My H and I will have been married 17 years this August. We have 2 children ages 11 & 13. We have been plagued with problems throughout our marriage. We never seemed to be on the same plain at the same time. After reading most of Dr. Harleys books, I have come to realize that at one time or another at least one of us was in withdrawl or conflict while the other was in love. I know it sounds strange, but I think thats why our marriage has held on for so long. At least until now...My H moved out almost 2 weeks ago and got his own apartment. I miss him terribly, I love him so very much. We have seen each other and spent some time together this past weekend and at one point we were both crying in each others arms. The pain we have caused each other over the years is just too incredible to put into words when you look back. I am the queen of love busters. I have done them all at one time or another. He has some problems as well that causes those reactions in me to surface. I want to use the telephone counseling services from Dr. Harley.. He is not even sure he wants a life with me anymore.. he used the D word. He feels since we were not able to change things on our own, noone can help. But I think he just doesnt want to put forth the effort to try. He has given up on me and doesnt think I can change. I know that I can, but I can't do it alone. It has to be a joint effort, because I am not alone in doing the hurting. I am wondering if it is him who he feels can not or will not do some changing. All I know is that I have never been so lost in my life without him. The sobbing and tears just never seem to end. I am so depressed and it just wont go away. I am hoping that maybe the "newness" of his freedom will wear off and he will realize that his priorities have been so out of place and he will want to try to restore and rebuild our lives with each other.<P>Does anyone have any advice? I just don't know which direction to go in.<p>[This message has been edited by RC (edited June 19, 2000).]

I know exactly how you feel. I too have caused a lot of problems in our marriage, but I wasn't the only one. My step-son admits that he has tried to sabotage the marriage, My wife would not support any dicipline on her son, nor accept any that I would try to impose. Now I am seeing a therapist, and taking anti-depressants. But she told me last night that she is still going to move out, and that she doesn't believe I will ever change. She agreed to go see my counselor with me on monday, an answer to a prayer, but I am not sure that she will be truthful or even listen to anything I or my counselor will say. Now my wife is secretive, she is going to a friends house to sleep, while her son is dating her friends daughter. I believe my wife is sleeping with this friend, and he is a police officer that she either knows or works with. My step son told me last night that she DOES go to this friends house so that he can see his girlfriend, but he said he promised her that he wouldn't tell me who this person is, or where they live. My wife jumps to the phone every time it rings. She hides things from me and I am afraid that she will take all the money we have and leave me with no way to keep this house we bought together. I wont' be able to pay my bills or have a place for our 18 month old daughter to stay if I am able to get at least joint custody of her. My wife said she is not seeing anyone, not in love with anyone, but that could be because she knows I can and WILL use that in the divorce to get custody of our daughter, especially if I can prove she IS having an affair, and CAN prove that they are sleeping together while my daughter is in the house with them. My wife takes our daughter to the house when she takes her son to see his girlfriend. I want more than anything to repair this marriage and restore this family. Every time I pray, the answer is the same. I truly believe that GOD wants this family to stay together and fight for one another, rather than against each other. There is more to the story, but you can find all these details in the prayer requests section of this wonderful site. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you and your family.<BR>Lone_Knight.

Lone_Knight<P>Im sorry for what you are going through. In my situation there is no evidence of an EA, but I am dreding the day when I hear from someone that H was seen out with another woman. I try and tell myself that I will still be OK...But the truth is Im sure I would just go bilistic! With my habits of LB-ing who knows what I would do...I just hope it doesnt happen, I would probably end up in a padded room!<BR>Your W behavior is very familiar to me, as my H would constantly hide thigs from me and lie, because he knew if he told me the truth, I would fly off the handle or at the least become upset with the truth. My H hates to be confronted and avoids anything that may lead to that. <BR>I can not yet offer you any good advice as my mind is not in the right place right now, but i can and will say a prayer for you. <BR>I went to the doctors today and am now taking anti depressants too. I scheduled my first session with Jennifer Chalmers in about 2 weeks. Hopefully by then the medication will be in full force in my body and I will be able to concentrate on something other than my pain.<BR>I wish you luck and will tell you not to give up. Have you tried Plan A? Your W is still in the home so thats a bonus.