After reading the info on this site, and others, I think I am trapped in a "classic" marriage, except I am the male. My role is that of housekeeper, dealing with the kids, etc., while holding down a job. The excuse my wife gives is that I have more flexibility in my job than hers. That is true to a degree, but I still have responsibilities at work to attend to. I drop off and pick up the kids everyday, take care of the pets, cook dinner everynight, and then get accused of not taking an interest in the kids after she comes home because I let up some after she arrives. Today was a classic example: both kids sick, a major kitchen appliance in need of repair, and I have an afternoon appointment at work which was important. I asked my wife if we could split the day. Her reply: a withering look, and "I'm going to work!" and off she went. I've tried to talk to her about this,but her reponse is to immediately bring up all my character faults and past sins. I can certainly sympathsize with all the women who have been in this role with their husbands. So how do all you women handle this??

I question why your wife has such a bitter attitude towards you..What past sins or faults did you committ to bring on such a negative tone to your wife? If it was that bad, you are going to have to give her time to heal! When you have hurt someone, especially by having an affair (if that is what occured) it is going to take a while for her to get over the hurt and pain, and you can't expect her to just mature and grow up from that traumatic experience overnight. <P>BE PATIENT!! and UNDERSTANDING to your wife. If you need help coping, trying going to counseling and don't ask very much of your wife, find a good babysitter who can watch the kids when you need to if wife is unwilling, give her her space and she'll come around-trust me, been there done that!!

My past sins certainly do not include anything like an affair. My list of character flaws: sometimes rude, sometimes don't pay enough attention to the kids. Past sins: buying a pair of skis without her knowing; occasionally planning a round of golf without asking her ahead. The real issue in the marriage seems to be one of power. She has it, I don't, and I don't think she is willing to share any.

I don't know much about your Christian background, but both of you should read Ephesians 5:21-33. This scripture outlines the marriage relationship as it should be under God's plan. In that passage, the Husband is the head of the wife, and should protect his wife. This does not mean you are able to walk over her, but that she should defer to you in all major decision making. The Bible is a good book to read when you are concerned about a marital issue, and it often times has the solution spelled out in black and white.<P>If you are not careful, you will end up like my father-in-law: After 25+ years of marriage he is miserable, all of the children are gone and he, from what I can tell, seems to keep himself busy so as to avoid his wife. You'd be smart to nip this situation in the bud before it becomes too out of control, sometimes a moderate threat like telling her if she doesn't let you lead the family that you will leave since she can do it all on her own-this may give her a reality check!

bogie,<P>I've been thinking about your post for several days.....<P>My first reaction was that it seems like you have spoiled you wife by being a doormat, willing to do whatever it takes to keep her happy.<P>Then you add that your past sins are buying skis without her knowing....well I could understand that upseting her if it took a way from a financial goal the two of you had set. I haven't skied in over a decade, so I have no idea how much they cost now. <P>And your other sin was not (if I'm reading this right) asking her for permission to go golfing....come on now. You are an adult, does she really have that much control over you?<P>Now don't think I am busting on you, because I'm not. In the 9 months I've been here, I've learned a lot about myself and can see me in your post. I like my environment to be peaceful without a lot of tension and I like others to be happy. And, sometimes, I see myself not standing up for what I need to make sure things run smoothly. I have learned to see this in my marriage and at work. Tough lesson for a 37 year old male....it's not that I lack confidence, because I am good at husbanding, fathering and my career. But, I am learning that sometimes keeping the peace for the long term means a short time of tension or conflict.<P>I am in a 2 income marriage, too. This makes things very difficult for managing the kids and household. Both my wife and I are pressed for time; so, we are learning how to share in managing our home and caring for the kids. I get the kids to school in the morning, then go to work. She gets them after school (she is a teacher) and gets dinner ready. When I get home, we eat and I do the dishes. She gives the baths and I dry the hair. Now, she puts them down because they like her singing better than mine!<P>Now, this has taken us several years to work out....the next step is taking care of the house work....yuck! But, I am learning that this too has to be shared....(see men can learn).<P>Now with all of that rambling, you're wondering what in the heck is he trying to say.....<P>Well, you need to confront your wife in a non-threating way and be totally honest with her....telling her you need her help with the home, kids and errands. If she says "no" push her gently for the reason "why" she said no. Don't let her get a way with the "past sins". If she does bring the "sins" up, tell her you've been improving and learned you lesson with the skis....but, then remind her that you've been punished enough and that you need her help.<P>This may take months to get across to her...like bmybaby said "give her time." But, don't stop trying to communicate with her in a loving way. BTW, you could also add that you are tired of the power play at home and will not play that game any more. Or just don't allow yourself to get caught up in the struggle.<P>Really, I understand where you are....it is tough. I work with 2 women who could be you wife (from what you have described). And, I am so thankful I'm not either of their husbands. Actually, both are divorced and I pitty their next husbands because they are control freaks in any relationship.<P>I wish you the best with your marriage and hope you have a good holiday weekend.<P>Hang in There!<P>Scott

Thanks for your very thoughtful reply. I will give your advice a try. All of this has really boiled to the surface after the arrival of the second child 4 years ago. Like you and your wife, it may take us several years of adjustment.