Well this is the first time I have really talked about this, so this may be kinda weird. I have been married for a year now. We have no children, and both have jobs that we have to travel for. My husband has problems controling his temper, there are so many situations I could talk about, but no one thing that screems abuse. We both call each other names, his seem to sting a lot more, they pull towards a past he thinks I had, We have both talked about divorce, and we both are scarred of it. This morning it started again, he was late, we both work out at different places in the morning, and I had to wait for 1/2 hour, which isn't much but I had 45 mintues to change and get to work. Well I wasn't happy but he blew it way out of reality, to make a long story short, things are boarder line violent, and I don't know what to do....

Is he willing to work with you to make a better marriage? Or are you going to have to start this alone? Do you have the Lovebusters book by Dr. Harley? <P>Sounds like you could both use some anger management counseling. There is some help out there for you to learn and get the skills to better control your own behavior.<P>Here is what I posted to Yuki Miaka the other day:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Actually Jeff, it may be our emotional life that is the MOST similar to other mammals and even reptiles. The rational/cognitive functions are the higher levels of operation that distinguish humanity.<BR>The cerebral cortex part of the brain has three layers. The innermost is the basic survival functions. We share the structure with other vertebrates and it is commonly called the "reptilian" brain. Over that layer is the "mammalian" brain. There are finer degrees of emotion, more thought and strategy possible due to the greater complexity. The biggest part of the brain includes the huge frontal lobes. This is the Homo Sapiens part. Rational thought, artistry, and all higher functions are centered here. <P>What happens in an angry outburst is that the reptilian brain, the most core and most primitive part of the brain gets driven into an adrenaline sort of fight/flight response. Once that happens we say that the whole brain has been "Hijacked" by the reptilian brain and you need to take 20 minutes at least to calm down, let the hormones fade, and get your higher functions back in control.<P>Miaka: The way through the emotional heaps of crap and roller coasters of life is through the rational mind. You are correct in that assessment. <P>The mental process of detachment that may help you involves not squelching or denying the emotion, but acknowledging it, validating it to yourself, and then dealing with it.<P>After you have correctly identified the emotion, and its antecedents, you have to self-soothe. Calm yourself by whatever practices work for you at the time. <P>Once you are calmed down and can think logically again, then you can use logic to rise above the feeling. Put the trigger event into perspective. Work out alternative ways of dealing with the events and emotions. Make a plan for next time.<P>Imagery helps a lot. So do platitudes. I have a good sized stock of favorite quotes that help me through trigger events. One is from Dr. Laura: The moon is not bothered by the baying of wolves. That is a good image for detaching from other peoples emotional outbursts.<P>Hope this helps. Counselling really can help train you in the practice of self-soothing and redirecting your thinking to better deal with emotions.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Blessings!<P>Karenna<P><BR>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.<P>