Is this the right area for me? I don't get much time on the pc, so I've only skimmed through the reading material, and other posts; My husband and I have been together for about 17 years, married 12 years. The first 7 years we were together he treated me like an angel, perfect in almost every way. 5 years into our marriage, without any signs of reasons, my husband began wanting things to change; he began lieing, verbally and sexually abusing me, telling me daily what a rotten person i am...(the list goes on). And when i tried to leave him, he'd apologoise, and promise to go back to his "old self". 6 years of that lifestyle left me an emotional wreck. I unknowenly allowed him to crush my spirits, self esteem, and pretty much all of who I was. We did counceling on and off during those years, but he never changed back the man I married. With my moms strength, I finally left him, took our 2 kids and moved in with my mom! (frightened all the while). 3 months later, he sold our house, and moved in with us. He has come a *long* way from those years of pain inflicting ways, and I do still love him, but our problem now is ME!!! I want to be close, but am afraid! It's been 2 years since he has hurt me for no reason, but I don't know how to get the *past* out of our lifes. We do good for a while, but something will remind me of the hurt, and it all comes rushing back. I've talked to him a little about what I'm going through, and how sorry i feel for him, but that either upsets him,because he takes it personally, or makes him angry, telling me to let go of the past. I think one reason that it is staying with me is because he was never able to give me a *reason* for his behavior, so i can't put a close on it. And honestly, I'm afraid that he may go back to those ways.<BR>So much for trying to make a long story short. But If anybody can understand what I'm dealing with, I would appreciate any in-put. Even if it's to say that I don't belong here. Thanks for reading me, Laurah<BR>

<p>[This message has been edited by Somber (edited November 01, 2000).]

Yes, I know were you are coming from my wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 12.We have 2 kids. I used to treat my wife just like you were treated ,only i did it for about the first 7 years. We seperated for 7 months and she even applied for the big D. We went to court and everything but before it was over we got back together. It has been over a year and alot of other things have come up .I have tried to change but it just doesn't seem to be makimg any differance.She still has a hard time getting over what has happened in the past.And i have too. Also i know how your husband feels. All i can really say is that i know how you feel and what you must be going through and it is a really hard time . sometimes all i want to do is leave again but i really love her and are afraid of living with out her and the kids. Hang in there only time will tell.<P>------------------<BR>help

I agree, the past is done and over with....at least most of the same behavior is. But the wounds have not totally healed <BR>More often than not we are doing much better, but when he introduces one of his old behaviors, it has a way of opening those wounds. (Not all of them, but enought to hurt). Love is not suppose to hurt!<P>I'm not saying that I'm *happy* that you are hurting, rather, I am happy to know that your W is not alone in her pain. Sometimes I can feel that my H is hurting from our past as well, and that does help a bit. But it would help a lot more to hear him say it. Just so I'd know that I'm not alone. (Rather than sweeping it under the rug, which usually seems to happen). <P>I hope that you are able to share your pain with your wife, and I hope that she is the kind that can turn that pain into a bond, rather than an ego trip. <P>It's difficult on both sides of the fence, but sometimes I just get so frustrated. Even though I do keep telling myself that he has come a long way, there are days (usually around pms'ing), that i need more of him...which in turn makes me feel *selfish*.<P>Anyway, thanks Somber and Get67 for your insight. Sometimes a wake up call is really needed......Laurah