I am not sure where to start. I have looked on the net for people with a similar problems in forums etc... But I havn't seen anyone with a similar problem. I married my husband a year ago in July. I should have known better at the time but I didn't think it would be a problem. The thing is, he bought his moms house from her a few years ago and there deal was that she could stay and live there as long as she was still alive. When I first moved in she at least went bowling once a week, now she never leaves the house, if she does its when we are at work and she will make a run to the store. Although he bought the house it was hers for 30 years prior and everything is how she has had it for years.She in other words monopolizes the living room and watches what she wants too on TV blah blah blah, if we ask her we can listen to music *sigh*. I was finally a few months back able to make a deal where I could cook dinner at least a few times a week. Its been difficult because prior to this I had my own home (a 13 yr marriage) and I could do as I wanted. She knows everything in our personal life down to finances etc. He doesnt seem to understand and it irritates me having no privacy whatsoever, I feel what we discuss between ourselves should be personal. She has a seat in the house where she knows what ever we do. We in fact mainly live in the bedroom while she has ther rest of the house. My husband was kind enough to get my things from storage but most of them are still in the garage in boxes.Im at a lost . I try to be patient but I dont like it that she knows everything and he lets her know everything we discuss and argue about I hope there is someone out there that can relate to my situation. And if there are any improvements dont to the house he goes to her first. I ask myself why am I even there . I feel like a visitor. maybe Im selfish for thinking that I wan't to give ourselves a chance to have a home of our own .. I don't know .. maybe Im nuts!!

Hi Greeneyes,<P>There was a person here Yuki Miaka who had a similar problem. She was quite young and they were living with her in-laws, it was not a happy situation. <P>I have lived with my in-laws for brief periods during my husband's extended field work, but it was always clear that it was a very temporary thing.<P>I really have no good suggestions, just some questions. Is there anyway the house could be modified so there would be separate living areas, at least a sort of den for the two of you? Can you afford to move into a small apartment with your husband? What about saying the house is too small, selling that one and getting something better suited to separate living?<P>I sympathize, you are effectively a long-term house guest and it is not a role I would fit into easily and I have one of the best mothers-in-law in existance.<P>Hope you get some real suggestions.<P>Take care.<p>[This message has been edited by hanora (edited November 20, 2000).]

Dear hanora,<BR>Thank you for replying. I have thought about these things too. The house really can't be modified unfortunately. Once or twice my husband hasn't come out directly but has stated to her that in the field that he is in he could be making like 5 dollars more in the state next to us, and she just gets all upset and say in a not nice way * just do what you want then* but in the way shes saying it you know she doesn't mean it. I think her thing is she just doesn't want to be alone. But I don't feel its his responsibility to be her companion. He has another sister even in our town that rarely comes over and an older brother that will pop in once in awhile for lunch to see her. And as for getting another house, I have thought about this but shes been in this one about 30 years, and she won't leave it. I wish it could be that easily solved, thats why I am not sure what to do. My husband says he loves me and that I am his life but I think in a way he will always be tied to her apron strings no matter what I do and show him that I love him more then anyone in this world. He states that she has always been there for him (which isn't even true) because before he bought her house he was on his own and he told me at that time that she never even called him but like one time. So I don't know. I try and just deal with it and I think it will go away my feelings about this but it just doesn't. Thank you for writting though and the suggestions, I wish that something like this could be done. GreenEyes

Hi,<P>Although I don't live with my MIL, I understand your frustration with the privacy issues. My husband is not close at all to his mother, in fact, he has been hurt by her so much that he would rather not have anything to do with her, or at least very little. We live in a small town with her, and she is very controlling, selfish, and obnoxious to just about everyone who knows her. My husband talks to his father sometimes about what goes on in our home, and he turns around and blabs it to my husband's mother, so she always knows what's going on. I can't stand to be around her, but when she does come over, I am cordial and courteous to her, but anticipate the time when she will leave.<P>One thing I do know is that if you continue to harp on your husband about his closeness to his mother, it will only prove to separate you from him even more. Your MIL does sound starved for companionship, and it sounds like your husband is a "mama's boy", so you have to take it in stride and avoid any confrontations with your husband about him talking to his mother about your personal issues, because it will put a strain on your relationship and make things even more unhappy (trust me, been there done that)! If you don't have job, get one and start saving for an apartment or home nearby your MIL, assure your husband that it will be for the best and that you both can go and visit "mom" anytime and she can come and visit anytime, and emphasize how much more freedom and sex you both can have if you had more privacy!! Are there kids involved?

