Whenever I have a disagreement with my boyfriend that I tend to become very hurt and angry, he refuses to speak to me for days. After about 4-5 days, I feel so broken and I start begging for forgiveness. He in turn, will wait a few more days to speak w/ me and by then I am weaker and feel totally powerless. Is he doing this on purpose? Is this some sort of behavior that has an agenda behind it? Is this his way of gaining control over me. I admit, I am a very strong women, but this almost makes me feel like a untamed horse that is being tamed. It feels somewhat abusive to me. Is it? Any suggestions or comments or similar experiences you share would be appreciated. Thanks!

Butterfly1<BR>Sure, silence can be a very effective control tool in a relationship, and it looks like boyfriend has got your number. It is a passive/aggresive technique which is effective because we all tend to want to communicate in order to solve our problem but if the other person doesn't communicate then it leaves you feeling helpless and at their mercy.<BR>The problem is that the issue(s) is still there and eventually it has to be delt with.<BR>Perhaps you can communicate with your boyfriend that your preferred method to clearing up conflict is to constructively dialogue a mutual solution instead of receiving the silent treatment. Perhaps you might communicate that you want to move on to a more mature relationship with him where both of you are willing to conduct your communication on a more adult level.<BR>If he is not willing to stop his particular method of non-communication perhaps you should drop him and move on to someone who is willing to treat you and your relationship with the respect you deserve.<BR>That's my two-cents worth.<BR>Rockaway

He is obviously doing this on purpose, and its because he knows what kind of reaction he gets from it. It is very immature and he will continue to do it until you stop giving the kind of reaction you have been giving him…begging for forgiveness( when I am sure at times he should be the one asking for forgiveness.)<BR>My husband used to be great at the silent treatment. I now see at looking at his mother - that is what she does when she gets mad at him - it is soooo immature!Its b/c they don't know how to deal with their problems I used to be the total opposite type of person who would have to talk about everything right away, couldn't wait and we both had two very different ways of dealing with a conflict. So I started to realize that he is being just like a child who holds their breath - if you run up to that child and get all upset over them holding their breath then they will continue to do it b/c they know it will result in attention.<BR>So I tried a new solution which worked, I looked at this behaviour as being childish, if we had a conflict and I had to apologize for something I would do it and tell him "if you want to discuss it any further please let me know, if not I will assume this problem is resolved". He would then start his little silent treatment, I would leave him alone for the first half of a day to stew, and then I would go on as if everything was great. I did not let him see that it bothered me in any way that he was silent. I would do things like go stretch out on the couch and say "ahhh, I love coming home from work to just complete and total silence, it is soooo nice" He at first would stomp off and I would show no reaction but a smile. Or I would start a conversation (which would be one sided b/c he wasn't talking) and just keep on talking making it seem as if I liked this - I liked the fact that he was silent b/c all he could do is listen. <BR>When a friend would call him I would say "oh can I help you, he doesn't seem to be able to talk, you may want to call back in a couple of days when he gets his voice back, maybe it's a virus or something, can I take a message?" Or at the dinner table with the kids I would say "guess what I saw today girls, there was this guy and he got attacked by a cat and the cat ran away with his tongue!" They would say "REALLY?" I would say "Ya, do you think that's what could of happened to your dad?" I would get a smirk from him and would finally break his silence. Over time he cut his silent treatment time down and actually I sometimes wish that he was silent again.<BR>How were conflicts handled with him as a child - I bet any money this is the way they solved their problems when he was younger. It is hard b/c they have no conflict communication tools. <BR>Whatever you do - don't beg for his forgiveness to break his silence - say your say and then drop it and go on as if nothing is wrong - it will be hard to do it at first but in time you will realize that he is being very immature and his behaviour is actually amusing. <BR>Good luck, keep posting to let us know if things improve.<P>

