I make more money than my husband, but I have a retirement fund, medical, dental, and life insurance, and a steady paycheck. I am also college educated. He is in the service industry and his pay is based solely on tips. It's fast money and sometimes good but unpredictable. This has been a major source of conflict for us. He feels inadequate and useless, and he resents relying on me, yet he has done little or nothing to change his situation. He resents the suggestion to get a part time job, says we can't afford monthly insuranace payments, and procrastinates with any retirement funds. He wants separate checking accounts and separate bills so we don't have to answer to each other. Right now he is in charge of paying the bills. We have had too many late payments, turned-off utilities and close calls, and I feel very insecure. Are separate finances ever good? Harley says no, but I am confused. I have an emotional need for financial security.

Separate bank accounts are never good, it builds a "Whats yours is mine whats mine keep your hands off" attitude. The only time separate bank accounts become worthwhile is when you are thinking of breaking up. As this is the firs sign, when you got married you generaly take the marriage for better or for worse, for rich or for poor. Where did we lose this, or are we all just using it as words cause thats what the movies do.<P>Marriage is not only sharing stuff but also a friendship. There is no question where love is not the answer. Some of the questions that you need to ask yourself, "Do you love him and are you prepared to share yourself physically, emotionally, monetary with your partner. If you answered no to any part then you must start looking at yourself rather than at your partner.<P>When you came together you together as one, stay that way. It seems that you may be a little obsessed with posessions and your partner has picked up on the little hints.<P>Work it out casue you know you can. Just remember when you build your relationship out of sand it is bound to crumble, then you may think that clay is stronger and pliable but hey that real cold. So build it now on a strong foundation. Good luck and always remember a smile will make you happy, so turn that frown upside down

Thanks Anthony.<BR>Any more opinions on this?

I will disagree with Anthony in part. One it is always a good idea for each spouse to establish a credit rating in their own name.<BR>Two I have a separate checking account for business purposes, it simplifies the bookkeeping. (We have had joint accounts for more than 30 years)<P>Late payments and turned-off utilities are not doing either of you any good. How people deal with money is almost more personal than how they deal with sex. What works for some won't work for others, sit down and decide what will work for you, both of you.. I suspect there are several things going on here and that money is only the most visible sign.<P>Take care and good luck.

I agree.<P>My S was married before. After we married, I wanted $$ account separate because I didn't trust X not to try to get at my $$ & my fears cuz father embezzeled my mother's retirement $$. We had several conversations & arguments about this.<P>My S has always made less than I do. It doesn't bug me now although it did in the beginning 'cuz most $$ when to X (supposedly for CS). [That is another story.] Which left me holding the rent, utility, groceries, etc.<P>What we finally worked out is the following: separate checking accts. One joint acct which both parties must sign in order to withdraw $$. Joint everything else (both names on bills, etc.) From my checking comes $$ for all bills and monthly deposit to joint acct. From S checking: groceries, travel expenses (gas, food), fun $$ (dates, etc). We pay bills together: I write checks, S stuff envelopes, stamps, etc. <P>Retirement: S has pension which will cease at death, I receive 25% of his 401k. I have 401k & IRA which goes to my sibs.<P>This works for us although it did require a lot of committment to discovering what the 'hot' buttons were.<P>Hope this helps.

Breadwinner:<P>How do you handle luxury items or personal purchases (clothing, nights out, treats for you?)

Breadwinner: How do you handle luxury items or personal purchases (clothing, nights out, treats for you?)<P>We each purchase our own clothing & treats, S pays for most nights out when we go together, we each pay our own when we go out separately.<P>As for luxury items - we have compromised on one large luxury item a year - usually a vacation which comes from the joint account. I put in the majority of the $$ but S contributes bonus $$, some OT$ & other $$.<P>What makes this work is that we jointly agreed upon this & I had to evaluate & understand my emotional attachment to financial security. S had to understand emotional attachment to financial control.