I just need some advice here. I have a girlfriend who on several occasions has "popped" over to my house when I am not home, while my husband was here with my kids. She doesn't call first to see if I am here. She knows my car, so she would see it first thing when she came over, yet she comes in anyway. She is very attractive, and my husband is very attractive. I have been with her on numerous occasions where she flirts with everyone (she is married). Last night she came to my house while I was at work (we work together) after she had been out of town for 2 weeks. I checked her mail for her and had her keys, but she didn't even ask for her keys. It seems to me that as soon as she got back in town she rushed over to see "me" (my husband). I am having a hard time trying to decide how to feel about this, and don't know how to express my feelings to my husband. He knows it bothers me, it isn't his fault, yet I still can't figure out what to do! Any advice? Confused!!!!!!

trjhn,<P>Depending upon your girlfriend, anything you say will probably upset her. However, for your peace of mind, you should tell her how you feel. You don't approve of opposite sex friendships (ask anyone on the just found out board it's usually a co-worker or friend who has an affair with a spouse) and you are not comfortable with her dropping by the house if you are not there.<P>Tell her it's your problem - you're just too jealous of your husband. It's nothing to do with her or her relationship with you. Just be careful. If things aren't going well in your marriage and she tells your husband that you "warned her off" how will your H react?<P>Will it make him resentful that you don't trust him? Frankly you are right not to trust any woman who may have more of an interest than is healthy in your H. You and your spouse should be meeting all of each other's needs - emotional and otherwise.<P>I'd advise you to get the book "His Needs Her Needs" available on this site. It gives you guidelines for making your marriage affair-proof.<P>H

<BR>Sorry, Major red flag!<BR>I would start checking your phone bills for calls out and also calls into your house to see if they are talking by phone. I also would start telling her often how much you love your H etc and see her reaction.Sorry, but be very careful, where theres smoke theres fire.

Actually, my friend knows I have a little bit of a trust problem. I talk with her about it because I don't like feeling that way. My husband and I have a good relationship and I do have the "His Needs, Her Needs" book. It is just upsetting that she, in spite of my feelings of insecurity, chooses to come over at times when I am not here. My husband got upset because he said it wasn't his fault she came over, which is true, but I am just reacting to the situation, not him. I don't want him to be upset with me about this, but I don't know how else to express myself.

I don't know about that, Tears. My kids were here too, and she doesn't seem weirded out when I tell her how much I love my husband. She seems to be very supportive. My husband also seems to be annoyed with some of her ways, too, and he feels there are times when she hasn't been a very good friend to me. I don't want to be too suspicious, I just don't feel it is appropriate for her to be here when I am not!

Hmm...I think I'd resolve the issue with my H first if I were in this situation.<P>Something like, sweetie, I've been thinking more about my friend dropping by when I'm not here. For my own peace of mind, I'm going to tell her not to do that. <P>Listen to his response and acknowledge it lovingly (practicing good communication skills). Emphasize he's RIGHT, it's not his fault.<P>Then DO tell your friend it makes you feel uncomfortable and you're asking her not to do that anymore because you value her friendship. If she accuses you of being jealous, shrug it off goodnaturedly with "youbetcha! I'm funny that way...." <P>A good friend will abide by your wishes.<P>Let us know what happens.<P>Laura

I feel kind of funny about asking her not to come by here. I think her feelings would be really hurt that she thought I didn't trust her. I think this is truly a problem with me. She and I are both new to this area we live in. We both moved here with our own children to be with our husbands who already lived here, and became friends when we met at the school bus stop. We are the same age and have so much in common it is scary. I am a very jealous person because of a previous issue with my husband (see "Is Phone Sex Cheating" in the Infedelity column). I know he loves me, he and I have a truly superb sex life and he is a wonderful father (to my children from a previous marriage, as well as to our own baby). He doesn't practice any "love busters" other than the one incident of phone sex. I just can't get past that, which has led me to this serious jealousy problem that I continue to have. I want so hard to trust him. He does nothing to make me not trust him, I just can't move forward. This issue with my girlfriend seems to just aggravate an already sensitive situation, and I think that she feels she is my friend and wouldn't see this as a situation for me to worry about!<P>What a mess, huh?

