I've been married 26 years and recently found out that my Husband sexually abused my younger sister 15 years ago and my Mother and other siblings knew about it but didn't tell me until just before Christmas. She was 13 and the abuse lasted a few years during which time she did not tell anyone and did not make an effort to stop the abuse, nor did she or my husband even talk about it as it was happening. I am working to forgive and understand him, and our marriage is surviving. My sister, however, is unwilling to speak to my husband and is insisting that he not be invited into my mother's home. Since my children don't know about this, it is creating lots of problems for me and my immediate family. My husband has offered to go to my sister's therapy to allow her to confront him, but she refuses. I am caught between a sister that needs help, and a family that needs to be secure, and a husband who needs to be forgiven.

I am sure that your husband thinks he needs to be forgiven but I also think that your husband should have gone to jail. I don't mean to be cruel but why should he be forgiven?

well, bryanp, i didn't give all the details. you see, he did not do anything but touch her buttocks. It never went any farther than that. And she allowed it to happen over and over again without stopping it. She was, I believe, past the age of knowing right from wrong,at age 13, NOT that it was right of him to touch her. he knows that. i appreciate your response, but it did nothing to help me solve the conflict that exists between me and my family.

You probably don't know me, but there's some things you just said bother me a great deal.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>And she allowed it to happen over and over again without stopping it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First off, please tell me you <B>DO NOT</B> believe what you just wrote here!!!!! Please tell me it isn't so! If so, this has to be the WORST case of insensitivity I've ever seen! How can you say something like this?????? Abuse of any form is not ANYBODY'S fault!!!! I'm telling you this because I know what it's like to be abused, I was abused as a child, but did I allow it to happen? No, I was scared and under control. I was brainwashed into thinking that if I told bad things would happen to me. Did it ever occur to you that maybe it's NOT your sister's fault????<P>It makes me sick when people blame the person who's been abused....is it easier for you to accept that your sister "allowed" it to happen than to accept that maybe your husband shouldn't have been anywhere near her????<P>According to what you just said, is it right to think that if a man rapes a woman that she "allowed" it to happen?<P>Please tell me I'm over-reacting....please...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She was, I believe, past the age of knowing right from wrong,at age 13, NOT that it was right of him to touch her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Age shouldn't even matter here. There are people in this world who have been abused from the crib on up. It doesn't matter if they're 2 or 50, abuse is still abuse and that's not the victim's fault!<P>Excuse me for sounding mad, but your post and tone of voice really stuck me as odd, it's if you're sticking up for him to alleviate your own pain. It seems to me that you don't want to deal with your sister. It's obviously she doesn't want your husband around her, which is good. For all you know, he could abuse her again.<P>If I were you, I would quit trying to take sides. You can't make either one of them happy. What's done is done <B>BUT</B> your sister is still your sister and <B>this isn't her fault!!!!!</B> She didn't "allow" anything to happen! According to what you said, your husband invaded her personal space and she is uncomfortable. She shouldn't be made to feel more uncomfortable by having to have to interact with your husband. If a woman was raped, I don't think she would want be around the person that raped her, it's common sense. Her trust was violated and having your husband in the same room with her or house or whatever is not helping the situation either.<P>From what you wrote, I wouldn't be too surprised if your sister tells you one day that she feels betrayed by you. It seems as though you're not only disregarding her, but your placing the blame on her also. Not good.<P>Well, I hope for your sake you find a way to be supportive of your sister with what she's gone thru and stop bringing your husband around her.<P>Miaka<P>PS Ditto to what Bryanp said, he should've gone to jail.<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited January 02, 2001).]

Esther,<P>Welcome to MB. I see you are new and I'm sorry for the pain you are in.<P>Dealing with your h's infidelity by itself involves so many things. I would suggest you go to the Just found out and General questions and post there.<P>It may have happened a long time ago, but the pain is new.<P>But your situation is different. There is not an OW, a grown woman that your h had consensual relations with.<P>He molested a child and I'm glad you at least recognize it as abuse even though you later try to hold her equally responsible. She was a child.<P>There would be so many questions in my mind to try to *settle* things with the family.<P>Why did they tell you now?<P>If it was *only* fondling her for years (or even once), it is true in most states that she could prosecute him for the crime. Don't be too quick to defend him.<P>The other question in any infidelity and more so here, is why did he do this? Was she the only one? How can you know? Most men who abuse children do not stop with one.<P>If you don't really believe your sister was a victim, read up on abuse or talk to a counsellor. You are hurting her and yourself by blaming her. If you hate her for a situation where she was the victim, you also are betraying her. Only truth will set you free.<P>She has every right to choose not to have to be around him. You would need to find a way to work around it so you can be around your parents. Are you SURE he has never touched your children???<P>You are in a tough place. Do you believe in prayer?

