I'm new here with a problem I'd like help resolving. Sometimes it seems to me like my husband's job is his private "other" life. We've been married for 5 years. He works for a large corporation and has been there over 20 years. I've never been to visit him at work (you need a pass to get in) and we never go to any "family" type functions at his place of work. He says they don't have them any more and none of the social functions include spouses. They have a large Christmas party at an elegant banquet facility with a buffet, bar and dancing but spouses are "discouraged" from attending. The company provides this free to employee but charges for spouses so my husband says no one brings their spouse. They also have various other "outings" during the year -- barbeques, retirement parties, etc. but again spouses do not attend. I can also usually figure out when he's gone out to lunch with his group because he's not around at lunch time and I can tell he's had a few drinks when he gets home. I do not believe that my husband is doing anything unfaithful, but considering that he does work with women and actually did most of his dating with co-workers before we met and married I wish he wouldn't appear so secretive. He's gone 10-12 hours a day at work and I feel that his need to keep his work life so private from me could potentially cause problems in the future. I guess I'm feeling bad today because he was clearly going out for a Christmas lunch with co-workers but when I tried to provide him with opportunities just to be honest about it he chose to pretend he wasn't. And he has been overly nice to me the past couple of days (bringing me home treats/flowers--he rarely does this) and is acting kind of suspiciously. I would not be mad at him if he told me the truth. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

I know this may seem kind of drastic, but can you hire a private investigator? Maybe just "on call" for those times when you are feeling this feeling?<P>Or is it possible for you to do some double-checking....steathily? It certainly does sound a bit suspicious.<P>From my own experience, I could tell the minute my husband started having an e-mail relationship with his co-worker. I NEVER thought I had good sense when it came to stuff like that, because I trust him so completely. But, darn it, I could tell something was weird about him. I tried to chalk it up to my own insecurity, but after doing some checking (found e-mails on our home computers....not ever hidden!).....I found evidence that it WASN'T me, it was really happening.<P>I'm not saying that is what's happening with your H. But I think you have the right to "check up" on him if you are feeling uncomfortable, esp. if you still feel this way after talking to him AND esp. if you KNOW a work event is happening, but he misleads you into thinking it's not....if there's nothing to find...then you will actually feel better, knowing that he has been honest all these months. And it will help you "tune" your sense of this type of thing.<P>But if there is something to find, then you can deal with it and you'll know that you can trust you...and your senses.<P>Anyway, I wish you the best. I think you've got to find some way to check your suspicions. I hope you DON'T find anything.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>