I don't think the problem is with you. SHe may not be "after" your H, but she is obviously looking for more attention...maybe she is just lonely. The point is, problems can arise without anyone intending for them too.<P>She should respect your wishes. Re-read Lucks response.<P>Kathi

How about this. When she came over, she and her husband had just got back from the airport. She came over to bring a candle she had got me while they were gone, and to borrow the 3rd book in a serious that she is reading. She was only here for a short time, because she and her husband were on their way out to dinner. I feel like I am overreacting a little. Am I? My husband is really upset with me, because I was really mad last night and wasn't being very fair to him. I am trying to express to him my feelings today, but I think he is pretty upset. My friend, on the other hand, doesn't know that I am upset and I truly don't feel I can ask her not to come here anymore when I am not home. I think she won't get it!

trjhn --<P>I think you ought to go with the same instincts that made you post this problem here on the board. Something's up and I would be very upset if a friend of mine did that on a regular basis. <P>I think you should be less concerned with your friends perceived "hurt feelings" than with protecting your home and family. <P>She will deny her intentions either way, so I say go with your intuition. It is not appropriate for a woman to visit a married man while his wife is gone, on a regular basis! <P>This is just the type of situation where something does happen, and one or both parties involved exclaims, "I never meant for anything to happen! It was just so nice to have someone to talk to, and you were always at work, and my husband wasn't home, and I just needed a friend. I didn't plan to have sex with your husband. It just happened!"<P>(Gag me with a spoon ) <P>I agree that you need to calm down with regard to how to talk to your husband about this. When you can be calm and reasonable discuss how you believe this visiting is inappropriate - try to come to a consensus on that with him, and maybe see if eventually HE can be the one to say to the friend, "Mary's not here right now...why don't you come back when she is!" <P>If not, you can say the same to the friend, that you miss seeing her when she chooses to visit when you're at work. Maybe make a point of making a "date" with her to eat out or have coffee, and quiz her casually on what's going on in her life. Put the pieces together. <P>If all else fails, can you change your work schedule??? <P>I hope some of what I've offered has helped in some small way. <P>Take care, and watch your back! Your loving, wonderful husband could easily be attractive to others - particularly others who may be currently unhappy in their present situations. <P>

Trjhn—<P>That situation is a little different, stopping by with her own H in tow to drop off a gift and borrow a book. Take that out of the general equation. Mild comment, your friend really doesn’t know how to politely call first, does she. SOME people. <P>Overreacting in your thoughts on the situation? Maybe. But there is nothing wrong with calmly performing protection maintenance for your marriage. <P>Talk to your H about it the way I suggested before. Soothe his hurt feelings. Then talk to your friend, in an upbeat way. You may be able to get away with teasing her, “Hey, if you keep comin’ over here when I’m not home I’m going to wonder if you’re after my husband! You’re my best friend, I don’t want my imagination going crazy over something easily fixable with your help. So, how’s that 3rd book in the series? Like it?” <P>Laura<BR>

Well, I must say I'm feeling a little stupid and relieved. I have talked with my husband a few times today regarding the situation and he assured me that he could see me being upset if she were to come in, stay for awhile, and have no other reason but to chit-chat. He reminded me (I tend to exaggerate) that this only the 2nd time she has come over without my being home, and that both times she was rushing around dropping things off, or picking them up, and did not stay for any more than a minute. Each time our 3 children were home so there was no privacy involved. He also reminded me he only tolerates my friend because I like her, and that he feels she has taken advantage of us (as a family) several times and he really doesn't like her that much. So... needless to say, I feel silly for freaking out about the situation before I got the basics. Obviously, our relationship has some kinks to work out and my jealousy and paranoia need some tending to. I am working really hard on both of these. My husband is wonderfully supportive and wants the best for us. He was definately disappointed I had a tizzy before letting him finish telling me what happened.<P>Thanks for the wonderful advice!<P>I feel goofy and appreciate the help!

If this was only the second time she had done this, and it is always just a quick drop-off, then you are reacting a bit strongly. That is a bit different than the situation you suggested in your first post.<P>Still, a friend who drops in often unannounced and "takes advantage" of your family can potentially cause other problems. If this starts to happen...if she does make a habit of not respecting your family's boundaries, don't feel awkward about drawing those boundaries, OK? <P>Glad you are feeling better!

Thank you! I realize I was hasty, but I wasn't sure of the whole situation at first. I was a bit more upset this morning, before I had been given the facts. I appreciate your responses and help with this!<P>Thanks for the happy thoughts!

<BR>I find that in these sort of awkward social situations, it is always best to look the person straight in the eye and tell the honest truth.<P>No, just kidding. What I really find is that it is best to think up a diabolically clever lie and build a Machiavellian scheme. Here's one for you:<P>It seems to me that your real problem boils down to the classic social dilemma of a friend who likes to drop by unannounced and uninvited. She has only done this twice, but it obviously bothers you. Try this: invent another acquaintance with the same bad habit, maybe a neighbor. ***** mightily to your friend about this neighbor's rude habit of stopping by without phoning first, how your husband was in the shower, how he was upset because it interrupted what he was doing, etc. Unless she is denser than lead, she will grok that this is behavior that upsets you and your household, and amend her own ways. <P>

LOL<P>Thanks! That's a funny, but sure way to get the point across! I appreciate it!