My husband attended the Marriage Builders Seminar this weekend. I was not able to go. <P>He came back yesterday very enthusiastic, and we made a plan on starting to go through all the materials together. <P>Saturday while he was gone, I baked 3 different cakes for him. I enjoy baking, I enjoy trying new recipes and I know he loves eating it. Of course, 3 cakes just for the 3 of us is too much. In the past, he has always taken some in to work, I take some in every now and then, not as often as he does.<P>I was very very happy last night because I thought that he had learned alot at this seminar and he was ready to work at US.<P>This morning, I mentioned taking some of the cake in to work. When I came down the stairs, he said to me "you can take it all to work". My heart stopped, at first I didn't think I heard him right. I asked him again, what he had said, and he repeated himself. I could tell, he had changed into the "angry" mode. I began crying and asked him why. He said that I should not tell him that I baked him the cakes if I take them in to work, that means he is not special and on the same level as my co-workers, that makes him just another co-worker. AGain, I said, I made it for you, what is wrong with me taking some to work, you do it too. I also asked if I wasn't supposed to have given my parents some the day before, he said that was different. <P>He also said that I did a "Love Buster". He said this right when he said "take it all to work". What did I do????? I didn't do anything disprespectful by wanting to take some cake to work, I didn't do anything dishonest. If I hurt his feelings, I didn't even know I was doing it. I have been doing this for 4 years now, and he has never said a word. I alos told him, I enjoy giving, and sharing. I am not taking anything from him, there is more than enough. <P>I don't want to bake anything ever again, that is how bad he made me feel this morning.

I hope you get some good POJA responses on your problem. My first response is to tell him to grow up.<P>

I can't believe he attended the seminar and all he took from it was how to manipulate the MB principles to make you feel bad.<P>Why would he say something that mean and spiteful? Does he always get angry like that at small things? My H does.<P>Tell us more.<P>H

I disagree witht the other posts in that the point of MB is too strengthen the marriage bond and open up the line of communications. Now your husband could have been more gentle in his approach in suggesting that you make him feel "less than" when you take baked goods you made for him to work, but, nonetheless, that is how he feels. He gave you an opportunity to identify his need to feel appreciated, and, the last four years he has probably never said anything because he didn't know how to or was afraid of the confrontation that occured when he did finally mention it.<P>Don't stop baking cakes, your husband likes them! But do prepare a cake especially for him that says "Your a wonderful Man" or something to make him feel special and respected-Men need that! And also, SUMBIT, sounds like you are headstrong and don't take criticisms well-I know because I was the same way-but men don't like argumentative women, they like submissive, compliant wives. That doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be walked on, but choose your battles wisely.<P>

I have overreacted before. And, while I can't guess what made your husband do angry, I can tell you what made *me* so upset. This may offer a little insight.<P>My husband is really big into electronics. Sometimes he will go out and buy things for "us" or for "me" that we really can't afford. I enjoy those things, too. But I wouldn't spend money on them when the money is better used somewhere else.<P>Suppose H brings home a new video game. He comes home with it, very excited and says, "Look what I got for us! I know you are going to love it!" I instantly get angry--and this is why:<P>I think H is using *me* as an excuse to buy things he doesn't need. I feel like he is just saying "for us" in an attempt to get me to not be angry at him for spending money on himself frivolously. I feel like I'm being manipulated. And it's not even like I would try to stop him from buying a new video game if I knew it would make him really happy. I just want him to admit that he's doing it for himself.<P>Now--just suppose that your husband felt like you really didn't make those cakes "just for him" at all. He does like to eat cakes, yes. But you love to bake anyway. And you enjoy sharing cake with your friends and co-workers. How is this all about H?<P>Of course, I could be way off. And I believe that *I* and perhaps your H are being unreasonable in this situation. But I agree with the previous suggestion that you should make a cake "just for him" in his favorite flavors and colors. And, if he has a sense of humor, you might want to put his name all over it. :-)<BR>

bmtbaby--<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>men don't like argumentative women, they like submissive, compliant wives. That doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be walked on, but choose your battles wisely<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's rather contradictory in terms. What battle is a "submissive" W going to try to win?<P>Laura<P>

Lucky,<P>By "battle" I mean if your H does something that goes against your morals, values, or beliefs, then that is the time to stand up and be heard. However, in dealing with my own H I have found that men like to feel in control, and it is hard for that to happen when they have a wife who argues because he left the top off the toothpaste, or because he hung out too late the other night, etc. Choose your battles wisely!