My husband and I have been married for 2 months today. We previously lived together for approx. 1 year before we got hitched. (I have read a number of Dr. Harley's books.)<P>We are both admittedly two very intelligent, independent--but stubborn people.<P>We always seem to be arguing about who is right, whose way is better, etc. Neither one of us wants to be fighting, but it's as if we just press eachother's buttons. It's really ridiculous, and we both acknowledge this, but we can't seem to get away from this vicious cycle.<P>We have plenty of great times together, and are very much in love with eachother (we by no means argue all the time). My husband seems to think that since we are so passionate about our relationship, that we also argue passionately.<P>We can't seem to figure out a way to stop pushing those buttons. Neither one of us is good at just stepping back and backing down--we just egg eachother on and say hurtful things to eachother that we don't even mean to say. Later on, we do apologize for it.<P>I feel like we seem to have two different arguing styles that are clashing. I compare his arguing technique to that of a chess game. He's 12 moves ahead and has a response figured out to anyone of my potential come-backs. He argues with his brain and has a rapid-fire mouth. I, on the other hand, argue with my heart and get emotional. I am trying to recover from his hurtful words while trying to figure out how to respond to him. I am slower in reponse, and sometimes need to figure things out because I am trying to sort out what to do. I am talking about two seriously different styles of arguing here.<P>It's important for the both of us to keep a solid marriage, and we both recognize that arguing is an inevitable part of being married. We both want to work at this. But we can't seem to figure out how to get on the same playing field. We feel that if didn't oppose eachother so much we'd make an unbeatable team together and be able to climb any mountain.<P>Any ideas/advice for two stubborn folks who are very much in love?<P>thanks!<BR>

Here is where one of you can fix it for the two of you: Just stop playing that game.<P>Michele Weiner-Davis has great advice on pulling a 180. Whatever is the usual response to a provocation, do something totally different and unexpected. If you are normally indignant, then go mushy and lovey. If you would generally laugh sarcastically, cry. If you would make a snappy retort or refute him, agree with him quickly in principle. Or do nothing. <P>The point is, do not let the "button pusher" get his usual payoff or reward (your great reaction) for pushing your button. Freeze, lie down, put your head under the kitchen sink fawcet. Do ANYthing except react in the usual way.<P>Now, to be successful, you are going to have to analyze what your buttons are, and how you usually react. Plan ahead.<P>Second phase, stop yourself from pushing his buttons too. Think ahead. What are his buttons, and what is the payoff you feel for pushing them?<P>If you two are such bright and argumentative people, I hope it's not just brainless, emotional arguments. Logic has to prevail here for a while at least to breakup this destructive pattern before it breaks up your marriage. <P>So apply your higher brain functions and solve the problem intelligently. You can do it. But it is really hard when you are young.<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Karenna:<P>This is great advice. I guess the both of need to sit down and literally create a list over what irks us. The hard part will be how to remember to do the opposite in the heat of an argument--a tough one indeed.<P>Neither one of us is young--we are both in our early 30's--so we have established ways of doing things. Sometimes, I have to admit that our arguments can be quite silly. In fact, we really don't argue over things like money, sex, etc. We just get upset over dumb things that turn into an arguments. It's not really problems we are arguing about per se, it's just a fight over reacting how someone has said something. For example, we just purchased a new home and I was up on the ladder putting up a new light fixture while balancing on three toes on a 12 foot ladder and on the virtual edge of being electrocuted. I'll say something like "get me the screwdriver!" and he'll say: "you don't say 'please'" That immediately sets me off because I'm practically ready to collapse on the ladder, and he wants me to be gracious. Or, I'll be painting the bathroom and he'll be sitting on the couch watching a baseball game, and that will get me because he knows it's work time on the place.<P>I guess these might be considered silly arguments, eh?<P>I like your advice, however. I am going to talk to him about it today and see how it works. thanks!