First, some background information: I last posted sometime in January about physical attractiveness issues. I've been married for five years - and no affairs that I know of.<P>After we married, I started going back to school full time, and in the process, put on a little weight. Mind you, I'm not obese or anything - many think I have a cute figure today, just a little plump. I don't like it because I was an athlete in high school and I feel uncomfortable being "fat".<P>When I wrote back in January, I felt as if my husband was sabotaging my efforts to stay physically attractive. He always told me how beautiful and sexy I was, in spite of his habit of "checking out" women in public who were obviously slimmer than I. Everyone said that I should just get over it - how lucky was I that he said he loved me no matter how big I was?<P>About a month ago, after some weeks of suspecting something was amiss, I asked him if he still felt attracted to me. When he approached me for sexual intimacy, (which seemed to be less and less often) I felt like I was being pawed and used.<P>What blew me away was that this time, instead of reassuring me in his usual way that I was still attractive to him, he said no, that he didn't find me attractive anymore. Then he grew angry becuase I had "made him tell me the thing that he promised himself he would never say to me."<P>I grew withdrawn and depressed and I couldn't even look at him without weeping. My husband is a VERY attractive man - I catch women looking at him all the time - and all I can think of is that given the opportunity, he will dump me for someone with a smaller dress size.<P>A couple of days later, he tried to make up with me, apologizing for what he said. I told him that I forgave him, and I've been doing my best to do just that, but in many ways, I feel like he's depleted the Love Bank and he doesn't have overdraft protection. The magic is gone.<P>So, I've been going to the gym six days a week and exercising like my marriage depended on it.<P>The kicker is, the past couple of weeks have been o.k., we were getting along pretty well and enjoying nights out together frequently until last night. He brought the subject back up, so I figured he was ready to talk about it. He told me that the problem wasn't me - but him. <P>Apparently, he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore not (just) because I'm overweight, but because he masturbates at least once a day and it curbs his desire to do anything with me. In fact, he went on to say that I was too much work and he'd rather "take care of his needs" himself.<P>But, to make matters worse, he felt embarassed to share that information with me - so he got angry again and lashed out at me. This time with specifics. He pointed out specific body parts that he "hated" and then moved on to personality traits that he also hates.<P>I feel gutted, crushed and betrayed. I know I'm overweight and I'm doing everything in my power to get back my old self. But I'm so deeply hurt by what he has said - it's like every bad thing you think about yourself that runs on a little tape loop - over and over again in your mind was just articulated by the one person you love so much you would die for. I've never said anything critical of him - I'm his biggest cheerleader always giving him compliments. It's like I brought out the best in him, and now he's too good for me.<P>He seems to have no remorse either. He says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore - that there is no resolving the problem. When I ask him if he still loves me, he says not right now.<P>I have a business trip in two weeks, I'll be away for a week. This gives him ample opportunity to have a jack-off fest since I won't be home to disturb him. I'm welcoming the chance to escape. I can't stand this ambiguity and veiled hostility in my house. It's like we're barely staying civil to each other. I keep trying to reach out to him, to make up, to resolve the conflict - but he doesn't bite.<P>I'm to the point now where I don't think I love him anymore. In fact, in church today I didn't even participate in the liturgy - it seemed too hypocritical to do so. I was so filled with hate towards him that it seemed wrong to join in the words of compassion, forgiveness and peace.<P>His friend has told him that he had it too good, and now he approaches me with a sense of futility - it's like he knows that I can never forget how cruel he has been, so he's given up. I'm considering moving out after graduation next year. I can't live like this. I would never file for divorce, but I don't want to live with him either. I don't want anyone else - and I know he doens't have anyone of the opposite sex that he wants to be with either. I'm really confused, I love him but I hate him. I've made every attempt to speak to him in the softest, gentlest way - to get him to show just a little tenderness, but nothing, nada. I wish marriage licenses expired. I wish I would be hit by a car crossing the street and killed instantly.<P>Well, what does everyone think - should I stay or should I go? or should I just ignore him and plot my revenge - get thin and beautiful, but refuse all his advances?<P><BR>

