Whenever I have a disagreement with my boyfriend that I tend to become very hurt and angry, he refuses to speak to me for days. After about 4-5 days, I feel so broken and I start begging for forgiveness. He in turn, will wait a few more days to speak w/ me and by then I am weaker and feel totally powerless. Is he doing this on purpose? Is this some sort of behavior that has an agenda behind it? Is this his way of gaining control over me. I admit, I am a very strong women, but this almost makes me feel like a untamed horse that is being tamed. It feels somewhat abusive to me. Is it? Any suggestions or comments or similar experiences you share would be appreciated. Thanks!

This sounds like what my father-in-law does whenever he gets mad. I don't think he has ever talked out a disagreement with anybody which, in my opinion, is sad.<P>I feel this is a controlling behavior. If he refuses to talk to you he is manipulating you into begging his forgiveness even if he is the one in the wrong. I've been there with an exboyfriend. It wrecked my self esteem when I knew I was right but wanted to be with him so badly that I let him get away with his behavior. Hence he is my EX boyfriend <P>If this the way you want to deal with conflict? If it isn't I would take a hard look at the relationship.<P>I hope this helps and you don't feel like you are the only one out there. <P>Jodi

I appreciate your input. Yes, I believe it is controlling. I don't like how it makes me feel weak, when I am actually a very strong person. I will not allow this behavior to continue. Next time we talk, we will....talk. Thanks!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JodiC:<BR><B>This sounds like what my father-in-law does whenever he gets mad. I don't think he has ever talked out a disagreement with anybody which, in my opinion, is sad.<P>I feel this is a controlling behavior. If he refuses to talk to you he is manipulating you into begging his forgiveness even if he is the one in the wrong. I've been there with an exboyfriend. It wrecked my self esteem when I knew I was right but wanted to be with him so badly that I let him get away with his behavior. Hence he is my EX boyfriend <P>If this the way you want to deal with conflict? If it isn't I would take a hard look at the relationship.<P>I hope this helps and you don't feel like you are the only one out there. <P>Jodi</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear Butterfly<BR>Confront it now. We didn't have enough conflict in our dating for me to notice. In marriage, she withdrew from any disagreement and did not voice objections and alternative preferences adequately. She resented the differences and I grew to resent that she refused to talk. Each has the right to their own values and ideas and the right to not be "rolled" by the other, either by the pressure of speech or the pressure of SILENCE! Get this worked on NOW, or walk away while you can. We are trying to rebuild something after nearly 30 years of serious mismatch on commmunication mismatch/not allowing differences mismatch.<BR>But don't call it abuse. This is a WAY overused popular psycho-babble word. Talk about abuse when there are bruises, not before. There are many bad things that are not abuse, and they deserve a bit harder work to define them, rather than this catch all term. I was called emotionally abusive when she was the one who broke chairs! No, we are not seeing that therapist anymore. It was a needlessly painful way to tell me that my behavior needed to change, but she got a "bye."<BR>Good luck in addressing this...<BR>R

