our marriage is almost 30 years old. it has been alot work, mostly one-sided to try and keep this marriage together.i am 46 and H is 57. in the years we have been married, i have found out about other women,the ex-wife, pictures, and even about a man to man relationship, affair, (i am not even sure what to call it). i have gone to counsiling many times, talked with the family doctor, my pastor, my friends, my son etc. somehow i have managed to stay sane everytime something popped up. i finally had enough and filed for a legal separation this last feb. we got back together a few months later and now....here is my story: i reserved a hotel room in april, brought a large bottle of blush wine, had him meet me at my room. (NOTE: this all took place because of both of us reading Dr. Harley's books)we talk, we cried we made love, or tried to..my H couldn't get hard. it was still a great nite and we both came home the next day together. since then things on the homefront have been ok. i continue to check back often with the books. however, things in the bedroom are still not happening. i am not one who is very upfront, but decided one day to talk to him after a nite of great sex, but no lovemaking. H must of knew what i wanted to talk about, because H avoided me all day. again at bedtime. i tried to email him letters to work, called H at work and was told he was in a meeting, ...FINALLY, one Sat. i asked him to sit down, that i really needed to talk and to please do not interrupt me. give me about 20 minutes and then you can have the floor. it took everything i had to NOT make H mad. i tried to put things in a non-critizizing way, but as soon as i got to the problem all heck broke lose. again we make up and still great sex and no lovemaking. H tells me he is tired, tummy upset, leg bothering him etc. it took me awhile, but the excuses were running out. then its my birthday and a MIRACLE happens...yes, it happened twice the same morning and without me trying to get him hard!!! It was great. but I questioned myself HOW?? that was on a sat., i tried for a repeat on sun. and nothing happens, tried again on mon. and his leg is crossed in front of him and again this happens with the leg on tue. i ended up crying myself to sleep on the couch on wed. on thurs he hears me cry and holds me and i try to touch h and he moves my hand. i cry again. h gets up and comes back to bed. after about 10-15 minutes h suggles beside me and A MIRACLE happens...to my surprise, because i had tried for a good 40 minutes and could not get H hard. when i felt him and knew that this was not me doing it for him...i felt hurt...here it is friday, another letter to H at work, he comes home is very affectionate and i ask if he had read the letter and he says yes, and then i ask him about the "MIRACLES" and he informs me that he has been takeing some pills from the doctor. VIAGRA (i found these pills hidden the other day). This hurts me so that he did not let me know and lied about the doctor visit. or did he get them from the doctor? our evening turn into a shouting match as WHY DID YOU LIE? I am always a frighten, crying person when we try to discuss. he yells and tells me that I want him out of here and for the first time in 30 years...i agreed with him and yell at him, "yes, get the F--- out!!! and he left. i have no idea as to where he is at. i know he will be back, his clothes, etc are here. now where do we go from here? i have let him know on previous times about leaving and not coming home, "that if you don't come home to spend the nite, then stay away." usually he goes to his son's house or to a friend. he is not at either house. i tried his cell phone and his phone is full of messages. i left messages on his friends machine. I love this man so much, i have tried to put the past behind me and tried to be the loving wife HE wants. i do everything he wants me to do in the bedroom. but i find that i cannot turn him on with help from a pill. Darn of all the things that have happened , this pill thing hurts the most. NO, its not the pill that hurts the most, its the H lying and hiding the pills. What do I do when comes home? Do I questioned him as to where he stay the nite and why didn't he come home? what so I do? I love him and i miss him.

Sorry PLH, I can sympathize with your distress, but also with your husband's.<P>So he needed a pill, so what? Do you know how many men need a pill at his age? Get on the net and read the statistics. So he lied about it, well so what? It isn't easy for any of us to admit the ravages of age. And I think that it's harder for men than for women, especially something that goes so close to how many of them define themselves. Your husband was apparently a rather sexually oriented man, maybe it's particularly hard for him.<P>Hey he took the pill, risked the side effects,<BR>and you both got the benefits. I think you have to consider just why you are so pissed off. Viagra doesn't work without desire. Repeat viagra does not work without desire. The success is an indication of the intensitity of his desire.<P>No you do not ask any questions, just tell him you are so glad he's back and you hold him. <P>Yes deception of any kind hurts. But this kind of thing may come to you in a few years. There may be times when you are turned on, but absolutely dry, what are you going to do? "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" gains a whole new dimension.<P>You need to have some really honest communication with this man, some that recognizes that he isn't 17 and you aren't 15 and what are you going to do with the years remaining. There is a book called something like "Sex after 40", it's not bad you might want to check it out.<P>It really sounds like this is a physical problem. Is he on any medications? Has he had a physical lately? Check for diabetes and neuropathy specifically but they are not the only conditions that can cause erectile dysfunction.<P>Read all the stuff at this site. Check out the links to old posts, to other sites.<P>Take care.<p>[This message has been edited by hanora (edited September 30, 2000).]

