I don't know quite where to begin. My husband and I have been married for 2 years after living together for 3. My husband and I have a good relationship with exception to his mother. She dislikes me, for one...and makes no secret of it. I've quit trying to figure out why because it's just the way it is. I've always been courteous towards her. It bothers me very much that my husband not only allows this woman to speak to me degradingly but sticks up for her as well. She is very pushy, loud and rude...to put it delicately. To make a long story short: she recently wrote a letter to my husband which made me out to be all problems. I cannot live like this. My husband has a hard time standing up to her...he would rather avoid the problem and insists that she and I hash it out. I wrote a letter, finally, explaining to her our boundaries and what she can and can't expect from us. I also explained that the negative attitude she seems to have toward me is not acceptable. Well, it's been over a week now and no mention of my letter. She is continuing on as if I don't exist. She simply took to calling my husband at work. <P>We are expecting a baby soon. I don't know what to do. This woman has made it clear about how she thinks about me. How are we supposed to raise a healthy family among all this negativity? I'm having a great deal of stress over this. We are even considering moving away. I just wish that my husband would stand by me and not cower as soon as she calls him next time.<P>Hope this all makes sense. I have a lot to vent. <P>Nikk

First of all, your husband needs to get a backbone. I know this from experience. I have only been married a short time but have put up with my husbands parents for 4 years now. I have more of a problem with his father. No matter how many times I told the man to not talk to me the way he was, it didn't stop until my husband "caught" him doing it(he would always wait until husband walked out of the room to say horrible things to me). Who knows what's wrong with them, I have never done anything but love their son completly and treat him better then any of his past relationships. In fact, an exgirlfriend that cheated on him twice is one of his fathers favorite people. You can talk until your blue in the face to that woman but it is your husbands place to defend his wife. In our premarital counseling our minister described it to my husband as he is leaving his family(so to speak) and cleaving to make a new one consisting of him and I. I liked the way he put it and it is absolutely correct. He should have no problem in the world putting you first.

Thank you for your response. I agree with what your minister said...it makes total sense. Ordinarily my husband is a very strong person, but when it comes to his mom...I wonder if he's worried whether or not he'll "be sent to his room" or something. I wish there was a way for me to help him see that he needs to stand up to her, that this is his problem too. The way he puts it...he feels he's done nothing wrong and so it's not his problem. (I think he realizes otherwise, he just doesn't want to deal with it.)<P>I can relate to what you said about ex-girlfriends. Only with my MIL, she didn't like any of them either at the time...it's simply convenient to make comparisons. I don't think she would like anyone that my husband chose to be with. I so very much relate to "you can talk to that woman until your blue in the face but it is your husbands place to defend his wife." It's so true. It really needs to come from him. <P>Thanks again;<BR>Nikk

I can definitely relate to your situation-and I only have one piece of advice: GIVE UP NOW!! Your MIL is a lot like mine-controlling, obnoxious, rude, and deceitful. Although my husband sees these qualities in his mother, it wasn't until I gave up trying to get him to see what a horrible person she was, that our marriage relationship got better. The more you harp and nag at your husband about defending you and standing up to your MIL, the more you allow your MIL to control your relationship! Think about it, if your MIL is anything like mine, she is probably waiting for the day that you are out of her son's life so that she can play a bigger, more supreme role in his life. If you are arguing with your husband over how your MIL makes you feel, I know you are because I did too, you are causing confusion and havoc in your home which is drawing you and your husband farther apart.<P>From now on, complain about your MIL to everybody EXCEPT YOUR HUSBAND! that is his mother and he may never be able to tell her off, and it isn't fair for you to expect him too. If you are going to have a son, think about the type of daughter-in-law you would want, and be that. Kindness will kill a person, figuratively speaking, and if you continue to be kind and pleasant with his mother, even though you can't stand her guts, you will be rewarded by your husband seeing you as the "bigger person". When she really pisses you off, send her a card ORbuy her a gift and let your husband see it and sign the card, this will make you look sooo wonderful to your husband, and make your MIL look the fool. <P>Don't try to turn your husband against his mother, instead, do what you can to keep the lines of communication open with your husband and his parents because it will definitely affect your marriage and your child-for good.<BR>I speak from experience!!!<p>[This message has been edited by bmtbaby (edited November 28, 2000).]

<B>Nikk:</B><P>I'm in this situation that you speak of, except mine's is a little different. You see, my husband's the same way. He <B>WILL NOT</B> stick up for me if his family says something about him. That's just the way he is and I've come to accept it. On the other hand, I've stuck up for him <B>MANY</B> times in my mother's face because of the way she treated him. I don't get that kind of treatment from him. I'm sorry to say this, but your husband is a lot like mine, they don't want to grow up. <P>You see, my husband is what you call a "mommy's boy". He's forever hanging on his mother's aprion strings and he's hanging on for dear life. I don't think he'll ever truly let go unless his mother is totally out of the picture....I know that's not going to happen. <P>My husband's mother was also quite mean to me too. She used to tell me things like she wished that my husband married someone of his race (my husband and I are of two different races). That was in the beginning, but now, she doesn't say things like that to my face. She probably says them to my husband. <P>My husband's mother is the same way, she claims she's a "quiet" person, but in fact her voice is the only voice I hear constantly in this house (yes, I live with them, big mistake and even worse). I'm pretty sure she told my husband that I'm nothing but problems and that he deserves better. Well, for awhile, I wasn't helping the situation, but now I am. But still, I don't think things are quite right. <P>If I were you, I would be careful with your baby. If she's carrying on like this and he's even in the world yet, then she will get worse when he's born. If she's like my husband's mother, she will accept the baby, but not you. Everything will always include her son and your baby, but not you. <P>It seems to me that the reason that your husband doesn't stand to her in your defense is because he's afraid of his mother. He wants to please her and you, but as it stands, his mother his a stronger influence over him right now. You have to understand that if he won't stick up for you, then he's not going to. I accepted a long time ago that my husband will never stick up for me, I stick up for myself. <P>All I can say is that you have to be careful about what you write/say to her. I understand that you don't like the way she treats you and that's fine, but in order for you not to give her more "ammunition", you must be careful how you word things. I'm only saying this because your husband is also watching how you treat his mother. If he thinks that you're being mean to her (not saying that you are), then he will side with his mother against you. I've had that happen to me and it's not pretty. I almost had a nervous breakdown if it wasn't for God and my church family. It's not fun to have your husband <B>AND</B> his whole entire family against you while living in the same house. Please be careful of what you say and do around here and don't give either one of them ammunition against you.<P>Miaka