My wife have been married for 14 years. Two years ago here sister moved into the area. They started going out on occasional Weds nights as a girls night out which I did not mind. After awhile though it got to be every night and the time she would get home was later and later. As additional information I have a basketball league I play in on Tues nights (which my wife got me into for activity). When I approached her after six months about the Weds night activities she said she was doing nothing wrong. She also said that I went out on Tues nights and she did not mind. My response was that at least she knew where I was at, who I was with, and the gym is right down the stree. The every Weds night continued and feeling threatened I started accusing her of seeing someone else. I was so jealous or insecure that I would even mention it in front of the children. She continously denies it but I do not know rather to believe her or not. <P>It finally got to the point where one night we got in an argument upon her coming home real late and escalated to me demanding a divorce out of spite and hurt.<P>The next day she asked for a separation so I asked her where she was going. She said I should leave to which I said I could not afford to pay a house mortgage and get an apartment also. In Additional conversation she indicated that her love for me had changed and that she did not want me to touch her. She did say that she cared. That night she asked me to hold her as we were sleeping, then the next day it was the same thing and same conversation.<P>I asked her to go to counseling and she indicated that she had no problems and would not go. I tried to get her to commit for the sake of our children but to know avail.<P>We are still living together after 3 months in the same house and sleep in the same bed. The relationship is under very strained circumstances and is not really a relationship. I do not know or can understand where it is going or what her motive is. I can not figure out what she is trying to do no matter how hard I try! I am going to counseling, read all materials and books on how to win back your spouse, etc. <P>It is very stressful and painful under the current situation. I want my wife back and I want to build the relationship to a one of loving an caring as we had before. I realize we have both changed and there are a llot of things we do not know about or see eye to eye on with each other.<P>Looking for suggestions.

The one thing that opened my H's eyes was the first time that I didn't make a big deal of what he was doing, with whom and when or where. I started to take care of myself for myself and once I did that, he seemed to become the courious cat. Why wasn't I asking him what time he would return? I didn't need to know. He was a big boy. I had made other plans and joined a cooking class. I love to cook. Remember that even negative attention that you show someone is still attention to them. Have faith in yourself and feel good about yourself and others will be ready to cling to you. She is feeling a taste of independents that maybe she hadn't felt in awhile. She feels good about herself. But in the process, I still am accused of being selfish and uncaring sometimes maybe because I don't go out of my way to do things for him that I know he could do for himself. He just asks me so he gets that sense of attention from me. Just so he can know that I still care for him. Go to the gym, join a class meet, new people, make new friends. Sometimes the person you care about the most does just need some room to grow and you should try to respect that and let her breathe. Trust is a major part of a relationship. Without it you won't have a relationship to revive anyway. Did you ever hear the butterfly story about letting it fly and if it comes back to you it was ment to be with you...It is one of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn in my fifteen year marriage, but we grow stronger together with each day.<p>[This message has been edited by seashell (edited November 01, 2000).]

Thanks for the reply Seashell. I think you are right. When I question her about an affair or not trusting her the trust issue seems to be the big argument. At first she liked it as a compliment as it made her feel that I cared but then it got to the point where it became a negative. Of course the concern of what the children would think and that if anything happened to us that they would think it was her fault does not help!! She is a good mother and a good wife and I would never try to take that away from her. She is also afraid of what I am telling other people about her and what they would think. She even stated that she should go to counseling with me but I know the reason is to make sure I am not saying anything negative towards her. All I am trying to do is find out what the issues are and try and work on a solution!<P>I have to work on this jealousy and learn to trust what she tells me. The other thing I have to do is work on correcting my shortcomings and not focus on hers. I think this is evident in your advice also where you talk about having faith in yourself and feeling good about yourself. Right now I feel so put down by her I do not exude confidence and she plays on it. But again I think she feels put down also and is afraid that if we try to work it out it will end up the same. <P>The other thing I am concerned the most about is the drastic swings in the relationship and how to deal with them and maintain or obtain the confidence. Last night W told me she did not like me, did not want me to touch her, and did not want me to be near her. Even told me to go ahead and file for D. Then this morning she started conversation saying there were certain things she wished she had not said (although she did not say which ones!). She said that she did love me and care for me but in a different way. She does not want to be intimate or be committed. <P>It is like a seesaw and it is hard to understand let alone be strong. I realize that W & I have grown in different ways as she has pointed out and as she indicates our love has changed. I have told her that I think if we both work at it we can regain or grow strong our love again. She does not see that happening at this time. I hope she is reacting out of hurt and with time and with me trying to be strong and to prove to her I can change that will also change. I realize the key thing is that I need to overcome my jealousies, mistrust, and stop accusing her of having an affair. Especially in front of the children, as my wife feels that I am undermining their trust for her. I agree that I have done wrong in those cases but I am so afraid of losing the family unit! <P>There are several things I have done or have written to her to show her why I feel the way I do. I do this to communicate and also hoping she will say that my perception is wrong thus putting my insecurities at ease. I feel like I always screw up though as to how it is presented because she always thinks I am trying to blame things on her. This is not the case though and I do not know how to get through to her. Will have to wait and see. Again thanks for responding.<BR>