Quote:<P>"Well, what does everyone think- should I stay or should I go? or should I just ignore him and plot my revenge-get thin and beautiful- and refuse all his advances?"<P>Mookie,<P>What are you thinking? Is this train of thought what is taught here? Are you looking for support to love bust all over the place?<P>Now with this said, I understand that you are hurting....most if not all of us here posting on this page are hurting for a variety of reasons.<P>Please, go into the Plan A section of the concepts taught here....this should be a great starting point for you....also, look at the His Needs section....from what you have posted, I would guess that his most important need is an attractive spouse....meet that need for him....he will respond!<P>You need to decide if you are going to take the high road or low road....please, find room in your heart to forgive him and make your marriage work.....Plan A.....Plan A...Plan A.....it does work for most.<P>Use this board as your place to vent....don't give up.....keep trying to make it work....it's worth it....<P>Take care and tie a knot in the end of your rope.....<P>Hang in There!

Well, I defintely don't want to make excuses or justify a whole scheme of "love busting", but it gets a little more complicated from here...<P>When H and I first got married, his mother hated me for many reasons, but mostly racial/ethnic prejudice. She didn't even come to our wedding. H has been a real god-given blessing, because he chose me over his family. His family has conceded and we have vacillated between not talking to each other and reconcilliation.<P>Both of our families think that I have put way too much pressure on H to put me through school (this in fact is just due to circumstances - if I had the better paying job, he would have gone to school first) and that his family believed that I would walk out the door the minute I got my college diploma and said so.<P>Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy - its as if he is pushing me to fulfill his mother's beliefs. <P>A typical fight scenario plays out like this: We get angry at each other (usually about something trivial or small, but usually just hurt ego) and stop talking. His solution is to avoid me, my solution is to try and talk about it. Then he feels cornered, or in an effort to end the conflict and show how silly the argument is, he brings up divorce. A few times he has actually packed his bags and stayed at a friend's house. Usually this ends with me crying and begging him on my hands and knees to reconsider, come back baby please oh please.<P>I've repeatedly asked him not to mention the "D" word unless he really means it, but he keeps doing it - he knows that's the soft underbelly to attack.<P>Well, somehow I have always swallowed my pride (literally) gotten down on my hands and knees and begged him to stay. Of course he always does and things are rosy - even for months.<P>So last night I just snapped. I'm tired. I'm all checkmated out of solutions. If marriage is this high-maintenance, show me the nearest attorneys office. When he mentioned the whole separation thing, instead of my usual - that's not a solution, I still love you, blah blah blah, I just said o.k. He was actually surprised.<P>Here is the root of the problem - we read His Needs, Her Needs together when we first got married. However, we didn't know about, let alone read Love Busters. So now, whenever one of us feels our needs are not being met, we resort to Love Busting methods to get our way.<P>See, a month ago, I was still living high on Best Wife in the World status. All of his friends are jealous of our relationship. I felt secure enough (despite the D word he resorts to during arguments) to indulge him in various ways - and go out of my way to meet his needs. Sexually - I'll do pretty much anything, companionship - I do anything he likes to do, in fact I can't even remember if I ever had any of my own hobbies, his Stuff just seems more fun to do - etc. etc. <P>I'm worried that all the porn that he's been watching has wrecked his ideal about what real women look like. Look - I'm not disgusting. Sure, I could stand to firm up a bit (and I'm working on it) but here's a guy that has now mentioned liposuction and breast augmentation and wants me to dye my hair blonde or red.<P>I guess I've tried plan A - I've been nice to him and let him know that I'm willing to "make up" and talk about this in a civilized way. His response - "why bother? we're just going to end up in a fight again, so why make up?" Well, I'm through begging and I'm through with feeling defensive. I've aksed him if he wants to eat and he tells me he's not going to eat dinner. I've resorted to Plan B or a modified version thereof - I no longer eat with him and I do not speak unless spoken to. When I'm home, all I do is sleep (or sit at the computer which precludes me from contact with him). This is no easy task - we have a very small apartment, but he's pretty much told me that he is no longer physically attractive, that he may not love me (I asked him if he hated me, and he gave me no answer) and it's not worth it to him to make up? He barely keeps a lid on his hostility if you ask me.<P>So how do you get a stone wall to talk?

