I've been married for 7 months now, out of the 7 months we've had 3 months of happiness. The latest disappointment happened last night. I hardly cook because we get home kind of late and when I do cook, its seems like we always get into an arguement. Last night I wasn't sure how to cook the turkey breast so decided to look for a recipe on the internet, I wasn't able to find an easy one. H asked me to call his mom. His mom wasn't home. H then asked me to call his sisters, I said no because I don't feel confortable calling them. That bothered him. Anyway, his mom finaly called us back. I cook the turkey. I serve him the side dishes. He then surved himself the turkey breasts. We were having dinner and I ask him "how is it" he said "its good but it's not (he mentioned and upscaled restaurant), it's more like Old Country Buffet (which is a serve yourself all you can eat type of place)you have to serve yourself". He was upset that I didn't serve him the turkey and then brought it to him (where he was relaxing on the recliner by the fireplace). What hurt me the most was his next comment. He said if he wanted to marry someone like me who does cook much and when I do I don't serve him. "I would have married a professional". Those were his exact words. He always says how I tricked him into marrying me. He thought I was going to be this dump, naïve girl, who was going to be his servent and do everything he would want me to do. He was wrong because I am not like that at all. Don't get me wrong. I do my best to compromise with him. It's just never enough for him and that's why it makes it so hard for me to be the loving wife I was at the beginning. He is hardly ever loving with me. The last time we made love was about a month ago. I don't know what to do anymore. All he know how to do is insult me and hurt my feelings. Please help.

Ok, I'm not going to be much help BUT I do want to say(because it thouroughly ticks me off when men act like this) that us women are not slaves, we were not born to serve man!!! Neandrathal(sp?) man are pathetic, if he wants a servant tell him to go and hire one. Was he like this before you married him and how long did you know him before your marriage? Just curious. My husband knows that yes, I cook and yes, he loves that but no, I will not "serve" him and we agree that he does the dishes when I cook. 50/50, we both contribute. Never compromise you or your self worth to please any man, you will just resent him for it and your self esteem will be shot.

Sounds like some relationship work is in order! <P>Read all you can at this website. There's wonderful ideas, and sometimes to get closer to your goal you may end up having to behave in a way that doesn't "feel" normal. Like, being nice when you're angry. <P>And talk w/your H. Try to keep your emotions in check during conversations. Remain pleasant, EVEN if he's lovebusting all over the place. That's a tough one for me! Takes nerves of steel.<P>You CAN make your marriage better. You CAN start the wheels all by yourself. Show him the way. By being sweet yourself, and listening...really listening...to what he says. It will reveal a lot about his own inner emotions.<P>Keep posting! We'll try to help.<P>Laura

I guess he was like this before we got married. I lived with my parents before, therefore, it wasn't about cooking. His demands were about spending time together or him controlling my money. Yes, I let him handle my money even before we got married. Our relationship went forward rather quickly. When I met him I was living in the west coast. We dated long distance for about 5 months (saw each other maybe 4 weekends). One month after my return to the midwest we were engaged. I knew we were going to get engaged. I just didn't know it was going to take place that soon. Since we had talked about getting engaged in 3 months not one month later. Our plan was to get married 11 months later, but the place where we wanted to have the reception wasn't avail. We then moved up the wedding 5 months (which was a mistake). So we met, dated, were engaged in total of 11 months. The month before the wedding, the wedding was probably called off 5 times. Sometime I wish I would've been strong enough to have stuck to my decision back then.<P>I have listen Dr. Phil's CD's, Relationship Rescue and watched him on TV. But you can't imagine how hard it is for me to keep my cool with him when he tries to put me down the way he did last night. After he made his comments I didn't say a word to him the rest of the night. I cryed to myself. In the past, I have asked him to listen to the tapes with me or watch Dr. Phil on TV. I have asked him for us to seek counseling. He refuses to seek for any kind of help because he doesn't think are problems are that big of a deal. When I bring up the issues I have with him, he tries to blame me for whats going on. I except the fact that I am part at fault, but he is more at fault then I am and can't accept it. His solution is for us to go our separate ways instead of giving in and save our marriage.