Dear Esther:<P>Has your H apologized to your sister and tried to make amends? Other than offering to allow her to confront him in therapy? <P>I echo Yuki Miaka's opinion. A 13 year old has no power. She "allowed" the fondling because she was a confused child. Maybe it even felt good. But enjoying a sensation from a hand on your body isn't the same as consenting. <P>Why are you rushing to "forgive" your husband? Has he been repentant toward you, expressed remorse and shame, and asked forgiveness?<P>I'm curious as to why your mother and siblings kept this secret to themselves for so many years. Why weren't they anxious to protect that child and accuse your husband? What was going on in the intervening years? How does your mother feel about all this, and what does she think about it?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Dear Bellvue and Schizzo,<BR>thank you for responding to my post. There is a lot of stuff about my sister that i simply left out of the post because I didn't realize that I could type that much info on one post.<BR>My family did not tell me about my sister because they were afraid I would leave my husband, and our first born child is mentally and physically handicapped and has a seizure disorder. They knew that I needed my family to stay together in order to raise my daughter. I also have 2 other daughters. My Husband has never touched them. How do I know this? Because we are going to therapy and we are both being honest about everything as best we can. He has offered to tell them what he did in front of me and have them respond with the truth. I figure if he is willing to to this, he doesn't have anything to hide.<BR>My sister has had emotional troubles all her life. My Mother has had a very hard time raising her. she was a late baby, born when my Mother was 40. She has always had trouble with lying, and my Mother has told me about all the things she lied about. This is not to say that she is lying about what happened with my husband, or to admit that what he did was not morally wrong. he knows this. He offered then and has offered again to do whatever she wishes--to go to her therapist with her or to simply talk to her and let her yell and scream or whatever she wants. She will not answer anyone, and won't speak to my Parents. She has been in therapy for 12 years and is not getting any better. She even spoke to my Husband and came to family functions for 15 years. It was right before Christmas that she decided to tell me. <BR>The story she tells now about the abuse is different from the one she told 15 years ago according to my Mother. In fact, my Mother says that she doesn't believe my sister's story can be totally accurate because of all the lying in the past.<BR>My husband is not a child molester. He was a very immature man at 23 when we married and had lots of religious hang-ups and family hang-ups from the time he was a small child. I did not know about this stuff then. And I had a multiply handicapped child to deal with at age 23, so I could not possibly work on my marriage or my husband's problems. He is in therapy now to deal with his guilt and to learn how to make amends to the people he has hurt. I'm hoping that he will not try to commit suicide, as he has told me several times that he wishes he could do that. It's the depression.<BR>In many ways, I'm sorry I posted my story, incomplete as it was, because several people can not understand why I "defend" him. I do not defend him or what he did. I HATE what he did. but I do not hate him. He is, believe it or not, a wonderful man. He has bad stuff like the rest of us. And for 15 years after the bad deed, he worked hard to improve our marriage, which is the reason I have decided to work things out.<BR>I think that some people have trouble with boundaries, and my husband was one of them. In his immaturity, he was flattered by several young women's advances toward him. He succumbed to the pleasure of the moment, without thinking about anyone or anything else. Until it was too late. <BR>I do appreciate your thoughts. but the bottom line is, when you love someone and they love you, the love doesn't just die because you want it to. And I love my husband.<BR>My sister was not at fault. And I love her as well and want nothing more than to have her heal. If it takes keeping my husband away from her for the rest of her life, we will do it. It will probably destroy my immediate family to do that. I don't know, maybe someday........

