I have been married for 4 1/2 months, after dating my husband for almost 4. He is the youngest adult child of 4 (he is 28)and has always lived at home. I am the oldest, have gone away to college and have lived on my own.<BR>From the day we got home, my husband was having trouble , I think a combination of seperation anxiety and guilt over leaving his parents(mother is disabled and father is 71). Gradually, things got worse and I felt totally shut off from him. He stopped talking to me and being the ususal affectionate person he was, as well as not sharing with me the things he used to.<BR>3 weeks ago, he came home and said that I don't want to be married anymore, I don't want the children we talked about having anymore, and he left and has been at his parents' house ever since. When his friends try to figure out what he is doing, all he says is that we don't get along and we cannot live together and things are beyond fixing. When asked to pinpoint anything specific, he cannot. He refuses to get help. He has done this once before at the beginning of May. I know that I am not perfect and have trouble resolving conflict and I am more than willing and have repeatedly suggested we seek counseling. HE refuses, and has pretty much written me and our marriage off. When we have spoken, I get angry and defensive, but he cannot understand these emotions are coming from someone who feels devestated,abandoned and thrown to the wayside. He uses the fact I get angry, as one of the reasons he cannot take living with me anymore. He is not looking at my frustration and anxiety within the context of someone whose 4 month marriage is being tossed aside like it is a high school romance. Two friends or ours have said at seperate times, maybe he was not ready to get married, but I never pressured him and I made sure to confirm that with him. I don't know what else to do but wait for him to come home.

I am taking it that it is 4 years that you were dating?? Did he show these things then? Separation from one's parents is a big step and and he may feels responsble for their well being. Have you thought of moving in with him and his parents and slowly work your relationship to a more independant way.<P>He is feeling home sick and parent lonely. I would be asking him if you can come back into the marriage, and help him with his parents. I feel this will be the only way you can get your marriage back on track. I have told some people that there is only one answer to ever question that Love is the answer.<P>You can win and so too he, if you love him as you say you do, move in with him!! Your married and I think his parent may love it. You just have to be prepared for his parents (inlaws) Good luck and the above is only a suggestion.

Thanks for the response...yes, it was 4 years and I never saw any of the behavior he has exibited lately. He says that we cannot live together,and that us not seeing "eye to eye" on everything makes us incapable of being married..He cannot come up with any valid issues-I say we did not live together long enough to learn how to live together and that we are experiencing the growing pains every newly married couple does. I think that he just blows little things out of proportion-I see our disagreements as each party not compromising, and this is something we both need to work on. He sees them as insurmountable obstacles. He loves me, but he cannot live with me. I believe he is going to see someone he can talk with. I am hoping that this will open him up a bit..I think I am at least going to ask him to bring me if this counselor asks him to. Other than that, I am sure he is going to call a lawyer to get us legally seperated on the way to divorced.

Jar1971-<P>You said it yourself. You are the oldest of your family, hard working responsible and mature. Your husband is the youngest and only moved out when he married you. It's no surprise that the two of you were drawn together, there's that caretaking aspect on your part, and the being taken care of aspect on his. <P>Personally, while I do not advocate divorce or separation in most cases, at the very least you've got to be aware that your husband is very immature for his age due to his place in his family and the fact that he didn't move from home and get his own life together when most men would have. <P>He has a lot of growing up to do and may need to be separate from you and his folks to do that. He seems to have fears about his own ability to function as an adult now that he's having to face his parents' mortality. <P>He may not have learned to have confidence in himself as a man yet. He's got to establish that facet of himself before he can really be there for you as an equal partner and not a child. <P>I don't think moving into his parent's house is the answer either. You two are either to live and act as married adults, or separate and be glad there are no children involved. <P>There are no children involved, right?

Hi,thanks for your response...no, there are no children. Yes, I do agree that moving back into his parents' house with him would only come between us, as his room is just a room, we would not have the space and privacy we would need to learn how to be married. What you wrote sounds alot like what my Mother said about me being the caretaker and him being the care-taker..A friend said that she feels as though he just changed his mind about being married..I only wish he had figured this out long before this. I also do not really believe in divorce-I am one to stick things out and make them work-do whatever it takes to stay married and make it a happy marriage. He refuses to even try, to get counseling,even though I have begged him. Its as though I am disposable, an old sneaker. Now I have to figure out what to do legally-I think we have to be legally seperated. Hw has flat out said that he no longer wants to be married..I was thinking that I would leave it up to him to inititate the divorce-I did not want that responsibility, especially since its the last thing I want...but it does not seem that he is going to move on it...I almost want to serve him with legal seperation papers just to wake him up...

JAR:<BR>I can relate to your situation. I've gone through the exact same feeling you are going through. My H and I have been separated for 5 months. He also said he didn't want to be married anymore and told EVERYONE who would ask that it was over and that our marriage was beyond repair. I think we can help eachother. I live in New Jersey too. My e-mail is ginnie2u@yahoo.com. Feel free to write to me. It always helps to talk to someone who can relate. Take care and God bless.