Dear Marcy, <P>How old are you? Are you mature enough to take charge of your life now? You went from mom and dad's care, into H's care with no independent phase at all. <P>A fast courtship is a very strong marker for a controlling or abusive husband. They want to get you hooked in early, before you find out what they are all about. <P>His control of all of your money as well as the family money is a major problem. High time to set some stiff limits in this relationship. <P>Such as - He gets counseling and pays for it or puts you on <B>ALL</B> the accounts by this coming Tuesday.<P>You need to go to a barricuda of a divorce lawyer ASAP and find out how to set yourself up to get a handsome spousal support check in the event that he dumps you off. Not that you need to file for divorce yet ... but be careful. Line up all the ducks you can while you still can.<P>DO NOT GET PREGNANT in the foreseeable future. This would be an unmitigated disaster at this point. Keep innocent kids out of this potential hornet nest until it actually is the dream marriage you hoped for.<P>Find that legal consultation. Get a referral for a very expensive attorney who is accustomed to representing the wives of powerful professional men. You may well get a free consultation with the best divorce lawyer in the county if you try for it. His money will end up paying for any divorce you may need down the road. Lets keep praying you don't end up on that road!! <P>Being tough and assertive and loving is the only way to save your marriage. His silly little control games are a sign of his own <B>INSECURITIES</B> AND <B>FEARS</B>. He is afraid of being dependent on you and of the way you could and would hurt him if you were to leave. <P>Good luck, Marcy. <P>Love,<P>Karenna<BR><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

I'm a tad confused....when he said he would have married a professional...did he mean like, a prostitute?<P>A slow moment for me. I think I took that at first glance as a chef or something related to cooking. <P>Sorry!<P>Laura

I am 31 yrs old. I'll be 32 in 5 months. H is 35 years old. I lived at my parents till I was 27 yrs. old. I then relocated to California because I was dating a guy who lived out there. I had been dating him for 3 years, 1 1/2 was long distance. We (me & my x)decided that we were going to live together. I told him I would live with him for 2 years and if by then he wasn't ready to commit, I was going to move back. Well, I end up living w/him for 3 1/2 yrs with no kind of committment. Five month before I met my H, I decide that it was time for me to make the move back home. During that time is when I met him (my husband). <P>I think my move to California made me become a stronger person. Even though I was living with my x, I felt as though I was on my own. We were more like roomates. All the expenses were divided, that included groceries. When we went out for dinner we would sometimes divide the bill. So I learned alot from all of this, I learn how to take care of myself without any help. I was broke all the time but I managed to pay my bills on time. I think the main reason why my H doesn't trust me is because of how we met. I was still living with my x when I started dating him.<P>I really do hate to think about divorse. I want us to resolve our issues but it can't happen without him wanting the same. I went home yesterday. We did not say a word to each other the whole night. We sat there like to complete strangers. I didn't talk to him because I feel that he caused me alot of pain therefore, he's the one who has to fix it. I am so hurt by this I don't know if I'll be able to forget about it any time soon. <P>What did he mean by "marrying a professional" you ask. He meant that I don't have a degree, so I'm not good enough. I don't cook much and I don't take care of him the way he would want me too. I do the best I can in the time we are home. We are hardly ever there. So he should have married a woman with a degree who has a profession. In his eyes a professional (career woman) is someone who can't be a housewife and take care of their husband at the same time they are working on their career. "I really don't know what he thinks". "I'm just assuming this is what he is thinking."<P>Thank you all for your replys. I appreciate your concern. I know I'm in alot of trouble here. But I also know that if I was strong enough to leave a 7 year relationship. I can be strong enough to leave this one. It's not what I want, but I can't subject myself to any more mental abuse.

Hi Marcy<P>I have lived through your situation and, sad to say, am now divorced from the man who was just like your husband. We had a fast courtship, quick marriage, had kids (2) and I spent 14 miserable years with him. Counselling (on 3 different occasions) never worked, nor did 3 separations. All I can say to you is that these men don't want to change, and deep down, I think they dislike women. My advise to you is GET OUT NOW. Please do not get pregnant. My self-esteem and confidence are gone because I stayed and tried to work it out. Sorry folks, but I can't advise her to stay.

