Anyone that has read "A Sticky One" in the Resolving Conflict forum will know the background on this situation. <P>My W is now talking divorce!! I get the feeling it is almost a done deal in her mind. I want to work any of our problems out and do not want to give up our marriage. Here are my choices as I see them:<P>1. The past year has been hard on my career due to a hand injury and past bad choices. However, I am now at the beginning of an up swing. My injury is healing allowing more concentration on my performance skills and I've been given a second chance by some of the powers that be. This has lead to a general brightening of my mood. I could throw myself into this second chance. That could ultimately lead us into a situation where one of us has a job and the other gets a job in a different part of the country and we have already decided that we refuse to live seperately and remain married.<P>2. I give up my dream of orchestral performance and enter another field. All the problems of being in the same field will end and many short-term issues will be resolved. However, my W has expressed that she may not want to be tied down to anyone at this time in her life(she feels confused at this time), so the marriage may end and I will have missed my second chance forever. <P>Help<P>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 20, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 23, 2000).]

Your wife is saying things very typical of someone involved in an affair. Whether the relationship has become physical yet or not she is at least involved in an emotional affair. Read all the info here especially Plan A. Read the General Questions forum and post about your situation for more responses.

I can't say whether my W is currently involved in an affair. There is not clear cut evidence. <P>I have, however, become aware of a trend that I ignored over the time we've been together. That is one of latching on to men in positions of power(myself not included--I have no "power" that I am aware of). <P>1. She revelled in the special attention she received from another professor we studied with for a short time. He was a musician on the classical music world stage. When his advances became sexual in nature, she and two other female students also being given special attention and gifts, reported him to the Dean. That seemed to come about when it was becoming increasingly evident that this musician's career was on a downward track(his wife was having an affair).<P>2. Shortly before we began dating, she was dating another musician of our same instrument. He took a big emotional down-turn after losing an audition. Soon after his audition failure, she dumped him. <P>3. After I put a group together for a school special project, it was decided by the powers that be that a faculty member had to be apart of the group. The professor that is referred to in my other postings had my W tell me that he would be replacing me in the group. My W's reaction was that it was unfair, however, she was very excited about playing in a group with him and she wasn't about to make any waves, end of conversation. The other members of the group were so appaulled by the profs action that they offered to talk to him in mass to tell him it was not fair since I had organized the group. <P>4. The equipment situation I've talked about in my other postings "a sticky one".<P>5. Presently, I'm in the beginning of coming out of a down slope caused by repetitive strain. There is the powerful male figure who is cultivating a very close relationship with her. And she is contemplating dumping me.<P>It all adds up, I think, to I will do whatever it takes to succeed regardless if I have to step on my husband(or disgard him) to do it. Sobering. <p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 23, 2000).]

I have read a few of your other posts, and I think I have some answers (though not all, certainly).<P>Your W has a need to feed her ego!<P>In your profession, like mine (radio personality), you tend to gravitate towards the people who feed your ego. The adulation that accompanies such talent can be distracting and even destructive. <P>Many people who perform for a living have deep-seated insecurities. While simple praise and adulation may be sufficient to assuage this need, when someone finds your hot-buttons and pushes them, there is no feeling like it in the world. This professor is filling a vital emotional need that perhaps you cannot fill, as she sees you as somewhat of a rival. The teacher can praise her, pass along insights to her, and is not threatening in that he has already achieved the level of success she seeks.<P>I wish I had a simple answer for you. What you need to do is separate your W from her ego. This suspected OM is playing directly to the person your W is when she is "on." You need to separate her from the line he's feeding her and make her realize that this guy is playing her for all he can. <BR>

cjack-<P>Thank you for a very insightful reply. You are absolutely correct in saying<P>"Many people who perform for a living have deep-seated insecurities." <P>My W has an extreme need to be told she is smart and talented. It also explains the steep down turn I went through during the on set of my repetitive strain injury. <P>"This professor is filling a vital emotional need that perhaps you cannot fill, as she sees you as somewhat of a rival. The teacher can praise her, pass along insights to her, and is not threatening in that he has already achieved the level of success she seeks."<P>Right on the mark. <P>What you need to do is separate your W from her ego. This suspected OM is playing directly to the person your W is when she is "on." <P>Could you clarify this. I don't understand what you mean by "when she is on". How would you suggest separating her from her ego?<P><BR>"You need to separate her from the line he's feeding her and make her realize that this guy is playing her for all he can."<P>If there is an OM it could be quite difficult to separate her from him. For one, she will be in New York state studying with the professor along with many other students(the OM most likely is one of them) for three more weeks. Also, I've tried to in the past to explain to my W the nature of men in just these circumstances and she refuses to believe that men will work on such a low level just to get a woman in bed. <P>Thank you for your reply.<P>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 23, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited August 26, 2000).]

What I'm referring to when I say she is "on" is sort of a dual personality aspect. When she is performing, a different part of her personality comes across. I've noticed this with myself and many others in my profession.<BR>When I'm "on stage," my ego is being fed by whatever feedback source is available, whether it is a crowd at a concert, a station promotion, or merely being recognized at a shopping mall. When a performer is on stage, he or she is receiving an enormous amount of positive feedback. <BR>Perhaps the suspected OM is aware of this distinction, and is playing his cards not to her, but to the performing, egotist spirit within her.<BR>I'm not sure how to separate her from her ego. I'm still learning how to deal with my own, actually. Many of my problems with my W stem from the fact that, due to a job change, my ego is not being fed properly. So my personality has changed. The first step is realizing that a different aspect of your personality appears when you are performing. This explains why the last year has been so difficult for you. Your ego has not been fed! Your W may even have a deep-seated rivalry for you, and now that you're getting back to playing, she is resentful.<BR>As for the trip to New York, I think the only thing you can do is provide her with lots of information. With the help of MB, I was able to tell my W exactly what her motivations for seeing the OM were, as well as his motivations for seeing her. Knowing this, she has begun to re-evaluate her relationship with him. If you could give your W a couple of different scenarios of exactly how such infidelity can develop, maybe she will "catch herself" when the scenario presents itself.

"When I'm "on stage," my ego is being fed"<P>In the instrumental classical music world this would be "Man, she/he is good! You'll see him/her in a major orchestra/as a soloist some day."<P>"This explains why the last year has been so difficult for you. Your ego has not been fed!"<P>I did feel humiliated, useless and in a free-fall. All from an injury caused by trying to succeed!<P>"Your W may even have a deep-seated rivalry for you, and now that you're getting back to playing, she is resentful."<P>I don't know if she is resentful, however, in our Masters program I was considered the better musician by our colleagues. Ironicly, my success during our Masters caused many arguments as to how much I cared about her versus my instrument. Now I am asking her the same question and getting "...I think I'm going through a selfish phase...I don't want to have to think about your career future, just mine."<P>She is currently in New York state, has been for four weeks and will be for another three. I brought up the possibility of me visiting but she remarked that she felt no deep desire to see me. In a subsequent conversation I mentioned that my mother had offered to pay for me to visit. I got a long silence and a half hearted "...well I would be happy to see you if you came..." No "Yes! Please come soon. I miss you.", etc. Strange behavior considering in the past she has enthusiasticly had me visit several times during her summer studies.<P>I have to repeat that oddly enough, she has said she didn't mean what she said about divorce and wished she hadn't brought it up. Also, for the most part, she is loving in our phone conversations.<P>