PLH,<P>I'm going to try and respond as best as I can; but, take it for what it is worth, since I am 20 years younger than your H.<P>From a male perspective, I can see some ego issues when it comes to the use of viagra. No man I know wants to every admit to not being able to rise for the occasion of sex with someone he loves. It would be disappointing for the woman and cause her to doubt the relationship and her desirability. With this in mind, erectile disfunction builds even more stress for a man; I would imagine, he would doubt his youth and how his lover sees him. If/when I ever have to take such a drug; I don't think I'll be real candid about taking it. I'm not sure if I would even tell my W right away until I understood how it worked in my body. Once I understood the interaction, I would tell her.<P>Now, with the viagra issue aside; there seems to be a lot of anger over the past; which I can understand. You need to decide on how to handle the questions you have at the end. He left after a fight and was upset. At this time, he may be feeling like his youth has completely left, that he can't satisfy his young W (11 years is a difference)and he may feel he has no where to turn.<P>Now, I am not making excuses for your H. I'm just trying to say that he may be feeling embarassed to have to be taking viagra and may feel like he can no longer please his W. I would guess he will get over it; but, he will need you to stand beside him and walk with him as he moves into his 60's. Getting older can be difficult on man...loosing hair, loosing physical attributes, grey in hair and then add dealing with erectile disfunction. Your H may be dealing with these issues. Just trying to add a male perspective.<P>Hang in There!

PLH,<P>I am close to your H's age. Mercifully I haven't had to use viagra. You notice my choice of words? I hope so, because I and I suspect many other men do fear losing the ability to make love to our wives. And quite frankly satifying our W's is a very important need for us.<P>Now look at your original post. You are laying all kinds of things on him because he couldn't get hard. He knew it and he went and got help. But now you say well if it isn't natural then forget it.<P>Of course most of your tirade and finally throwing him out had to do with other issues, but you focused on the one that would and did hurt him the most. <P>The problem as I see it is that you use the sex as a guage of whether you marriage is surviving or not. When he cannot perform, then that implies to you that something is wrong, maybe he is cheating again, or he doesn't love you. He is responding to your expectations. He knows you will not accept the lack of performance because of all of the other things that have gone on in your marriage. He gets viagra, because you need and he would really like to please you.<P>So now to your question. You can question him if you want. You will probably get an honest answer along with a lot of anger. The answer may hurt you though. As for loving him, I don't think he believes that right now. <P>There will need to be some serious talking and rebuilding going on now. It needed to be done before, but you have now really entered a whole new realm. The very basis of the male ego and his sexual performance. <P>PLH, please think about what is really bothering you. Please think about what it is going to take to get you happy and satisfied with your marriage. I understand your resentment from the past, but if you want this marriage you will need to address the now and the future. <P>I say all of this because in order for him to understand why doing something that was difficult for him (seeing the Dr. and admitting he couldn't perform) would set you off, he needs to understand what you are really thinking. What are the real hot buttons. <P>I know you say he lied. But he didn't say anything about the viagra. In fact he didn't say anything until you asked and then he told you the truth. You are reading things into his behavior he didn't do. From what you have said here he didn't lie to you at all. A MIRACLE occured that is all. You didn't ask the source of the miracle. <P>As you can tell from what you have written, he keeps hoping he really doesn't need it, but apparently he does, as do millions of other men. Have you seen the sales of that stuff? Finally, Hanora and nowhereman, are right as far as I have read, you don't get excited from taking the stuff, it just allows the blood flow to do its proper job once excitement takes place.<P>Please think about what has been said and then reread your post. I hope you will get a slightly different perspective on this issue.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited October 05, 2000).]