The old rock and a hard place.<P>Well "baby" was right, no point in harping on him being a mama's boy. How able is your mother-in-law? If she can go bowling she can't be too decrepit. Doesn't seem like she really needs the live-in help.<P>She appears a manipulative woman, encourage you husband to go get the better job. Don't discuss it with her. He made a deal with her so is obligated to keep it but not obligated to be a companion. <P> Actually this situation is not to her advantage, it allows her to avoid making friends of her own age and circumstances.<BR>Friends that could be a source of more real companionship than relying on a son and daughter-in-law.<P>Maybe presenting it that way to your husband would help. <P>Take care.

<B>GreenEyes_39:</B><P>If you're still here, could you answer this thread? I don't know if you still here because this thread was made almost a month ago. Please answer, I need to talk to you.<P>Miaka

Hello Miaki,<BR>Yes I am still here....

Hi, GreenEyes, I'm finally able to write you back. The reason why I had to talk to you because I read your story and it sounds so much like mine. You see, I live with my husband's family (I know, bad mistake and I'm paying for it dearly). We've been married for 3 years now, but I've been living with his family for 4 years. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The thing is, he bought his moms house from her a few years ago and there deal was that she could stay and live there as long as she was still alive.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So you probably realize that this was a mistake letting her live with you, right? This is coming from someone who has lived with my husband's parents for the past 4 years and if it wasn't for God, my pastor, and the people here telling me to work on myself, I think I probably would've destroyed my relationship with everybody in that house, including my husband and my son.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She in other words monopolizes the living room and watches what she wants too on TV blah blah blah, if we ask her we can listen to music *sigh*.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My husband's mother's favorite thing to do is sit in the living room near the stairs (our bedroom is right next to the stairs) and listen for me and my husband talking or listen to see if my son's crying.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She knows everything in our personal life down to finances etc. He doesnt seem to understand and it irritates me having no privacy whatsoever, I feel what we discuss between ourselves should be personal. She has a seat in the house where she knows what ever we do.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unfortunately, as much as you don't want to hear this, that is basically her house, at least in her mind it is. As long as she's living with you (just like we're living with my husband's family), she's going to know <B>all</B> your business. That doesn't necessarily mean that you tell her, that means that as long as she's there, she's going to ask your husband about everything you and your husband do. Unfortunately, that's the way it is. <P>I have not learned to accept this idea, but I've learned to <I>tolerate</I> to a point where it doesn't bother me like it use to (ask HurtButCoping, I used to whine something awful about my husband's mother). In turn, this is helping me to "see" her side of things. <P>For the longest time, I didn't care about anything she thought, all I knew is that she was all in my business and she's was always trying to take over. Since then, I've come to realize that there's two sides to every story. She says I hurt her, I say she hurt me. Who wins? Nobody. I've just learned to be "nice", you know, be me and it's working a lot better than anything else.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I dont like it that she knows everything and he lets her know everything we discuss and argue about </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, let's just say you didn't have the misfortune of hearing the "truth" as I did about sons and mothers. I will try to explain it the best way I can according to how it was explained to me. <P>First and foremost, it was stressed that no matter what that's my husband's mother and that he's NEVER going to choose me over her. <P>Second of all, it was stressed that men are going to talk to their mothers about everything. I used to sit there and wonder how she knew every argument we had, it was because afterwards, my husband would act like he was going downstairs to get something to drink and he would run and tell his mother everything. And when I was at work (I work 5 days a week and leave the house at 6:30am and come back at 5pm to 5:30pm) and he was off or didn't have to go to work until later, he would sit down there and tell our whole life story. Anything she wanted to know, he would tell her.<P>Third, it was stressed that no matter what I do, he's always going to talk to his mother. It was also stressed that I shouldn't stop him from talking to her either. Even if somehow I managed to stop him from talking to her at home (I wouldn't do this), she's still call him at work and talk to him or go up there. So, see? It's better to just let them talk.<P>I've also learned (and this may not work for you, but don't do it because I did it) that some things, like minor stuff (ex. what I talk about with my SIL, what I do at church, etc.) is really none of their business <B>ONLY BECAUSE</B> just like I don't ask what him and his family talk about (I already know), he doesn't need to know what me and my family talk about. It's like this, if he's got his family as his support, why can't I have my family as support? I'm not doing it to be sneaky or anything like that, but I don't want things going on and my family not know what's happening with me while his family knows everything that's happnening.<P>Right now, as it stands, the two of us are not yet "one flesh" becasue as long as we're living with his mother, he's never going to grow up and I will never be "free". One day, God is going to change all that and that day, we will be a family, just me, my husband, and my son.<P>Lately, I've been asking her if she needs any help and offering to do things for her. I've been doing this because I want to be "good" for a change and also that my husband and his mother don't have "ammunition" against me. I mean, what can he say if I'm helping her out? I figure this way, she can't really complain too much because if I'm trying my hardest to be nice in spite of the hell I've been through, then it starts to make her look bad and she doesn't want that!<P>Your husband is obviously a family man or otherwise he wouldn't be helping his mother so much, right? Well, just to let you know, don't do anything to stop him from helping his mother or he will resent you and start to turn away from you. Take it from one who's been there, I almost lost my husband because of that.<P>All I can say is be nice to her and your husband also. It's sad that it has to be this way for you and me, but one of days, I will be free. You should tell your husband about wanting to live by yourselves (just you and him). I believe he wanted his mother there because he feels sorry for her, as does my husband.<P>All I can say is be kind, I know it's hard but it has to be done.<P>Hope that helps,<BR>Miaka

