Hi,<BR> My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have 3 children. Our last child was born in February. Since I found out I was pregnant last June my husband has been very resentful of me because he believes that I somehow tricked him into getting me pregnant. I begged and pleaded with him for years to have a third child (our first child is 11 and our second child is 9) but he would not budge. I was as shocked as he was when I got pregnant. On and off since then I have been "punished" for getting pregnant and "getting my way". <BR> I cannot believe his attitude. Things have now gone from bad to worse. Right now he basically does not want to have anything to do with me because he has been unable to overcome these feelings of resentment.<BR> I find it incredibly hard to believe that he is not taking any responsibility in this and that he cannot move past these feelings. We have 3 beautiful children. He says that he does not resent the baby just me. I find this hard to believe also. Right now we are at an impasse. He has been to couseling but it has not helped. The counselor encouraged him to do things to help him move on but he says the feelings of resentment are still there. <BR> We have been married for a long time but suddenly I feel like I am married to a stranger.

RNMom,<P>Just a few questions. I am making the assumption that you in no way were trying to get pregnant. Is that true?<BR>Once you two decided not to have a third child why didn't he get a vasectomy? Has he gotten one yet. If you two weren't ready to take permenant steps what form of birth control were you using? Was it a method that relied on you or him? If he was so set against a third child he should have taken responsibility to see that it didn't happen not put all the burden on you.<P>When I finally gave up trying to convince my wife to have a third child I got "fixed" so we wouldn't have any surprises. This move also improved our sex life by removing the chance of an unplanned pregnancy. Now I'm like a Sunkist orange...All juice no seeds!<P>Mud <>< <p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited October 18, 2000).]

Thanks for your response. Yes he has had a vasectomy. We were using condoms but did not use one the night I conceived, obviously. I still cannot understand why he cannot get past this and move on since he really seems to love our baby who would not be here if I didn't get pregnant. Any insight into why he cannot move on?

I'll take a stab at what might be at the root of his resentment. Since it had been 9 years since you had a child I can imagine that he had started to formulate some plans about your future together. Those plans may have included being able to travel more, change careers or just slow the pace of his life. <P>My wife and I talk about this alot as our oldest is already in college and our youngest will be there in 2 years. The arrival of a new born turned his world (or at least his view of his future world) upside down. If he was looking forward to being an empty nester in less then 9 years that is 18 years away now. That can be a huge factor especially if he is at all unhappy with his present career of job. <P>The good news is he isn't focusing his frustration on your newborn. That, however, doesn't help you. Would he be willing to talk with a counselor about his feelings? Maybe some discussions about how some of his plans have been upset would help. It will be very important to not love bust here.<P>Mud <><

