Hello...I'm the Barbi part of the Ed&Barbi. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years, we have been together for 4 1/2 years. We have a blended family, I have four children from a previous marriage that live with us and he has two children from a previous marriage that live with us also. The children's ages run between 6 to 12. Four girls and two boys.<P>We dated for a long time before we even introduced the children to one another/to eachother. We didnt want to put our children in a situation that would hurt them in case it didnt work out between us. We finally married one year after our first date.<P>After our marriage, we began to experience problems with his exwife. She began to interfere with everything that had to do with our home. She is very rude to my children, very rude and abusive to her own children. Things with my exhusband were very different, he tried to interfere with our home, rules with the kid etc. but I did not allow it. My home is my home and I will not allow my exhusband to be a part of my home life. My husband though has done very little to discourage his exwife's behavior in our home. He agree's that she is very disruptive, overbearing even, but still he does nothing about it. <P>If you want examples of the things that I consider out of line I will be happy to give them. <P>Here lies the problem. My husband, Ed, is very passive, very laid back and very non-threatening. While his ex is very loud, aggresive and really up tight. I am in the middle, I do not like to argue and will avoid it if possible, but will not turn away from a fight if it means that my family will be hurt. <P>I have tried to handle certain situations when they arrise, I usually stand my ground as long as it doesnt hurt the kids. They are always around and a fight in front of them will be very bad for them. It doesnt matter to me who's kids are there his/mine I dont want them to see or hear us in an argument, they've had too much of this in their lives already and they will never learn to do anything else if we dont set the example. <P>My husband tells me that he gets "sick to his stomach" when he has to confront her about anything. We've even been to mediation with his ex, but it hasnt helped at all in her behavior. We've even had to take his kids to counseling because of it and still there is no change. <P>Its causing a huge problem in our marriage, I do not feel safe in my home, I dont trust his judgement when it comes to her, it seems he caves in to her desires just to not hear her complain or throw one of her famous temper tantrums. All I want is peace in my home, the peace of mind to know that I dont have to put up with anyone going through our home, slamming our doors, cursing at us, yelling at the children. <P>My first reaction is to take care of the kids, both sets--in reality we never distinguish between his kids and my kids, we live together as a family. <P>Any advice would be great. I know I sound a little disjointed, I'm a little tired. <P>Thank you,<BR>Barbi

Hi Barbie,<P>I too raised a blended family, so perhaps I can help. Have you ever had family meetings where anyone can bring up a problem and everyone can hash out a solution? If not, I would suggest starting to incorporate them on a weekly basis.<P>A family meeting is where everyone in the family takes turns being the leader, where you identify what is going good in your family, actions are applauded, the schedule for the week is examined so everyone knows what is going on with everyone else, your purposely schdule family fun stuff, vacations, etc. The rules are that one person speaks at a time and no one may interupt. It would be a place where you could say to your family :<P>"I am having a problem and I need feedback from you guys. My goal for our family has been that this house would be a sanctuary for all of us, a place where we all would feel safe. I want everyone who lives here and everyone who visits here to feel honored and relaxed in our home. I want everyone to have the confidence that they can be the best they can be and not feel stressed or pressured by the outside world and that this house will encourage everyone to that goal.<P>So, after saying all that, here is where I am having a problem. I want to be able to honor your mother because she gave birth to you guys and I am very grateful for that because I love you guys and feel so blessed that you are part of my family. When she comes in here yelling, slamming doors (describe the behaviors she does) I feel she is robbing us of our safety in our house. The protective mother bear in me wants to lash out at her, kick her out of our house and not let her back in because I don't think you guys needs this behavior in your lives.<P>Your dad doesn't like confrontation and I want to honor him as well. I need feedback from you guys about how you feel about all of this, what are some things we can do as a family to stop this from occuring so that everyone feels honored and safe in our house."<P>And then really listen. The behavior may or may not bother them. They may decide to have things packed up so that when she drives up, they race out to meet her at the door so she doesn't come into the house...kids are incredible problem solvers if given the chance and it helps them to feel like an important part of the family. Once you have come up with some ideas, then you meet the next week to see how the solutions worked, if you need to take any other steps, etc. If your hubby hears support from the kids that he shouldn't allow mom to do something, he may feel encouraged to address it, knowing his kids are in the background going "yeah dad!"<P>Hope that helps.

Thank you so much for your reply.<P>We do have family meetings, we have them weekly and sometimes more if something really important comes up. We have discussed this during our family meetings, we asked for suggestions and listened to their responses. We keep everything packed and ready by the door in order to lessen the chance of a scene. But wouldnt you know it, we always pack the wrong stuff and every other week it has to be repacked or else. The kids are afraid of their mother, both sets are. All of the kids have had nightmares about her. The kids think that dad needs to handle her outbursts more effectively. Theyve seen the way I handled them with their dad and they feel that if he handled it that way it would stop. But my dh days that he cant do it. I think he has other issue brewing, I cant imagine being afraid of someone, but he is. I wish I could help him through this, unfortunately when I try we end up unhappy with eachother.<P>Its very frustrating. <P>Thanks again for your feedback!<P>Barbi