Dear Miaki,<BR>Thank you so much for your post. You are right, and as I was reading I can tell that your situation was like mine a-lot. I will heed your advice because your right about me complaining to my husband it just makes him more bitter towards me and I don't want that. Eventually I guess we will have our own place, I just wish that she would understand being a woman that a couple does need there space sometime but I know that will never happen. Hindsight as they say.. but I can only deal with the situation at hand now the best that I can. Thanks again for replying, it did help a-lot. (( hugs))<BR>GreenEyes

I am new on the forum board, please correct me if I make a mistake. As for my situation, I can only say ditto to everything. We've been married the last 6 years, together for nearly 10. My H has always been hateful towards my family to the point of driving them off, and until recently, his family was hateful towards me and another other in-laws that showed up in it (I now know divorce, illigitimacy and affairs run rampant in it). After many years of struggling, our marriage was finally making progress, even where the in-laws were concerned.<P>However, we were forced to move after rising living costs and lowering wages where we were became too much. I wasn't happy about having to move to the same town, much less the same house, but it was only supposed to be temporary until H was settled into his new job, we found an apartment, and I found a job--which with the better job market, wouldn't have taken long. The problem with MIL isn't so much problem with MIL, however; rather, like yours, problem is with H. MIL and I were getting along for the first time ever until H opened the door for her abuse by abusing me in front of her. Nothing between us is sacred anymore and he encourages and participates in every abuse and bad habit they both use to do and have picked up new that took so long to overcome. He cut me off from my family (now most are deceased), left me too mentally and emotionally mangled to manage a higher-paying-higher-pressure job, left me playing housefrau to both of these slobs, and now threatens divorce me and leave me stranded any time I complain. If any of you come up with a solution, please let me know.