I know it is not the purpose of a councelor to decide who is right in any conflict but rather to help the couple learn how to resolve conflicts themselves. However, in this case I really need advise about which of us is right.<P>We are both in our middle fifties and were married 13 yrs ago. We both have grown children from previous marriages.<P>When we married x had a few thousand dollars in a 401K as job benefit. My job provided no retirement benefits. For the past 13 years x has contributed the max to the account & it is now worth a sizable amount.<P>Recently x transferred the 401K to an IRA mutual fund & named the son from a previous marriage as the beneficiary. If x preceeds me in death then all the funds will go th him leaving me probably without adequite retirement income. X says x saved the money and it is my problem that I have saved none. I have only about anothe 7 years to save for my retiremnent.<P>We have never had separate checking accounts, with all earnings going into the account and all bills paid from it. Since we both contributed to the mortgage, the groceries, etc., why then does the retirement not belong to us both? X owns half the equity in our house, Why don't I own half the retirement. I feel it was because I contributed heavely to our living expenses that allowed X to have enough left over to invest. Without my income whould X have been able to have built the account as big as it is? I have said all this to x but to no avail. If I had realized that X considered the savings to belong only to x I would have began my own plan which would have restricted the amount availabel for x.<P>As you have said, to resolve a conflict both must agree whole heartedly. Reason must prevail but how when we both believe the other is unreasonable. Can someone tell us for us both to see right here just what is reasonable.

I would suggest a consultation w/an attorney well versed in estate/financial planning. You may have a marital interest anyway in his retirement--depends on how it reads. Or, you may be able to negotiate other stipulations (deed the house to you, other ins. policies w/you as the beneficiary, etc.). <P>This is obviously a "hot" topic between you. He's defensively reacting to your approaches and refusing to budge. His comments then put YOUR back up, and the cycle continues. Step back a little from the confrontation and stay calm. He may think he's provided for you more than adequately and now in fatherly concern he's named his son on the retirement. <P>Your feelings and concerns are BOTH valid, and you'll probably have more success in approaching discussions about it that way (acknowledging caringly). <P>A difference of opinion and way of handling a decision has arisen. Try to adopt the POJA with your H. I truly feel ALL decisions should be mutually agreed upon for a married couples, but sometimes negotiating through can be tricky! Have you ever noticed it seems when one or the other in a relationship makes an important decision w/out the other agreeing and feeling a PART of it, THAT's when trouble starts? <P>It also sounds like your H is a very proud man. And decisive. Think you'll have more success w/a honey technique? (He would have had better success too, if he'd remembered that, ha...but this is the point where you're hopefully beginning again on THIS negotiation.)<P>You want him to see your side (how you feel you contributed more to the household, thus have a "vested interest" in his retirement acct). Ok, now...the key here is to make sure he understands you see his side too (he's a great dad, a devoted H who IS providing for you now and in the future, and other things revolving around this issue). It's sometimes easier then for a spouse to generously admit return compliments (maybe how you've managed the budget so well and contributed more of your own earnings to day-to-day living expenses). Keep the setting comfortable by not arguing; stay in comfortable discussion mode! Tough...I know....but you CAN do this.<P>That's why I think a financial planning attorney can help. It would be wonderful if you suggest and your H agrees. I think a lot will depend on your approach w/this. You could tell him you'd like to understand such complicated technicalities better, and would appreciate his help, and that of an attorney. If you BOTH go, both your interests will be explored in the consultation. So I think you'll have more success appealing to him in a confiding sort of way, not that you have your own interests you're trying to solely protect. Know what I mean? <P>I hope you work it out. Let us know what happens.<P>Laura

Rather than battle over this why not get a term life insurance policy in the same dollar amount so that you are protected, understanding that Social Security benefits can be claimed after 10 years of marriage, that he has a desire to leave his son a piece of himself, etc. I too have children from another marriage as does my husband. His life insurance policy is divided equally between us, but the dollar amount leaves me in a lurch if something happens to him. We got another policy to ocver the gap. I also own property which I want to leave to the children I gave birth to, so we got an insurance policy to cover any incidentals beyond that property value. I love my husband but I also love my children.<P>Hope that helps.