Don't know where you are at spiritually, but this verse helped me to make some decisions yesterday.<P>PR 22:3 A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge,<BR> but the simple keep going and suffer for it.<P>Praying for wisdom for you. Can you not see how fear is gripping you in all of this? We weren't meant to live like this.

Recognize danger and avoid it.<P>Pack as much stuff as you can when you go home and don't go back. If he's going to counseling under protest, he won't get much out of it. He has to WANT to change. He needs help and you should not risk your life waiting for him to get it. <P>Seek safety.<BR>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

When I got home tonight, I found a note from him. I had overlooked it at lunch because I was so frantic.<P>He swore his undying love and begged me not to leave him. He apologized for scaring me even for hurting me or my feelings. He promised to do anything I wanted to change if I would just stay with him. He said he couldn't go on living with the thought that he had driven me away by being so awful.<P>Now I'm really confused. I've kind of hardened my heart in the past few days reviewing all of his vile, selfish demands and tantrums of the past 7 years, then he floors me with this plaintive letter. I don't know what to do.<P>I feel the dark walls of depression closing around me. I've struggled with the "Beast" since I was 12. The only relief I've had from depression has been since I've been with him. After my last suicide attempt, 8 years ago, my doctor gave me Prozac, but that triggered a manic episode. The Dr. said I have a chemical imbalance. I was on lithium, but that only made me feel numb. I've been off meds for 5 years now, and feeling OK most of the time. God help me if the Beast comes for me now. I'll wind up going to bed for 3 months. <P>Is he trying plan A? He's been playing the role of the betrayed spouse for 4 years now. Only I never betrayed him. The old BF was 2 years before we were ever married!<P>IF I stay, will he stay this nice? He's done this before, but not to this extreme. Then the other shoe drops. IF I go, I'm all alone in the world. If I stay, I may end up leaving later, when I'm too old to remarry and adopt. <P>I really was going to leave tonight, while he was still at work. Then the note. I guess I'll test him. If he can stay nice in the face of my disdain, I'll believe it. If he snaps, I'm outta here.

When I got home tonight, I found a note from him. I had overlooked it at lunch because I was so frantic.<P>He swore his undying love and begged me not to leave him. He apologized for scaring me even for hurting me or my feelings. He promised to do anything I wanted to change if I would just stay with him. He said he couldn't go on living with the thought that he had driven me away by being so awful.<P>Now I'm really confused. I've kind of hardened my heart in the past few days reviewing all of his vile, selfish demands and tantrums of the past 7 years, then he floors me with this plaintive letter. I don't know what to do.<P>I feel the dark walls of depression closing around me. I've struggled with the "Beast" since I was 12. The only relief I've had from depression has been since I've been with him. After my last suicide attempt, 8 years ago, my doctor gave me Prozac, but that triggered a manic episode. The Dr. said I have a chemical imbalance. I was on lithium, but that only made me feel numb. I've been off meds for 5 years now, and feeling OK most of the time. God help me if the Beast comes for me now. I'll wind up going to bed for 3 months. <P>Is he trying plan A? He's been playing the role of the betrayed spouse for 4 years now. Only I never betrayed him. The old BF was 2 years before we were ever married!<P>IF I stay, will he stay this nice? He's done this before, but not to this extreme. Then the other shoe drops. IF I go, I'm all alone in the world. If I stay, I may end up leaving later, when I'm too old to remarry and adopt. <P>I really was going to leave tonight, while he was still at work. Then the note. I guess I'll test him. If he can stay nice in the face of my disdain, I'll believe it. If he snaps, I'm outta here.

Praying for you today. How are you doing? I still wished you had left and had counseling while apart to work towards the reconcilliation of your marriage. There are too many tel-tale signs that you are living in fear and that isn't what a marriage is about. Are you safe?