Thanks again for your reply.<BR>You may be right. He has been seeing a counselor who has given him suggestion about what he can do to move on. Right now he feels unable to move past these feelings of resentment and feels her suggestions are not working. <BR>A week ago we basically separated but are still living in the same house. It's hard not to try and retaliate against someone who is causing you so much pain. I'm praying that I can be strong. I don't know what shape this marriage will be in once this is all over.<BR>I am going to make an appointment to meet with his counselor next week. I am going to go alone at first and then we are going to go together. <BR>Thanks again for trying to shed some light on what's going on. I really appreciate it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RNMom:<BR><B>Thanks again for your reply.<BR>It's hard not to try and retaliate against someone who is causing you so much pain. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear RNMom,<P>Remember that he is in a lot of pain too. That is what he trying to deal with. He is wrongly focusing his pain on you. Do all you can not to retaliate. It won't help. Once he regains his equilibrium you two will have the opportunity to help you heal from the hurts you are suffering now. No its not fair. But is is life.<P>God Bless!<BR>Mud <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We were using condoms but did not use one the night I conceived, obviously. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not obvious to me! Got my six year old when I developed a sudden allergy to latex. Got very swollen and inflamed and the condom broke.<P>Got my present pregnancy when he went a bit soft in the middle of having sex and we never knew until it was over and I found it (the non-latex kind) jammed up inside.<P>Unlike my H, your H knew he wasn't shooting blanks and <B>went for it in an unprotected fashion anyway.</B> His own failure to take responsibility for the condom is now being turned around onto YOU as anger. Just a displacement. He is really angry at himself. He knew you wanted a baby. He knew he didn't. He failed to take any precaution. He just can't face it so he puts it back on you.<P>Do you think it might help if you were to tell him that you forgive him for being angry at you, telling him that you understand he is really angry at himself for letting himself down? <P>Whatever else, don't coddle him now. Sounds like he is being very immature about this. Just stand tall and observe. See if he will be a man or make a fool out of himself. Do not be desperate or sell out your self respect. Hold on to yourself and your values and ride this out very rationally.<P>We all know how frustrating and difficult it is to own up to our own weaknesses! Be compassionate, but insist that he be a good and responsible father at all times.<P>Feel free to use my story if you think it might help. Here are the gory details:<P>I had four kids in my first marriage. Divorced after 13 years. Single for quite a while. Remarried when I accidentally got pregnant (see above) seven years ago.<P>I was DONE!! Done having kids, I tell you. Frustrated to have #5. She <I>is</I> pretty fabulous though. <P>But then the Dr. scared me to death with his description of his version of standard tubal ligation. (I had never been hospitalized in my life. All my kids had been born naturally at home with midwives in attendance. And I knew many people personally who had had horrible experiences with general anesthesia.) <P>I talked to H about the procedure and alternatives and he agreed to see about getting a vasectomy. After all, I was almost 40 and already had five children! I explained the increased risks of pregnancy in older women. Ya Ya. He said he'd do it. Proceeded to procrastinate for years. <P>Meanwhile we used those non-latex condoms. He finally, several years later went to see the dr about a vasectomy. Didn't really like the idea of the cutting so he delayed another two years.<P>And now I am pregnant. A very high-risk pregnancy. A very poor outcome is almost certain. I am in constant pain, have already been hospitalized once, and am not due for another 7 weeks. <P>The baby probably won't survive very long either. If he does he will be profoundly retarded and probably have complex medical issues all his life. But he might be pretty okay other than the developmental delay. They just don't really know. A real special-needs child (trisomy 18 in case you know about it)!<P>The complications are arising and may threaten my life at any time as well. I will probably go into labor too early, and will almost certainly have to have an emergency C-section for my own safety whenever I do go into labor. <P>So, not only do I not get out of having surgery, I get to have really major surgery, and a traumatic pregnancy, and a devastating loss at the end. We are facing life and death together on a daily basis now.<P>Does he feel badly? You bet. He was so excited to be getting another baby. We were both looking forward to it even though it wasn't convenient. We were all devastated by the news from the prenatal testing. The first thing he said was that I had indeed warned him! Second thing he said was, "I am so sorry!"<P>Talk about closing the barn door after the stampede has left!!!! He finally got that little procedure last month. Never even took his Advil. Said it didn't hurt at all. Tough guy! Went straight to work right afterwards, and worked the whole next day too. No ice. Nothing after he left the office. If we had known then that I would probably have surgical birth I would have let him off the hook and just planned to have my tubes snipped while they are in there.<P>Life just never comes at you the way you plan it, does it? Good thing we are adaptable critters!<P>Count your blessings! Three beautiful healthy children! Somehow, get him to look around at the alternatives and give songs of thanksgiving and praises. If you are a nurse I am sure you have more vivid stories than mine you could share! <P>What does <B>HE</B>think his so-called resentment is all about?<P>Good luck!<P>Karenna<BR><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Dear Karenna,<BR> Thank you so much for your response.<BR> My heart is bleeding for you. <BR> I have often heard that just when you think you have problems you talk to someone else and find out that your problems are nothing compared to what they are going through. My prayers are with you and your family. <BR> Also, thank you for your insight into what my husband is probably thinking right now. It will really take some encouragement to sit back and ride this one out. But if you can go through what you're going through I'm sure I can make it. <BR> I just bought a book by "Dr. Phil" from the Oprah show and what he has to say has really given me some encouragement. I am going to try his strategies and see if they work for me. I'll keep you posted.<BR> Take care of yourself. Again, my prayers and thoughts are with you.<BR>Sincerely,<BR>RNMom

