My wife and I are classical musicians and play the same instrument. With the very limited number of jobs in this field, we are forced to compete against each other and this has caused a few sticky situations. <P>We studied with the same teacher for our Master degree and both admired him greatly. He has cut off contact with me but continues to not only speak to my wife but gives her career advancing items and inside information on job openings. <P>My wife admits that it is preferential treatment over some of his past and present students but refuses to curtail the relationship. We both have a strong desire to succeed and I understand her feelings of wanting to get ahead. <P>Two questions:<P>1.Should I care that a person who dislikes me continues to cultivate a very close relationship with my wife and actively tips the scales in her favor in the job hunt? <P>2.I get the feeling that if she had to chose, she would chose this career enhancing relationship over her marriage to me. Am I just blind with jealousy?<P><BR>Help<BR>

Two things came to mind right off. <P>1) situation with teacher, suspicious. If not currently anything happening between them, very risky anyway. <P>2) You are married to each other. You are supposed to put each other before all other people, things and situations.<P>Close relationships are more important any day than career advancement, money or prestige. You need to make an effort to have conversations about this with your wife and see if you can get down to the nitty gritty about what your life together and life in general is to be about. <P>You didn't say, but do you have children?<P>--Lisa

No, we do not have children. <P>I am very confused and find it hard to describe how I feel. I don't want to lash out at her out of jealousy but I'm very concerned about being betrayed. <P>I feel as you do Lisa, however, being a newly wed, how much can you demand from a spouse. How do you even go about conveying that you love them but you feel very threatened by that relationship. <P>Then there is the question of should I feel threatened at all. As she has suggested, why should she curtail the relationship with him if he simply likes her more than me. And, maybe he feels she has more potential to succeed. You can see where the discussion is headed. It is ultimately headed to you are just jealous that he invests more interest in me than you and you don't want me to succeed. <P>Some history on this sticky situation. In the past he offered to her a very rare and career enhancing piece of musical equipment and in her excitement she forwarded the email to me. Since the email said he had two of the items and she had forwarded the email to me, I assumed that he was offering one to each of us. I was ecstatic that the person we admired so much had thought enough of us to make the offer. <P>At this point he cut off communications with me and through her, replied that the offer was only extended to my wife. I was crushed that the most influential person in my life, the person I looked up to, had turned his back on me for reasons still to this day never communicated to me.<P>My wife accepted the item and refused to inquire as to why this sudden change in his feelings towards me, whether he would sell one to me or to admit that his actions were unfair and blatantly disruptive to our relationship.<P>He eventually, with no contact with me, begrudgingly sold one of the items to me. However, the situation had already injuried my relationship with my wife.<P>Presently, they are cultivating an ever closer relationship. She routinely watches his children and visits his home. I don't think it would be exaggerating to say that she would not turn down any of his invitations even though they would not include myself. <P>How would you handle this situation?

Dear anncicero2:<P>Interesting name. Comment: you sound like marriage counseling might help you. Wife doesn't show much loyalty. This situation isn't a case of two students any more. You're a married couple, the teacher is opposite sex, he's in a position of power, power is intoxicating and has aphrodisiac qualities to it (not to mention gratitude which may come into play when one is the beneficiary of gifts and favors). <P>Will your wife agree to counseling? Or is she in "It ain't broke; don't fix it" mode?<P><BR>"My wife admits that it is preferential treatment over some of his past and present students but refuses to curtail the relationship. We both have a strong desire to succeed and I understand her feelings of wanting to get ahead. <P>Two questions:<P>1.Should I care that a person who dislikes me continues to cultivate a very close relationship with my wife and actively tips the scales in her favor in the job hunt? "<P>I would care! It is hurtful.<P>"2. I get the feeling that if she had to chose, she would chose this career enhancing relationship over her marriage to me. Am I just blind with jealousy?"<P>Jealousy in this case is normal. <P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Bellevue-<P>Thanks for the support. I was beginning to think I was being irrational. <P>My W has suggested that if I couldn't handle her relationship with this world-class musician that we would probably have to seek counseling because these situations may continue to arise. That was the clue to me that not only do I plan to continue cultivating this relationship but there is every indication that I will be given more career help and I'm not about to cause any waves for you.<P>My W is a very talented and intelligent woman and I believe with or without his help she will succeed in our field. I just have a problem with this extremely influential person cultivating a relationship with her to the exclusion of myself. That sends many odd vibes to me and I don't understand why someone would do that to a married couple. <P>Would it not be the same if I had a female friend already performing with an orchestra that disliked my W and would not extend any invitations that included us both? To take that a step farther, how about in addition she was very active in working behind the scenes to get me a job with that orchestra.<P>I also have to take into consideration that what if she reluctantly curtails the relationship and bitterness torpedoes our marriage.

What you are stuggleing with here is, the often hotly debated topic of, opposite sex friends. This klind of close (exclusive) relationship with a member of the opposite sex spells trouble for most marriages. At first I thought that the career advancement aspect of your situation gave it a different twist. I now see that it just the same old cozying up to the boss that often leads to the destruction of the marriage. <P>It is clear that you and your W have enetered marriage without talking through a lot of issues. You would benefit greatly by reading about emotional needs and the other concepts on this web site. You and your W need to strengthen your relationship before your will have any success resolving this issue. <P>Your W is willing to go to counseling! Great! May I suggest that you try phone counseling with Dr. Harley. He will be able to help you build a relationship with your W that is grounded and string so that you together can resolve any issue.<P>Mud <><

I greatly appreciate everyones feedback on this issue. My family believes very strongly in not airing your dirty laundry, so I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my friends or family members. <P>I am growing increasingly alarmed that members with more marriage experience repeatedly mention the possibility of my W committing adultry! I had not given that possibility any thought. Maybe out of lingering admiration for a past hero or disbelief that she would do that to me or he would do that to his wife and wonderful young children. <P>Before marriage counseling, does anyone suggest involving our parents to help us work through this? That could be cumbersom getting none musicians to not assume it is a "...she has one, why can't I?!" situation but grasp the larger issue of an influential person excluding one member of a married couple. However, it has not been a problem for anyone in this forum.<P><p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 18, 2000).]

Dear Sir -<P>I don't think it is too hard to figure out why your former teacher is making nice to your wife and not to you.<P>He is trying to get her into bed.<P>You need to act accordingly. <P>No, I would not recommend involving your parents. A counselor would be more objective. I think this is a marriage issue, not a career one. <P>It is still possible that your wife's involvement is innocent, and that she is simply trying to get the benefits of the friendship for her career, but if the teacher has not yet begun to try to seduce her, he will, probably shortly. Confronting her directly with a 'him or me' choice at this point may not be a good idea. If your wife is still not involved with him, she may see your reaction as silly or defensive. A non-confrontational expression of your expectations that he will be coming onto her soon may be a better idea. She may laugh it off now, but at least she will be prepared when it does happen.<P>Good luck and may the Lord be with you. I have a feeling you are about to find out what you are really made of.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by anncicero2:<BR><B>... grasp the larger issue of an influential person excluding one member of a married couple</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How is he "excluding" you? If this is a case where a person is threatening, or blatantly rude, or badmouthing you behind your back to your wife or to anyone in your wife's presence, your wife should not be having an amicable relationship with that person. That is just obvious loyalty to your spouse.<P>If this is a case where a former mentor happens to favor one student over another, well, there is a grey area there. <P>What if next time she was watching his kids, you tagged along? What would his reaction be? If I were you, I might try to sort of purposely insert myself into the interaction between him and your wife, and see what he does. His reaction may make his intentions clearer, or maybe at least expose what his problem is with you.<P>