I have been married for 2 ½ years and don't know how to deal with my husbands emotional problems. It is now to the point where I am ready to call it quits. For starters, my husband is addicted to Internet Porn. Apparently he was into this even before we met. This makes me feel like he is not happy with my appearance, and I am not good enough for him. To make matters worse, I have two friends whose husbands cheated on them with women they met on the internet. I fear that my husband may be headed in this same direction. I don't think he would ever cheat on me, but who ever does?? Within a few months of marriage I found out he had joined a couple of romance / singles web groups. He had even printed off profiles of a couple women in our area. When I confronted him, he was very remorseful and said that he didn't know why he had done it. He also has secret e-mail counts on hotmail that he won't let me see. He says they are for junk mail. He also chats with other women on ICQ. When I asked him if they know he is married, he says they do. But when I look up the chat history, he doesn't bother mentioning that fact, and he has even exchanged pictures with a couple of people. He says it is all innocent, and I really want to believe him, but I don't know that I do. My husband has also been out of work for three months, and has a serious depression problem. He wastes most of the day, stays up half the night, and sleeps until 10:00 a.m. I don't think he is trying very hard to find a job, and he gets mad at me for nagging him. We can't make it on my income, and are having to use my credit card on occasion. I am so stressed out I don't even want to deal with his problems. I just want him to leave. I feel like life would be so much easier if I was on my own again. HELP.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cindiwa:<BR><B>I have been married for 2 ½ years and don't know how to deal with my husbands emotional problems. It is now to the point where I am ready to call it quits. For starters, my husband is addicted to Internet Porn. Apparently he was into this even before we met. This makes me feel like he is not happy with my appearance, and I am not good enough for him. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You and a thousand other women. Porn has been around since man learned to use paint. But it is the internet that has opened the door for mass abuse of porn. The exciting thing about porn is that it provides what every man really wants - variety with no hassle. He can select his favorite “flavor of the day” and jerk off without worrying about turning you on or getting rejected. Perfect hey? <P>But what has this got to do with you or your looks? Nothing. There is no way you or any individual woman can compete. You may be the best woman he has ever made love to and he may still enjoy making love to you very much. But when he uses the internet, he isn’t interested in any “one” woman. It is the fantasy of a harem - any woman he desires that moment - which he is drawn to. <P>There are many women who post regarding porn. Most post on either the infidelity - Just Found Out - forum or the emotional needs forum.. I suggest you explore these areas. <P>I have argued the classic “mans” opinion that porn should not be hurtful because it is not meant to be “in leu” of pleasing the W. However, the fact is that in most cases it does hurt. And that is more important than what is or isn’t morally or rationally correct. Hence, I do not condone your H’s behavior simply because you ARE hurt as a result of his actions. And you shouldn’t accept it either. <P>Everyone has emotional needs which have to be fulfilled in order to feel good about themselves. In a loving marriage each partner contributes to meeting the other partners emotional needs (EN). Read up on the MB web site what these are and have yourself and your H fill out the EN questionnaire. When these needs aren’t being met, it leaves a void - a feeling of helplessness and dispar. Love becomes overshadowed by the individuals need and the needs of the other partner are ignored. Eventually both partners become lonely and distanced from each other - they fall out of love. It is a vicious cycle but it can be broken.<P>Your husband’s (H) basic needs are not being met. This is in part due to his unemployment. How can he feel good about himself if he has been rejected many times and made to believe he has no productive value. How can he feel good knowing that he is a leach - living off the avails of your hard earned income. Yes, I am sure he is depressed and for the obvious reasons. Pron is an escape from the harsh reality - like drugs. In this state of depression it is hard for him to care about you and your needs. Hence, the fact that he has hurt you is of little consequence to him. <P>How can you help him? Get him professional help if you can afford it. Think of it as an investment. If he can become employed and productive again, it will pay off big time both emotionally and financially. If you can’t afford it, read, read, read. Learn to become his counselor. Help him see the light. Start by reading about the emotional needs, find out what his are and work toward meeting them. As you discuss them with him, talk about how his unemployment effects these needs. It will take time but you can restore his self esteem and build the confidence he needs to try. Work with him to set boundaries. Eliminating internet porn should be one of them. In fact, get rid of the internet at home all together. There are other addictive time wasters which can be substituted even if he has the will power to drop porn. There is little to be gained from it in comparison to what it is doing to him. <P>In every marriage there needs to be boundaries as to what behavior is or isn’t acceptable. These boundaries shouldn’t be used to “control” the other spouse, but to communicate what you each can tolerate before one of you is hurt. Find out what boundaries he needs you to place on your behavior. Pressuring him to get a job might be one. Communicate what boundaries you need him to respect. Agree to these boundaries and then focus on the positive - meeting each others EN’s. <P>When you focus on meeting his EN’s he will feel loved. This is a powerful motivator. It may take a while, but he will become inspired to improve his life - especially his relationship with you. You will become his drug, the thing he needs the most. As long as you can keep meeting these needs, he will be able to take emotional risks again - risk being rejected by another potential employer. As long as he knows you will still love him, he won’t get so easily discouraged and eventually he will find a job he can enjoy. <P>I must warn you though not to fall into the trap of trying to control him. In some relationships when a spouse is down the other spouse tries to control the “loser” and “make” him/her do what is perceived to be the right thing. Uh Uh. Doesn’t work. You have to inspire, not control. Don’t start meeting his needs with the idea that you expect certain results. This is like saying, I love you but only if you do what I want. Would you feel inspired in this type of relationship? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You wrote: <BR><B>To make matters worse, I have two friends whose husbands cheated on them with women they met on the internet. I fear that my husband may be headed in this same direction. I don't think he would ever cheat on me, but who ever does?? Within a few months of marriage I found out he had joined a couple of romance / singles web groups. He had even printed off profiles of a couple women in our area. When I confronted him, he was very remorseful and said that he didn't know why he had done it. He also has secret e-mail counts on hotmail that he won't let me see. He says they are for junk mail. He also chats with other women on ICQ. When I asked him if they know he is married, he says they do. But when I look up the chat history, he doesn't bother mentioning that fact, and he has even exchanged pictures with a couple of people. He says it is all innocent, and I really want to believe him, but I don't know that I do. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What he is doing is playing with fire. I have been there. He is searching to have his needs met. One way is to escape into fantasies. These fantasies become more stimulating the closer they get to reality. So he sends out feelers, finds out as much as he can about a women and builds an image of her that combines his fantasy with her character. He imagines her as being a person who meets his needs, makes him feel good. He does the same for her. If it gets carried away then one day they meet. They have a brief affair and are terribly disappointed. It is never as good as the fantasy. He will then spend the nest two years of his life recovering from the guilt and pain. What a waste. <P>Do him a favor, end it now. Removing access to the internet is an absolute must. Having it there when your gone is like leaving an alcoholic alone with an open bottle of rye on the counter. What do you expect to happen? <P>QUOTE]You wrote: <BR><B>I am so stressed out I don't even want to deal with his problems. I just want him to leave. I feel like life would be so much easier if I was on my own again. HELP. </B>[/QUOTE]<P>It is so unfair that with all the stress on you, you have to be the one to rebuild the relationship. But that is the way it is. And it is a lot easier than getting a divorce, finding a new H, and falling into the trap again. Every marriage has its good and its bad times. If you bail out now, you will never learn how to cope and deal with the bad times. You might as well learn. <P>Read about the stages of relationships in the MB web site. Also read about recovering from an affair. Many of the same concepts will work even if there hasn’t been one. Post often to the Emotional Needs section of the forum. Vent whenever you need to. That is what we are here for. <P>I’ll be rooting for you....