Thanks for your input. I have a question though..how do I confront it when he won't speak to me? Obviously, I have to wait until he contacts me OR say "forget this" and move forward. This is the 2nd time this has happened in our relationship of 1 year. But I can tell you..this time around, the longer he waits to speak w/ me the more I am starting to lose interest all together. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by roger:<BR><B>Dear Butterfly<BR>Confront it now. We didn't have enough conflict in our dating for me to notice. In marriage, she withdrew from any disagreement and did not voice objections and alternative preferences adequately. She resented the differences and I grew to resent that she refused to talk. Each has the right to their own values and ideas and the right to not be "rolled" by the other, either by the pressure of speech or the pressure of SILENCE! Get this worked on NOW, or walk away while you can. We are trying to rebuild something after nearly 30 years of serious mismatch on commmunication mismatch/not allowing differences mismatch.<BR>But don't call it abuse. This is a WAY overused popular psycho-babble word. Talk about abuse when there are bruises, not before. There are many bad things that are not abuse, and they deserve a bit harder work to define them, rather than this catch all term. I was called emotionally abusive when she was the one who broke chairs! No, we are not seeing that therapist anymore. It was a needlessly painful way to tell me that my behavior needed to change, but she got a "bye."<BR>Good luck in addressing this...<BR>R</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear ButterFly<BR>I am starting to understand that my W had arrested emotional development relating to her dad's death when she was 12. She withdrew and furiously read books in response to that tragedy. So she learned silence. And she is coming out of it, because she has commitment to our marriage, though she can't exactly come out and say it. How I wish she could, though.<BR>Your situation is different. Sounds like he is immature and pouting. Be very level headed. You may not even want to confront his silence since he will probably reward your effort with more of the same. You care about him, but you are not married, and it would be good if you have not extended intimacies. Suck it up and do without him. It is far easier now than after marriage. All of us on these boards are doing very difficult work trying to re-thread the needle in the dark, it seems. Surely you are strong enough to try this. Remember, you are a good person, and you deserve to have a mate, both before and after marriage who can talk easily with you about many, many issues, including those that all couples find somewhat difficult. Dating and marriage should be fun. Don't be afraid to run away when such an item of central importance is obviously faulty.<BR>Wish I had better news. At the least, you need to be very cautious.<BR>To me, his response suggests pathology and/or significant immaturity.<BR>Good luck.<BR>Post again in three weeks. I want to know how he responds when you ARE NOT pursuing him.<BR>R

Sounds like he's found an effective way to punish you for disagreeing with him that also allows him to remain uncommunicative. Confronting someone like that can be difficult, but if you allow it to continue, he'll never stop. The simple truth is that he's doing what he feels like doing and you're letting him. There's no reason for him to stop as long as he's getting his own way. Before I married, I dated women with habits that drove me crazy, one in particular would just start berating me instantly when she started losing an argument - it turned from a discussion into personal attack until I stopped discussing the issue and started defending myself - and that was what she wanted. I put a stop to it, but at the cost of the relationship - she had simply been successful with that tactic for so long that she saw no reason to change. I would really recommend talking to a trained, licensed, therapist (not your local pastor, no slight to the clergy intended)by yourself, before proceeding. You need to learn some healthy ways to address these dysfunctional silences, he never will.<P>Good Luck<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Butterfly1:<BR><B>Whenever I have a disagreement with my boyfriend that I tend to become very hurt and angry, he refuses to speak to me for days. After about 4-5 days, I feel so broken and I start begging for forgiveness. He in turn, will wait a few more days to speak w/ me and by then I am weaker and feel totally powerless. Is he doing this on purpose? Is this some sort of behavior that has an agenda behind it? Is this his way of gaining control over me. I admit, I am a very strong women, but this almost makes me feel like a untamed horse that is being tamed. It feels somewhat abusive to me. Is it? Any suggestions or comments or similar experiences you share would be appreciated. Thanks!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks so much for your response. I needed to hear these because this is one of those "bad" days for me. I cannot contact him anyway, because he has cut me off in every avenue. He even changed his cell phone number, which he did the other time this happened. I emailed him at work and he said that if I continued, he would report me to my employer (his is an attorney,I am a paralegal), mind you, I only sent 1 email and there was NOTHING threatening or harassing in it. (He just does this for control and scare tactics, if he really wanted to end it, trust me, he would verbally say so). The bad thing is, he could really screw me up or my job if he wanted to. I have never seen this side of him this bad. Like I said, this happened only 1 other time in 1 year, so it's very tramatic for me. I am thinking of throwing in the towel all together. This is emotionally tramatizing to me. I am afraid to do anything else. I am really fearful.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Woody:<BR><B>Sounds like he's found an effective way to punish you for disagreeing with him that also allows him to remain uncommunicative. Confronting someone like that can be difficult, but if you allow it to continue, he'll never stop. The simple truth is that he's doing what he feels like doing and you're letting him. There's no reason for him to stop as long as he's getting his own way. Before I married, I dated women with habits that drove me crazy, one in particular would just start berating me instantly when she started losing an argument - it turned from a discussion into personal attack until I stopped discussing the issue and started defending myself - and that was what she wanted. I put a stop to it, but at the cost of the relationship - she had simply been successful with that tactic for so long that she saw no reason to change. I would really recommend talking to a trained, licensed, therapist (not your local pastor, no slight to the clergy intended)by yourself, before proceeding. You need to learn some healthy ways to address these dysfunctional silences, he never will.<P>Good Luck<P> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks again for your input. I will let you know in a couple of weeks. To respond to one of your comments - no, we are not "extending intimacies". Thank God. We both decided that even though we are adults (he's 49 - I'm 36) we both believe that should wait until marriage or it causes problems. It is very hard to restrain, but we've done good so far. Who knows where this is going now..I will respond back in a couple of weeks. Thanks.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by roger:<BR><B>Dear ButterFly<BR>I am starting to understand that my W had arrested emotional development relating to her dad's death when she was 12. She withdrew and furiously read books in response to that tragedy. So she learned silence. And she is coming out of it, because she has commitment to our marriage, though she can't exactly come out and say it. How I wish she could, though.<BR>Your situation is different. Sounds like he is immature and pouting. Be very level headed. You may not even want to confront his silence since he will probably reward your effort with more of the same. You care about him, but you are not married, and it would be good if you have not extended intimacies. Suck it up and do without him. It is far easier now than after marriage. All of us on these boards are doing very difficult work trying to re-thread the needle in the dark, it seems. Surely you are strong enough to try this. Remember, you are a good person, and you deserve to have a mate, both before and after marriage who can talk easily with you about many, many issues, including those that all couples find somewhat difficult. Dating and marriage should be fun. Don't be afraid to run away when such an item of central importance is obviously faulty.<BR>Wish I had better news. At the least, you need to be very cautious.<BR>To me, his response suggests pathology and/or significant immaturity.<BR>Good luck.<BR>Post again in three weeks. I want to know how he responds when you ARE NOT pursuing him.<BR>R</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Get out of the relationship NOW. My ex-husband used this tactic on me for 14 years. It will never change and your confidence and self esteem will be shattered.

