ever tell my wife she had to do something. I don’t believe that is what a relationship is about. There has to be trust. I am not having that full trust right now but I am working to get that back by talking with my W. I am hoping that it is just my insecurities from past relationships. I plan on doing everything in my power to regain that trust in our relationship.<BR>

Dear Newbie,<P>Dr. Harley says that love is always conditional, and trust needs to be earned. She did not Earn trust with the behavior she engaged in with this OM. <P>My EA was based on conversation. Not fabulous conversation, just okay, but more than fabulous compared to that which my H is capable of. I decided after indulging in a one-sided crush for three months that I didn't want to be a betrayer, so tried, sometimes half-heartedly, to extract myself. I poured myself into church, prayer groups, MB, and distractions, and still took an awful long time to get over it. <P>By that time the OM was infatuated too! Didn't help that H didn't stop LBing until very recently. <P>I'm still friends with the OM, but non-emotional, and definitely non-sexual. Don't see him much or talk very often any more. <P>H is feeling really bad and guilty for having gotten me pregnant again after promising repeatedly to get himself fixed. So he's on better behavior. <P>But H never wants to talk about anything. He avoids or fights to the death. Many times I was in fear of physical harm from him. OJ Simpson may have literally saved my life because I printed out a lot of articles and lists of warning signs of spousal abuse when Nicole was killed. I'm no longer in fear at all.

<BR>Dear Karenna,<P>"Any of her male friends should be friends of the family - only around when you are there. Same with your female friends, only fair. " Agreed. <P>"If she isn't willing you know her heart is overextended in his direction. And betrayers always overplay the hurt and betrayal card in return for the suspicion and reasonable jealousy when spouse is just starting to catch on to them." Perfect. <P>". . . I know how we so carefully treasure and guard our privacy while being very tricky to not seem like it. Not to mention being offended and incredulous when suspicions begin to be voiced." <P>My h's EA included long letters to the OW which he never mentioned that he was writing, never offered to share with me, and yet he has said They weren't secret, hidden, etc. At the same time he defends the correctness of taking time out from our family life to write them, hide them in his brief case, and never mention that he was writing to Her) maintains the right to privacy.<P>Dear Karenna, You're one of the women on this board (Kam ### - can't remember her numbers) is another one - who have the knack of getting to the heart of issues with just the right words, no blather, no obscuring. Just clear, true essence. No gilding the lily. How do you do it? I'm green with envy, no joke.<P>

I hate to chime in here, but this is exactly how my H had his A. He started e-mailing back and forth with an old HS friend living in Italy. Then she came for a visit. Stayed at our house and the rest is the historical event that has led to the devestation in our marriage now.<P>I would have to say that this is very dangerous. Show her these posts. Find out what is really going on. I would never believe that sexual innuendo's are just in fun. You do have the benefit that she is admitting it to you, so maybe she doesn't realize how potentially dangerous this is yet. Trust everyone here. It is very dangerous to you marriage. Somehow, you have to make her see that. I would never have thought my H would fall into that trap. I don't think he believed he would fall into it. It does happen. Good luck.