my husband & I have been together for 7 1/2 years, we have been married for 5 yrs. When we first met, life was wonderful and fulfilling, just the 2 of us. Six months after we fell for each other, my husbands ex-wife deserted their children, ages 6 & 8. Naturally, the only solution was for them to live with us. Being 40 yrs. old and not previously been married, this was a tremendous adjustment for me. Actually, it is now, 7 yrs. later and I am still waiting for the adjustment period to end. This situation has slowly destroyed the romance and compatibility in our relationship. Since the children are not mine, he always has the last word on discipline and/or any other situations involving his children. We both have withdrawn from each other so much that I don't feel as though I am married, but instead living with a friend who has control over every situation. I recently finished, Give & Take, the Secret to Maritial Compatibility, and feel very strongly that we just might have come upon a solution to our deteriorating marriage. But, my husband is not real eager to follow someone elses guidelines to rebuild what we have lost. He believes that our problems should be solved ourselves, although neither one of us has any idea where to begin to resolve our conflict. I have asked him to read this book and try to become as excited as I am about the possibility of negotiating our needs and both of us being happy about the results without hurting ourselves. Do you think there is hope for this marriage? I have stayed with him for so long without feelings for him and vise versa that I have convinced myself (at my age) just to enjoy the material things he has been able to offer me and only give into his sexual advances if it becomes necessary to prevent an arguement. Am I wrong?

Dear Forgotten:<BR>It sounds to me that if both of you try together in the marriage then anything can be overcome. Why don't you sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. Take his hand and ask him to give you the platform to talk and express what is bothering you. A marriage is partnership and whatever or whoever comes into the marriage should be shared (for better or for worse). The problem here is that your husband is "not sharing" with you the responsibility of raising his children. You are secondary and that's not the way it should be. If there is a problem with the children, both of you should discuss it and both should have a role to play in it. The children will (if they hagven't already) will disregard anything you say because your husband has taken that power and put it upon himself. He has brought the children into the marriage. The marriage of you and him. The both of you should have the equal responsibility of discipline. Afterall, you live in that house also. The last word should come from him after discussing any issues involving the children. He should make it clear to them that he discussed it with you and the both of you decided on whatever the end result is. I think if he could do this, you would feel so much better and feel like a partner. Eventually, there would become a closeness because you and him would be making decisions together as a couple should. I hope this helps. The basics is bonding and you can't bond two people together who are at opposite ends.

Forgotten...boy have I lived this situation! Let me give you some background, I will try to keep it short and to the point. This is my 3rd marriage (1st was abusive, 2nd was alcoholic, 3rd time was a charm!!) and my H's 2nd. We have 5 children between us ages 20-12. 2 of my kids are from my 1st marriage and the 3rd is from my 2nd. We have none together - we were not looking to be the Brady Bunch!! While the kids were young (ages 7 - 6 mos) we adapted very nicely...I however was the heavy and my H was mr. nice guy...as they got older we started evening out. The hard part came when my D turned 15 and became a wild girl! My backgroung was abusive and I hated my parents, so I tried to be the kind of mother that my kids could turn to and depend on...I did not want my kids to hate me the way I hated mine. <P>Well as you would guess..they end up hating you anyway as most teenagers do...you are never right about anything!! Surprize!<P>My H and I started our downfall then. I started covering for my kids and they did not pay the consequences for their actions. As they got older and more disrespectful, my H started acting out the theory "what goes around comes around". He became angry and sarcastic with them and I was unable to convince anyone to stop...this began to unravel our relationship. <P>He felt that I never listened to him or respected his opinions and I felt like he was hurting my kids and that we should be an example. It finally came to a head and my A started. Wrong solution!!<P>I have learned that although the kids need to be a top priority, without a solid marriage you will all fall. I never really talked with my H about it because I was afraid..Of what I don't know. <P>He wanted to be an equal partner and I did all I could to keep him out because I knew my kids better than he did...my abuse clouded my reasoning and he had a much more objective view of my kids than I ever have.<P>He has now given me free reign over my kids and he will support me. Now I want to make him an equal partner. We are working on being open and honest about the kids without being defensive. I feel like as he bows to my decisions, I will trust myself more and feel like I can trust him, thus making me want him to be a part of the decision...where he rightly belongs...<P>kids are wonderful and can be a real source of stress...they are kids after all and will push the limit...you and your H need to provide a united front in order to keep the peace in the home...it is after all both of yours!!<P>It is important to tell him how you feel. Ask him what his thoughts are and what he is feeling. Encourage his decisions and don't let resentment set in..you will all lose then.<P>I will pray for all blended families facing this problem. You need each other for support. Do all you can to build that. Soon you will be alone and the kids will not care. Make your S your most avid supporter by being theirs.<P>These are just a few of the things I have learned...not bad for 40+...its nice to know we can still grow. <P>God bless you all...

kayta, thanks for your suggestions. When my husband returned from the sturgis bike rally, i told him about the great book i had read by dr. haley, give and take... he decided to read it. when he finished, i asked him what he thought of it and he said, well most of it is just common sense, but it did wake me up a little. I'm not sure exactly what he ment by that, but since he has read the book, he seems to be a little more understanding. In fact, he just called me from work and asked me if i wanted to go out of town for the weekend. just him and me. what a surprise....it will be our first weekend alone in 5 years...looking forward to it but am also a little anxious cause i question whether we will have enough to say to each other for 2 days. will let you know how it works out!!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>

hi starry-eyed, thanks for the reply to my situation. since my husband returned from sturgis, sd (the bike rally) i told him about the book i read by dr. haley, give and take... he decided to read it. his response was it is all common sense, but it did wake me up somewhat. Not too sure, what he ment, but he seems to be much more understanding of my feelings the past few days, and he even called me from work just now and asked if i wanted to go away for the weekend with him. that was a big surprise, we have not been away together alone in over 5 years. looking forward to it, but somewhat anxious. will let you know how it turns out!!!<P>------------------<BR>

Please let me know how your weekend went...sorry I did not follow up...I forget where I post sometimes!!