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Joined: Aug 2000
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My husband of seven years announced 11 days ago that he has "fallen out of love" with me and that he had a one night fling. I was devastated and never saw it coming. I love my husband. After reading the columns and inititating conversation with my husband I have now found out that he is actually havign an affair. Its been going on for 2 months. He says he likes the way she makes him feel special and "doesn't think that he wants to end it". We are now starting the proceedings for seperation. I love my husband and despite what he has done I want to save my marriage. Is there hope and does anyone have any advice for me???
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Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 300
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Dear Mumu,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders, the folks here are great. They know how to care and offer support. I am not going to offer any advice since your situation and mine are very different. My W and I are not dealing with affairs, but a lack of not meeting each others emotional needs.<P>But, I would suggest that you post this thread under infidelity....general questions and just found out. If you post there, you will receive help and support. It's the weekend, so responses may be slower than during the week.<P>Hang in There!
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Joined: May 2000
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mumu:<BR><B>Is there hope and does anyone have any advice for me???</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm so sorry for your situation, Mumu. Yes, there is hope for your marriage. Many people here have gone through similar situations and recovered their marriages, and even strengthened them, through the Marriage Builder system. <P>Your husband is in what is referred to as the"fog" of an emotional affair right now. He is probably acting and talking in a manner that makes him unrecognizable from the man you married. You should take comfort in the fact that it is highly unlikely that the other woman (OW) will turn into a longterm mate for him. Affairs are born of deceit and lies, and rarely do the relationships last beyond a few months.<P>Obviously, you now realize there were problems with your marriage that turned your H outside in search of fulfilling his emotional needs (ENs). The road to recovery now calls for you to "Plan A" -- be the best spouse you can, and fulfill all the emotional needs that he will let you while he is in the "fog". See the article "What are Plan A and Plan B?" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>He will likely be combative, angry, and mean at times. Expect to hear things like he never loved you, that he is no longer in love....spouses in the fog can be very cruel as they channel their guilt into anger. <P>Your next goal should be a commitment from him to work on the marriage and break off ALL contact with the OW. Read the infideilty series of articles by Dr. Harley to learn about that process. Unfortunately, Mumu, that step may take awhile...in fact, the affair may have to die on its own, or your H may even move out for awhile before he gets there. <P>If you can summon the strength to Plan A effectively without lovebusters, it is vastly preferred that you not separate. You have much better opportunities to rebuild your love while you are together under the same roof. <P>I STRONGLY recommend that you invest $95 in a phone consultation with Steve or Jennifer Harley. They can help you launch an effective Plan A, and prepare you for the difficult months ahead.<P>Also, use this board to vent and seek support. There are a lot of people here who are ahead of you on the road, and can offer valuable advice and insight. You may want to post on the "Just Found Out" board, and read the "Welcome to New Builders" post by NSR. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>That post has links to many of the important articles here on the site.<P>Best Wishes,<P>Mike<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 12, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 12, 2000).]
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Joined: Nov 1999
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Hi Mumu,<P>First of all I am so sorry that you are going through this. There is a wealth of information here and lots of wise and caring people.<P>Well Mike covered a lot of territory there, pretty much everything. Do go to the links he suggested.<P>I know how much the things he is saying now hurt, but try to realize that the "fog" is a real phenomenon. A lot of people just don't remember later that they said those things.<P>Don't be in any hurry to separate. Drag your feet a bit and make him do all the work, make all the arrangements. <P>You might want to consider the counselling, I'm in Canada too so I know you're looking at 150 Canadian, but it might help you to get through this first period of shock. It hasn't even been 2 weeks so you need some time to think and recover your balance.<P>I highly recommend a journal, it will give you a safe outlet for all your thoughts and feelings. It helped me a lot.<P>By all means post again as frequently as you need to. Weekends are always a bit slow so you will probably get more replies if you post again on Monday.<P>Yes there is hope, it won't be easy or painless but there is hope.<P>Take care.
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Joined: May 2000
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Ditto everything above Mumu.<P>Would like to add just one more thing--get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.<BR>This is your step by step survival guide!<P>Do that first! Post and READ the other forums--you are SO not alone. We see this everyday! <P>{{{{{hugs}}}}}, Hon.<P>Leilana
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 6
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Tank you everyone for the kind words. They are really helping. My H came home last night (was gone all weekend) I told him that I thought it was too early to seperate - that I loved him and we should give it another try - he got impatient and told me that he really does not want to be with me. He wants to be with her and I should not think that he will get sick of her because that won't happen. Those words realy hurt! and makes me feel desperate. However we have agreed to right now stay in hte same home (my 14 year old step-son from my H. first marriage) is coming back tomorrow and I want him to feel safe. This whole arrangement though feels weird -
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by mumu:<BR><B>Those words realy hurt! and makes me feel desperate.</B><P>Remember, he is in the fog....think of it like an addict. Try not to let his words hurt, he truly is not in his right mind, so to speak. Read up on Plan A, and if you can afford it, do a quick phone consultation with Steve Harley ($95). That will get you started on the right track.<P>It is good that you stayed in the house. That is important.<P>Mike<BR>
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