Mookie,<P>The questions you are asking can only be answered by you and you alone.<P>As far as Plan A goes, there have been folks here that have been in it for a year or more. I've been trying to do it for a long time.<P>There again, I cannot / will not judge you and your decision. But, I will offer this.<P>If you can end your marriage with a clear conscience, then the decision is yours to make. If not, try Plan A for another 6 months and re-evaluate at that time.<P>If you do want out and do not want to try to fix it, then just go. Don't stick around to finish school then leave, that would be wrong in my humble opinion.<P>As far as getting him to talk and commit to fixing things, it may not happen soon, that is why you need to make the decision to go into Plan A without expecting anything in return or just give up.<P>I hope my candor hasn't offended you, I'm on lunch break and wanted to get right to the point.<P>I know you're hurting and want the pain to end. Just be sure your decisions are made on sound judgements and not pure emotions.<P>Hang in There!

No, I'm not offended. In fact, I'm refreshed by your candor.<P>I've had a change of heart - I think I will try to get him to read Love Busters with me if I can find a copy somewhere.<P>I can't help but be disgusted and hurt when I find all of these porn sites he's logged onto when I get home after work, but I'll try to be a good trooper and put that aside.<P>I talked with someone today that said just the right thing at just the right time that made me rethink everything. It's not important to share what they said - but the root of my whole thing is trying to find real forgiveness - separating the person from the behavior. I'm going to try and be patient - maybe I was just being psycho PMS woman. I don't know.

AHHHHH! I always run from a pycho PMS woman!<P>LOL!!!! Hate it when my W has major PMS....<P>Time to go fishing....let the kids suffer like I did when my mom was there!!!<P>To your most recent post....it's very late where I am....play computer games with W and then had to write a proposal.....so, I'll get right to the point.<P>Don't expect too much from your H. I would venture to guess that he is feeling some type of justification to looking at the porn. And, I would also guess, that he's not interested in reading Love Busters....if he is, GREAT!!!<P>But, if he isn't.....you need to go into plan A.....remember, plan A isn't meant to be for both spouses....it is a plan for one to use to help change the others heart. My W did not and still doesn't participate in active Plan A....at this time, I'm meeting her needs and she's happy....but as far as focusing on my needs.....she doesn't unless I quit meeting her needs.<P>But, in her defense, she suffers from very low self esteem and depression. So, trying to change her habits is very difficult for her. Recently, she has been taking medicine for her depression and it's made a world of difference.<P>All I am trying to say is, KEEP PLAN A'ing no matter what your H does. Maybe try to meet his need of what he sees as an attractive spouse (not advocating plastic surgery) by loosing a few pounds....make yourself desirable to he in his eyes.<P>It's not an easy road in front of you....it will take a lot of work.....and you'll get frustrated....but, don't give up.<P>Hang in There!

Ahh, Success!<P>I met him at the gym last night, and he seemed really happy to see me. He apologized for ignoring me - he was thinking. I apologized for being crazy psycho PMS woman and we laughed about it.<P>I told him that I thought that we were missing part of the puzzle - that we had read His Needs, Her Needs together and so now we knew what we needed, but we didn't know how to going about getting/giving those needs - so we resorted to love busting methods to get our needs met.<P>We couldn't find Love Busters, but we did find the Four Gifts of Love and started reading it to each other, chapter by chapter. We had a nice picnic on the bed (the dog was whining because we weren't giving him all the attention) and talked about what our needs were, why we chose those needs that were highly prioritize and why we didn't choose others. Then we talked about what specific actions could fulfill those needs. Overall it was a pretty amazing experience - very productive!<P>Then we had outrageous make-up sex until 2 am and I don't care that I was tired all day at work today. When I came home today, there was a really sweet egreeting card from H telling me how glad he is we made up and how much he loves me. Wow!<P>So, sorry for freaking out and venting all over the message board. I really hope that your W feels better - it's amazing what a little medication can accomplish. I know what you mean about PMS - usually I don't get that way, but with all this other stuff going on, I guess it made me bats in the belfry.<P>Cheers!

CONGRADULATIONS!!!!<P>Keep in Plan A!<P>Hang in There!