My wife and I have been married for 12 years now. We had our first child (boy)6 years ago and our 2nd (girl) 2-1/2 years ago, even though I made it clear that I never wanted kids. I gave in because I was afraid of losing her.<BR>All thru those years I was not a husband at all to her, I made her feel like she was just along for the ride. The most important thing to me was being with friends, and she was almost always there with us doing whatever we were doing. Not until recently did she tell me that that was the only way she could be close to me so she didn't complain. <BR>In 1998 after coming home from a week-long backpacking trip with friends (once a year) she told me "we got along fine without you". That woke me up to how bad things really were and after that I tried harder and harder to be the husband and father I should have been. <BR>But in April of 1999 it happened. I was away for a 3day weekend with our son on a camping trip (I thought I would be doing good getting him out of her hair so she could spend time with our daughter alone)but we came home a day early. We pulled in about 10pm when I saw a strange truck in the driveway. I had a feeling something was going on or was going to happen (Men's intuition?), that's part of the reason we left a day early. <BR>I opened the front door quietly and saw them dash for cover. She says that nothing happened (she was naked, he only had his shirt off as far as I know), that they had already decided it was wrong and didn't go thru with it.<BR>Well, it took me a long time to get over that visual, but the pain (emotional only) we were inflicting on each other grew and I had a new weapon to use against her. And boy did I use it. Only by reading Dr.Harley's page did I finally realize what I was doing to her. <BR>In March of this year we decided it would be good if I moved out for a bit to let our anger subside (by this time we were seeing a Psychologist). But being away from my kids was killing me, I just couldn't handle it. I kept thinking suicide was the only way to kill my pain. <BR>Then one night around midnight when I was bored I decided to drive up to the house to see if anything was going on. When I got there I saw a jeep in the driveway but this time it wasn't strange, I knew who it was this time (not the same man). I kept a clear head, thinking OK, he's just a friend, they are just talking (both times have been co-workers of hers). But, as I feared, it kept escalating. He took his shirt off, she sat on his back and gave him a backrub. Then off came her shirt and the rest is history. The bad thing is, I watched the whole thing from a window!<BR>About 6 weeks ago she let me move back in one day before our son's birthday.<BR>Now my problem. Everytime she gets mad at me and yells at me it brings up the past memories/visuals that I have in my head. Even though I don't use that weapon against her anymore I can't get it out of my mind. <BR>Last night's fight started when I said "what ever happened getting these kids to bed early?" She yelled at me saying "if I had some help" while during this time I had cleaned up the dinner dishes, picked up all the dirty clothes and cups around the house, picked up my dirty work laundry, etc. never once going anywhere near the computer which she hates so much (unless SHE needs it for something of course).<BR>It seems to me that no matter how much I do it's never enough. And all through this time I am trying to be patient with her, knowing that her job is very stressful, remembering how I neglected her, and that our kids are a quite a handful. <BR>I am at wits end. As far as I'm concerned I dont have any real choices in the matter. We divorce, I don't get to see my kids everyday. We stay together which means me kissing her [censored] and only being a shell of a man and living in pure hell, or just commit suicide. <BR>Why doesn't our legal system give men and women equal treatment? I love my kids more than life itself, so why do I have to lose? I can do anything she can do and more! <BR>I can't take the pain anymore!

DestroyedHeart: So sorry for your dilema. Your post makes your pain very clear. You are doing the right thing to hang in there, things can improve. <P>You should visit the Infidelity section in General Questions, there are a lot of people over there who can help you and have similar situations. <P>Take care.

From one heart to another,<BR>You've described some very painful moments. It will be hard to put that hurt behind you and I wish you all the best. My marriage doesn't have infidelity. It's more of an emotional wasteland. It appears your W has given you a clue though that you can investigate further. You gave a laundry list of things you did to help your W and yet she still complained about not having help. There may be something specific that she wants and your efforts are not fulfilling her need. One thing my H does that drives me nuts is a lack of offers. "What can I do to help" would be music to my ears. On the rare occasions (he'd disagree about the "rare" part) that I get help from him, it's based on what he decides he wants to do for me. It's not based on what I desire from him. What I want and what he thinks I want are consistently two different things. Best of luck. Learn about Plan A and read it until you understand that being a doormat is not what Plan A is about (even though you'll probably feel like one along the way).

Please don't take your life.Its not worth it.<BR>Your kids need you.Your there teacher and God has only loaned them to you.Your only way through this is to turn this over to God.Once you realy start asking for your needs and not your wants he will give them to you.Your kids are your needs.But your wife is your want.My brother was in this same situration and I begged him to move ahead and He would find the right women. He knew with out his son having him around that his son would die whole hearted.He said one day to me.Im glade I took your advice.He started going to church and letting go of his so called friends and that ment growing up .You see if you are the better person in this relationship then your going to shine on.<BR>That means giving your children a better future.You need to remember one thing you said.That you love your kids more then life it self.Then realize without you there for them,Whos gonna love them and be there for them.Your little boy looks up to you as this strong man.Your little girl thinks the world of you,she knows daddy is strong.But think about it.You would never see you kids again if you took your life.God dosent do mean things to you.It's the deval and don't let him destroy your life.I promise you,God will see you through this hurt and pain.Go to the nearest church or if you have one,They have people there that will help you through this.By all means go talk to someone close to you,Like a parent or a sister.Please think of your kids.I will pray whole hartedly for you and your family.God bless you and please take care.

My children are the same ages as yours, and the same sex. I have been the neglected wife just like yours. I think that an issue here might be that when people realize their errors, they want to apologize and have it over with. That is completely understood. Who wants to remember that they were wrong? The problem is that although you have realized what you have done wrong, and are trying to make up for it, she is suffering from years and years of feeling like she means nothing to you, that she is just the wife. All of those years of little hurts and big hurts cannot be erased quickly. I know that it has been about 2 years since you have realized the things you did wrong, but have you sat her down and said these are the things I did wrong. I did them for these reasons. I never meant to intentionally hurt you. I love you. These are the things that I am going to promise you from now on. If you need something more than what I have said tell me. I want to be your husband, I want to be with my children. If I could do it all over again I would have never.... All of those things are music to my ears. It may not be something she believes the first few times. Tell her again and again and again. It is worth it for you because not only will you feel better for getting things off your chest but you may end up with a better marriage for it. She is reaching out for something, why don't you try to make sure that it is you that is ready and willing to meet her needs. Be kind to her, love her, have patience with her. Don't hurt yourself, that would only serve to hurt your children and your wife more.

Please do not even consider taking your<BR>life. Nobody is worth that. I am surprised<BR>that you just watched as your wife begin<BR>to have sex with another man in your house.<BR>Why did you not go in immediately and stop<BR>it. It seems so weird that you would just<BR>watch. I think you need to tell her everything you saw. Honesty is the only<BR>policy that leads to open communication.<BR>Good luck