Dear friends,<P><BR>My H said that it is a common fact that when a spouse is under lots of stress that they take it out on their nearest and dearest. <P>Is this true?? <P>Why I ask is I am trying to understand what goes on in a healthy marriage. <P>He said "See Theressa, when your tired sometimes your impatient and snappy and <BR>short fused".<P>AND yes I am though I don't haul insults and nit pick at everything. <P>My h said he nit picks when he is tired and angry because things bother him more at these times. <P>He went on to say Theressa you see others marriages as all great, well they aren't. <P><BR>I said "Yes, I know everyone has ups and downs and are groggy, though with you, you <BR>tear me down you use me to release your stress, this isn't okay." <P>He said "That happens in ALL marriages" <P>Does it??? <P>What happens in normal healthy marriages when one spouse is over stressed????? <P><BR>Thanks for taking the time, its so important to me so I can know how reasonable I am being. <P>Theressa <BR>

Sadly, stress is often taken out on those nearest and dearest. While normal, it isn't a good thing.<P>And, there are different ways of taking out stress...some "tear down" more than others.<P>The true part of his message is that all marriages have rough spots. However, that doesn't mean that expressing his stress in a way that you feel tears you down is OK.<P>See if you can work together to eliminate the specific behaviors that make you feel that way...negotiate to get what you need and be sure he gets what he needs. For example, maybe when he's stressed he needs to be able to go to the basement or on a walk by himself for 30 minutes or something to blow off some steam without you being the target.<P>Read the Basic Concepts stuff on the homepage here...the "lovebusters" stuff in particular may help.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi<P>

Kathi,<P>Thanks, I know where the limits should be<BR>I think. Being a little snappy is one <BR>thing, tearing and putting down someone<BR>is not okay.<P>I just needed to get clarification yesterday<BR>because I felt low and my head was spinning.<P>I guess I need to be firm.<P>Thanks<BR>Theressa

Theressa1,<BR> <BR> When my H would have these angry outbursts, I would look at him and say,<BR>"So are you telling me you hate me and wish I was dead, or are you telling me you had a bad day?". Of course he'd say he didn't hate me and that he would never say that. <P> He rants at the kids, and I say, "Do you hate our children?", he says of course not, I just want them to clean their rooms. <P> After years of talking, it finally took Harleys book and a website I got from here, <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com/what1.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.drirene.com/what1.htm</A> to convince him that he "was" verbally abusive. Mostly it was the website!<P> The reason is his lack of communication skills. I have helped him to say what he means and mean what he says. "Go clean your room, or you wont be going out this weekend", is far more effective than the name calling and ridculing he used to do.<P> I have said what you are saying. That in a healthy relationship. Couples can "and do" express anger, frustration and unhappines. But they do it in a constructive way. Not in a destructive way. He lost all credibility in arguments and no one ever cared to stay and listen to him.<P> He is learning to think before he speaks. I watch him hesitate now before saying things to me or the girls, and I know that he is searching for the right words. And when he does I tell him how proud I am that he is learning to express himself.<P> There have been a few slips, along the way. But he realizes these immediately now and apologizes right away and changes his words. <P> Check out the website, I can't remember who passed it on to me, but I got H to sit and read it with me, and it was an eye-opener.<P> Good Luck<BR> Toni<P> <BR> <P> <P>[This message has been edited by SheRa (edited August 10, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by SheRa (edited August 10, 2000).]

Theressa1,<P>How the heck would <B>we</B> know? <chuckle>! <P>Sorry for the flippant remark - couldn't help seeing the humor in asking THAT question of us unhappy campers. <P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

2Sad,<P>Thanks so much for the chuckle! I know I don't have a clue!<P>

Thanks for the info. regarding the "drirene" website. I really enjoyed it and will sift thru the entire site!