Please keep us posted! Especially if you do use my story or suggestions, I'd really like to know how he reacts. Feel free to print this thread out and share it with him. The more people who can benefit from this the better.<P>Thanks for the prayers! They really do help.<P>Karenna<P>P.S. I became a grandmother this week!! My oldest son and his wife had a gorgeous little boy Wednesday morning. (See my post on Women's Bible Study.)<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited October 21, 2000).]

Hi RNMom,<P>How is it going? Did you get Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil McGraw? That is a good book. Obviously HE has read Harley's work too. Is your H still in a snit and indulging resentment?<P>Karenna

Dear RNMom, <P>Hope you are getting email notification regarding your thread. It's been a while since you were here. <P>Please let us know how you handled your "conflict" and how your H is handling things now. See my update on Women's Bible Study forum.<P>Love,<P>Karenna

Dear Karenna,<BR> My hearfelt thoughts and prayers are with you at this time of pain and sorry. It has been a long time since I was here.<BR> Right now my husband is in Florida visiting his parents. This is totally out of character for him. I usually have to beg him to go anywhere. He is due to return today. I took the kids and visited my sister in Maryland this weekend. We got back last night. <BR> So far I have not had the courage to talk to him about what happened to you (getting pregnant). He is acting very out of character these days. I feel that I am constantly waiting for him to make the next unexpected move. I don't know what to do or think anymore. I have been praying that God will give me the strength to face whatever is going to happen and that our children will not be hurt in any way. <BR> I will continue to pray for you and your family at this time and keep you posted about us.<BR> Thanks,<BR> RNMom

Dear RN Mom:<P>I can empathize with your situation. My husband and I just had a baby about 2 months ago, and we have a four year old. I agree with the earlier post that a lot of your husbands resentment may be do in part to being accustomed to have self-sufficient childrent, to having to care for a newborn. I did push for our second child, and my husband was even more upset when he found out we were going to have yet another girl. He really wanted a son, and often looks depressed when he thinks he will never have a son!<P>I admit, I did pressure my husband into having unprotected sex, and he really didn't want another kid. I love our daughters and so does he, but there is still some mixed feelings on how and why we conceived the second one. He thinks I was trying to trap him, which could not be farther from the truth, I just wanted our four year old daughter to have a sibling.<P>Continue to pray for strength and support your husband as he works through his problems.

Wow. I have just been reading this thread. While I don't currently have this problem myself, I am really stricken by the fact that there is no way to compromise here (before the act). When one spouse badly wants a child and the other badly does *not* want one. Someone is going to be left unhappy and resentful. <P>I can't think of any way that this can be emotionally satisfied. So, you have to rely on reason. Either before an unplanned pregnancy, one spouse convinces the other that having a(nother) baby will completely upset their future plans together, or, after the fact, one spouse convinces the other that no amount of resentment or punishment is going to help matters (it will indeed make them worse!). <P>Have you tried saying to H, "I'm sorry. I didn't do this to hurt you. That is the last thing I want to do. I know you feel like I've betrayed you. I can't go back and change what happened. We've taken steps to make sure that this doesn't happen again, and that's all the correction we can do. I know you want me to be a good mother to all of our children, and I can't do that if I wish one of them hadn't been born. I have to move forward and be a good parent and spouse. I hope you will join me."<P>I don't know your husband. Some people are more open to reason than others. But that might, at least, give him something to think about.<P>