Thanks, SueB. I'm OK. I've been praying a lot too, asking God to give me an answer. Should I stay or should I go? I know the Bible has lots to say about a wife standing by her husband. <BR>He's been really good since he gave me the note. I swear he's trying "Plan A" even though he has no idea what that is. <BR> I wrote him a letter while I was out of town, and I typed it up today and added a little to it. Basically, it tells him that my heart is broken and I don't know if he can ever heal it again. It says I've been living in fear of his anger and paranoia and jealously for so long, there no love left in my "Love Account." It details all of his major offenses over the past few years, (I've referenced them in above posts) and tells him that I may never be able to forgive him, and if I do, that I'll probably never return to loving him like I once did.<BR> I'm debating whether I should give it to him. Strangely, I don't think that will elicit a violent response. I think it just might break his heart. <BR> I don't know if this marriage can be saved, or if I want to put the effort into the attempt. The fire has been dying under his constant suspicion and accusations of infidelity, and this last blowout literally "blew out" the last embers. Now I only taste ashes in my mouth.<BR> Don't worry. I'll be okay one way or another. I've been through more in 33 years than most people see in 10 lifetimes. I've learned how to survive.

Checking on you. Are you still safe? Did you give him the letter? Praying for you.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

Mourning,<BR>I have read your post with interest and have some comments. Both of my ex-OW were getting out of violent, abusive marriages. Both said the violence kept getting incrementally worse as time went on until each felt they had no other choice. They feared for their life. Both say it was the most difficult thing they had to do, but are glad they finally did it. I see the writing on the wall for you, and I'm not very hopeful that you can turn your marriage around, unless your husband is 100% willing to get into heavy-duty counseling for his rage and insecurity.<BR>This next subject is close to my heart. I'm adopted. At age four I was removed from alcoholic, abusive parents. At age 40, I'm still dealing with childhood issues from long ago. Please, please, please, no matter how much you want a child, don't bring a child into a home where violence like you have described occurs. The long-term effects of violence can scar a person for life.<BR>I wish you well. You sound like a fantastic person who has brains and knows how to operate in a tough environment. At this point in your marriage, think with your head, not with your heart. Perhaps later on you can bring your heart back into your decision-making processes.<BR>I will watch to see how you progress.<P>Rockaway

!<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]

You have been through sooooo much. You need to leave. You have to realize that you are in danger. Is this the way you really want to live? In fear? You need to be alone and to work on your abusive past, to change the cycle and work on loving yourself. You don't need this - and once you are away you will realize how wrong this is for you. <BR>You said that he gave the gun to his cousin - if I were you I would go to that cousins and get rid of it completely. Whats stopping him from going to get it, and if you didn't actually see him bring it there - how do you really know if he did. Make sure its disposed of immediately. <BR>Please go to a counselour on your own - maybe to a group of other people who are in your situation. It is so hard to leave when you are right in it - but if you can't do it for you - do it for your friends and dogs at least. I am sure there are alot of people around that really care about you and don't want to loose you. <BR>This is not what love is, you deserve more, you deserve to be truly loved.

I am so worried for you Mourning. I am starting to see the pattern that I've fallen into. He hasn't blown up in a while, he's professing his undying love, he's making an effort at counseling, etc.<P>Problem is, no matter if he goes 2 or 10 years without hitting me again, I always have to wonder if something I say will push his buttons and make him blow up again.<P>Recently he threatened to hurt one of my animals if I didn't tell him something he wanted me to tell him. He was getting infuriated because his showing of 'power' or whatever he wants to think of it as was not affecting me in the way it has in the past (I was so livid I was NOT going to give in!!)<P>I'm not in much of a position to give advice, I'm not doing so well at following my own. But I would suggest to you what I would like for myself -- separation until the problems have been addressed!! The violence has GOT to stop! The threats and intimidation, the verbal abuse, all of it! I have not been as strong as I feel I should be, because I do have children and I'm scared to death of losing them in a custody battle, as I have the emotional scars of an abusive childhood as well. I've been in a severe depression for some time, and I can't remember when I was NOT depressed, even as a child. I yell at my kids too much, and feel like a monster afterwards. At least *I* can say I'm trying to get help -- yet another counselor/class on my busy schedule to deal with children not listening! =)<P>You have to do what you think is best, but don't let fear of what might happen if you leave outweigh fear of what might happen if you don't.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mourning (edited November 14, 2000).]