after 16 years of marriage and 4 children I had found 2 years ago that my husband has cybersex on the computer--pictures of women,emails voice mails and the like--all done when I am sleeping for the night.I have taken it upon myself to email these women to no avail.After 16 years of marraige and 4 children I am not about to let a computer destroy everything.Intimacey isnt the issue because we are intimate-alot.But I cant help thinking if he's thinking or fantasing about these women he has cybersex with.Where do I go from here?Has anyone else been in this situation and if so--can you give me advice?I have begged him to stay off the computer unless I am right there.The stipulation was when we bought the computer NO CYBERSEX.I am attractive (look like Juliana marguiles so I have been told) so it isnt an attractiveness issue either and it isnt lack of intimacey--Im wondering if he just has a sexual obsession.He gets voice mails emails and pictures from these women and I have emailed these women myself to make them aware that yes he is married and has 4 children to boot.To no avail--they just keep it up.I am at wits end and dont know what to do--but know after 16 years of marriage and 4 children i wont let a computer tear it all down.<P>

Hi,<P>You might try netaddiction.com or it might be .org, the orginator of that site has also written a book "Caught in the Net". Some didn't think much of it, but it helped me.<P>Another site (I don't know whether it is still active) is <A HREF="http://www.intervention.com," TARGET=_blank>www.intervention.com,</A> it had a section on computer addiction.<P>Believe me you are not alone, a little searching on the net will show dozens of sites. I'm seeing a psycholgist and asked her if this was an increasing problem. She replied "They're coming in in droves, porn and chat rooms."<P>You should read all the material at this site, it doesn't directly address your problem but there is valuable info on marriage in general.<P>Take care

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B>Hi,<P>You might try netaddiction.com or it might be .org, the orginator of that site has also written a book "Caught in the Net". Some didn't think much of it, but it helped me.<P>Another site (I don't know whether it is still active) is <A HREF="http://www.intervention.com," TARGET=_blank>www.intervention.com,</A> it had a section on computer addiction.<P>Believe me you are not alone, a little searching on the net will show dozens of sites. I'm seeing a psycholgist and asked her if this was an increasing problem. She replied "They're coming in in droves, porn and chat rooms."<P>You should read all the material at this site, it doesn't directly address your problem but there is valuable info on marriage in general.<P>Take care</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>intervention.com I could not bring up--but I was able to bring up netaddiction.com--which I think will be VERY useful!Thank you so much!<P>

You are very welcome. Sorry about the inactive site, I'll see if I can find a more current address.<P>Remember you are not alone, others have faced this and some have emerged better than ever. I repeat, read the stuff here. The internet is just one aspect of your lives.<P>Take care, take courage.

You may want to re-think your approach, first of all. It seems like your attempts to stop him center on things that one would do to a child (keeping him away from the computer, calling the other women, etc..) these are treating a symptom, like the wife of an alcoholic tryig to hide the bottles. What has he said when you ask him why he does it? How old is he? Center on communicating with him--ask him up front if he's really seeking another woman, just looking at nude pictures is arguably not a severe problem, but the voice mails and emails are something else. Good luck.<P>Woody<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by katz:<BR><B>after 16 years of marriage and 4 children I had found 2 years ago that my husband has cybersex on the computer--pictures of women,emails voice mails and the like--all done when I am sleeping for the night.I have taken it upon myself to email these women to no avail.After 16 years of marraige and 4 children I am not about to let a computer destroy everything.Intimacey isnt the issue because we are intimate-alot.But I cant help thinking if he's thinking or fantasing about these women he has cybersex with.Where do I go from here?Has anyone else been in this situation and if so--can you give me advice?I have begged him to stay off the computer unless I am right there.The stipulation was when we bought the computer NO CYBERSEX.I am attractive (look like Juliana marguiles so I have been told) so it isnt an attractiveness issue either and it isnt lack of intimacey--Im wondering if he just has a sexual obsession.He gets voice mails emails and pictures from these women and I have emailed these women myself to make them aware that yes he is married and has 4 children to boot.To no avail--they just keep it up.I am at wits end and dont know what to do--but know after 16 years of marriage and 4 children i wont let a computer tear it all down.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Woody:<BR><B>You may want to re-think your approach, first of all. It seems like your attempts to stop him center on things that one would do to a child (keeping him away from the computer, calling the other women, etc..) these are treating a symptom, like the wife of an alcoholic tryig to hide the bottles. What has he said when you ask him why he does it? How old is he? Center on communicating with him--ask him up front if he's really seeking another woman, just looking at nude pictures is arguably not a severe problem, but the voice mails and emails are something else. Good luck.<P>Woody<P> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He is 40 this Dec and his response is "its just a computer"--not a good enough response for me!214 pictures of nude women--I dont think hes JUST having fun--I would personally say there is probably more to it than that--JMO.Never really asked him your questions.It IS a shame to have to treat a nearly 40 year old like a child--isnt it?But what else am I to do?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B>You are very welcome. Sorry about the inactive site, I'll see if I can find a more current address.<P>Remember you are not alone, others have faced this and some have emerged better than ever. I repeat, read the stuff here. The internet is just one aspect of your lives.<P>Take care, take courage.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>tried the other site again--it IS active-- finally went through!Thanks!<P>

I too have been hurt by my significant other having cybersex with other women. But it was also phone sex. I came across emails that he had written to these women, expressing his deep love, saying the same things that he said to me. The point and fact is is that when you truly love someone you don't take it that far. How would he feel if you did the same? The trust is broken completely. Someone said that it's childish to keep him off the computer. Let it happen to her/him. It is not childish. It has taken me time, lots of it, and I still don't trust my husband completely. He understand that- and when he wants to get on the computer he tells me because he knows that he is the one who broke the trust and he has to earn it back, at all costs. He knows how important it is for me to trust him, and he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Asking him to do the same would be a good idea. It's not acting like his mother in any way, and it's not about control. It's about a need to be loved, and a need to trust the person that you love, are married too, and have children with. If he's truly sorry, and wanting forgiveness, and wanting to change, he'll do that for you.