It sounds to me that he uses this to dominate you. You said he could really screw up your job. Those two together are poison. I will put up with a LOT of crap from a man, but messing with my career is off-limits. That is my one pride in life. Give him a taste of his own silence. He'll contact you if his heart is really in this relationship. IF he doesn't, it never was, and you're better off. Believe me, you're better off learning he's a jerk now than after the wedding vows. Men are usually on their best behavior before they marry you. IF he's bad now, what will he be like in 5 years?<BR>Get an answering machine, and when he does try to contact you, let him fail to make contact the first couple of times. Once he feels his own sting, he might rethink his strategy!

I was initially under the impression that you two were living together, but I guess I was just assuming. If he's doing what you say, it sounds like he really wants out. If he does things like this and then comes back, I'd suggest that his behavior is bi-polar and I repeat my suggestion that YOU talk to a therapist just to get straight in your own mind what you want and what this relationship is doing for you. I had fun in some of the rollercoaster-type relationships in my life, but after a while they will damage you emotionally. You must consider that it could be time to just say goodbye. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Butterfly1:<BR><B>Thanks so much for your response. I needed to hear these because this is one of those "bad" days for me. I cannot contact him anyway, because he has cut me off in every avenue. He even changed his cell phone number, which he did the other time this happened. I emailed him at work and he said that if I continued, he would report me to my employer (his is an attorney,I am a paralegal), mind you, I only sent 1 email and there was NOTHING threatening or harassing in it. (He just does this for control and scare tactics, if he really wanted to end it, trust me, he would verbally say so). The bad thing is, he could really screw me up or my job if he wanted to. I have never seen this side of him this bad. Like I said, this happened only 1 other time in 1 year, so it's very tramatic for me. I am thinking of throwing in the towel all together. This is emotionally tramatizing to me. I am afraid to do anything else. I am really fearful.<P><BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>