Thanks for your input. I really like the way you handle things. Actually, I finally got him to respond to a few of my emails and I did act as though I was not mad and everything is alright. You can tell though that he is being very general and careful about his responses (nothing special. I wonder if he realizes how much he has screwed up this time? BUT, in time, there is a talk I will need to have with him. This behavior is not only childish, but damaging to the relationship. We have always been very close and this has only happened 2x in the 1 year that we have been together. I will keep you posted..our anniversay date is October 9th, so it will be interesting to see how he acts between now and then. I believe this does have something to do w/ his childhood. He was very close to his mother and she died when he was young. He was never really close to his father. Then, he experienced another death that devastated him - his 23 month old daughter died - that was about 20 years ago. Well, we will see what happens and where this goes. Thanks again!!<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fed up:<BR><B>He is obviously doing this on purpose, and its because he knows what kind of reaction he gets from it. It is very immature and he will continue to do it until you stop giving the kind of reaction you have been giving him…begging for forgiveness( when I am sure at times he should be the one asking for forgiveness.)<BR>My husband used to be great at the silent treatment. I now see at looking at his mother - that is what she does when she gets mad at him - it is soooo immature!Its b/c they don't know how to deal with their problems I used to be the total opposite type of person who would have to talk about everything right away, couldn't wait and we both had two very different ways of dealing with a conflict. So I started to realize that he is being just like a child who holds their breath - if you run up to that child and get all upset over them holding their breath then they will continue to do it b/c they know it will result in attention.<BR>So I tried a new solution which worked, I looked at this behaviour as being childish, if we had a conflict and I had to apologize for something I would do it and tell him "if you want to discuss it any further please let me know, if not I will assume this problem is resolved". He would then start his little silent treatment, I would leave him alone for the first half of a day to stew, and then I would go on as if everything was great. I did not let him see that it bothered me in any way that he was silent. I would do things like go stretch out on the couch and say "ahhh, I love coming home from work to just complete and total silence, it is soooo nice" He at first would stomp off and I would show no reaction but a smile. Or I would start a conversation (which would be one sided b/c he wasn't talking) and just keep on talking making it seem as if I liked this - I liked the fact that he was silent b/c all he could do is listen. <BR>When a friend would call him I would say "oh can I help you, he doesn't seem to be able to talk, you may want to call back in a couple of days when he gets his voice back, maybe it's a virus or something, can I take a message?" Or at the dinner table with the kids I would say "guess what I saw today girls, there was this guy and he got attacked by a cat and the cat ran away with his tongue!" They would say "REALLY?" I would say "Ya, do you think that's what could of happened to your dad?" I would get a smirk from him and would finally break his silence. Over time he cut his silent treatment time down and actually I sometimes wish that he was silent again.<BR>How were conflicts handled with him as a child - I bet any money this is the way they solved their problems when he was younger. It is hard b/c they have no conflict communication tools. <BR>Whatever you do - don't beg for his forgiveness to break his silence - say your say and then drop it and go on as if nothing is wrong - it will be hard to do it at first but in time you will realize that he is being very immature and his behaviour is actually amusing. <BR>Good luck, keep posting to let us know if things improve.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks - I agree with you totally. I do intend on using your words (if I may) to express to him that I want us to conduct this relationship on a more mature level - my God he is 49 and I am 36 years old - this is crazy!! He did respond recently to a few emails of his choice, but the response was nice, but general and careful. I think he knows that he crossed a few too many lines this time with me. (there are some things I did not include in my original message - just really bad judgment and behavior that totally shocked me). This has only happened 2x in the 1 year relationship, so it has not happened often, thank God. I should not have to tolerate this, especially when I treat him like a king (maybe that has something to do w/ this?)I will keep you posted. Thanks again!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rockaway:<BR><B>Butterfly1<BR>Sure, silence can be a very effective control tool in a relationship, and it looks like boyfriend has got your number. It is a passive/aggresive technique which is effective because we all tend to want to communicate in order to solve our problem but if the other person doesn't communicate then it leaves you feeling helpless and at their mercy.<BR>The problem is that the issue(s) is still there and eventually it has to be delt with.<BR>Perhaps you can communicate with your boyfriend that your preferred method to clearing up conflict is to constructively dialogue a mutual solution instead of receiving the silent treatment. Perhaps you might communicate that you want to move on to a more mature relationship with him where both of you are willing to conduct your communication on a more adult level.<BR>If he is not willing to stop his particular method of non-communication perhaps you should drop him and move on to someone who is willing to treat you and your relationship with the respect you deserve.<BR>That's my two-cents worth.<BR>Rockaway </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>