Last Friday he decided that he was going to talk to me. He couldn't figure out why I was so upset. He thought I was upset because the remote control was nowhere to be found and because I had to cook for him that night. I think he was just acting as though he didn't know the real reason. When I told him what upset me were the comments he made. He told me he had no bad intensions by what he said. They were just general comments he had made. He had no intension of hurting my feels. He then apologized. I accepted his apology and told him those types of comments weren't allowed. He seems to think I am a very sensitive person. We move past this issue and now trying to resolve our other issue posted under negotiating in marriage. Who knows what will be next.

Some advice that you may not hear much on this post is-SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBAND, SERVE HIM! This headstrong, self-righteous attitude that some women have just won't cut it in a marriage. There is no 50/50 in marriage, one spouse most often compensates for the other spouse in some form or fashion. Yes, your husband made comments that hurt your feelings, and you are right to make hime aware of this, but what I have found in my own relationship with H is that men often do this who are lacking something in their personal life, and it really doesn't have anything to do with you, you are just an easy target! But do everything to make your husband feel loved and appreciated, and if that means prepareing a meal everynight, even if it is chili dogs, do it! And, I do serve my husband, and he likes it, and I am a professional and it does make my husband feel good.

Hi Marcy,<P><BR>You know, this is the year 2000, not the year 1950, and this "serve your husband" stuff is a bunch of hooey. There's a lot of immature, selfish, controlling guys out there, and if people don't call them on their crap, they'll continue pushing it as long as women will let them get away with it. <BR>If you're both working til late, then I'd suggest you both work together in the kitchen to make dinner more quickly and a shared activity. Of course, Mr. sitting in his recliner may not favor that egalitarian an approach to life. If not, ponder if you're prepared for 20 to 30 years of that. Now is the time to make that decision, before children. BTW, I'm 14 years his senior, and I've never sat on the recliner myself at dinner time. Sounds like something I thought only guys 20 years my senior did. <P>Marcy, you have some hard choices to make here. What you're describing doesn't sound like a very open minded guy. His allusion to marrying a professional sounds like he figures only a co-working wife that was a "professional" career wise would be "worthy" of being treated as an equal. I don't have much respect for that; don't think you should, either. It probably won't help you to get lathered up with him about it, but I'd suggest reading Harley's books, and thinking about what it is YOU want out of marriage, and then see if your husband is of a mind to discuss it. If not, your options are limited. Good luck, and God Bless.<P>Regards,<P>Jon<p>[This message has been edited by JonMarsh (edited November 21, 2000).]

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't do anything for him, because that's not the case. I try to cook twice a week. There are weeks when I don't cook at all. The reason for me not cooking is because we are busy doing other things after work. I don't cook on the weekends because we are never home. I do laundry once a week. I try to pick up if there is a mess. For example, another thing that bothers me is that every night when he gets undress he throws his dirty close on the floor. I have asked him many times to throw it in the hamper. When I tell ask him to do this I do it in a nice way. For some reason he thought the cleaning lady(which comes once a week) was the one picking up after him. I told him I wasn't about to let her see his mess, so I pick it up before she comes over. He said to me that I should do it for him. He shouldn't have to pick it up his close or for that matter do any kind of picking up because he is the one who pays for the cleaning lady. <P>I see what my mother has gone through with my dad. I always said I wouldn't put myself in that situation. When my mom was at work and we were home my dad was able to serve himself but when my mom was home on weekends he would eat until he got served by my mom. If she took her time he would get upset at her. When we would go shopping she always made sure she fed him or had food ready for him to eat. If we took long shopping she would get worried about him not eating. That's what I don't want in my life. Therefore, I have to put my foot down now, early in the relationship, otherwise it will get worse as time goes by. If I allow him to get away with it. Who knows one day he might ask me to take his shoes and socks off for him.<P>The way I see it is that I will never be able to do enough for him. The more I do the more he'll want from me. I love my H very much but just because I do doesn't mean I'm going to let him push me around or do things that I don't necessary agree with. I always make sure I let him know how much I love him. Sometimes I send him messages via pager with sweet notes. I tell him how important he is to me. He probably tell me he loves me maybe once a week. He thinks that because he provides me with everything I need that is his way of showing me he loves me.<P>He seems to think I am tramatized by the fact that I had a bad relationship when I was 18 yrs old and maybe I should go seek for help. There is more to this story in negotiating, under "I'm not included in his finances".<P>Thank you for all your input. I am really trying hard to compromise with him, the last thing I want for us is to get a divorce. <P>Marcy