Hello <B>Esther</B>. You probably won't respond to me, but I'm going to ask you a few things anyway.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My Husband has never touched them. How do I know this? Because we are going to therapy and we are both being honest about everything as best we can.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Really, how to you <B>honestly</B> know this? Just because he's going to therapy with you and everything <B>does not</B> mean he's being honest! One of my abusers goes to therapy, does that mean she's not ever going to do anything to me or my son? <B>NO!</B> I do not trust her as far as I can see (without my glasses, which isn't far) and just because she goes to therapy doesn't mean she's being honest. <P>Come to think of it, that particular abuser of mine said the <B>EXACT</B> same things your husband said! She offers to this day for me to come and yell at her and tell her off, but you can't force anybody to be around someone that hurt them, you just can't. You see what I mean? You can't exactly take what your husband said as the absolute truth, he has to <B>prove</B> himself and going to therapy isn't enough!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I figure if he is willing to to this, he doesn't have anything to hide.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wrong, one of my abusers also said this, but she almost tried to hurt my child if it wasn't for other people around her. <P>You need to understand that what gives abusers their power is secrecy (sp?) and control. You say your mother and your siblings were the ones to let you know and they knew for 15 years. What about your husband? <B>He did this to her so why couldn't he tell you for 15 years???</B><P>Forgive me for sounding angry, but you have to understand that it wasn't your sister's fault. Your husband knew better. You say he was 23 and she was 13. She was a MINOR and he KNOWS that he's not suppose to do something like that!<P>This next part is something I don't like:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My sister has had emotional troubles all her life. My Mother has had a very hard time raising her. she was a late baby, born when my Mother was 40. She has always had trouble with lying, and my Mother has told me about all the things she lied about. This is not to say that she is lying about what happened with my husband, or to admit that what he did was not morally wrong. he knows this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Can you see from what your wrote here is that you're actually looking for excuses to side with your husband??? It seems to me as though you're still blaming her, correct me if I'm wrong. <P>You know, I had emotional problems too as a child and I lied a lot. Does that make what happened to me more my fault than my abusers? NO! I was a child just as your sister was, but younger and they took from me just as your husband took from your sister. Sure, your sister has emotional problems and stuff like that, but this added to it.<P>I'm also getting the feeling that you're adding all this stuff in about your sister to sway our opinions to yours. It doesn't matter a person's background, <B>NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED!</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He offered then and has offered again to do whatever she wishes--to go to her therapist with her or to simply talk to her and let her yell and scream or whatever she wants.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If he's offering to do whatever she wishes than why won't he respect her one wish to stay away from her?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She will not answer anyone, and won't speak to my Parents. She has been in therapy for 12 years and is not getting any better. She even spoke to my Husband and came to family functions for 15 years. It was right before Christmas that she decided to tell me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, from what you tell me about you and your family, honestly, I wouldn't speak to any of you. It's obvious that you guys didn't support her because she's hurting, but instead questioning if she's really telling the truth. To me, that's almost like the ultimate blow to the one who's abused.<P>You know, my particular abuser used to go around and try to convince the whole world that I was a pathological liar so that nobody would believe me when I started to tell what she did. Lucky for me, I was able to find someone who believed/believes in me and has supported me ever since then. I think this is what your sister is missing in your family.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The story she tells now about the abuse is different from the one she told 15 years ago according to my Mother. In fact, my Mother says that she doesn't believe my sister's story can be totally accurate because of all the lying in the past.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>See what I mean? You guys don't believe her and she feels she's lost you guys as her support system.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My husband is not a child molester.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually he is. That's what it's called when you touch someone inappropiate, no matter how many times or where they were touched. Believe what you want.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>And I had a multiply handicapped child to deal with at age 23, so I could not possibly work on my marriage or my husband's problems.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm sorry for you because of this. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>In many ways, I'm sorry I posted my story, incomplete as it was, because several people can not understand why I "defend" him. I do not defend him or what he did. I HATE what he did. but I do not hate him. He is, believe it or not, a wonderful man. He has bad stuff like the rest of us.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know from that first statement that most of that was aimed at me. Yes, I do admit to acting out to an imcomplete story <B>BUT</B>, but since you've updated it, I've heard nothing but blame on sister. It seems as though you're trying to paint her as the bad girl who possibly lied about this. She could, but then again, if she really did lie about it, what would she gain from telling this "lie"?<P>I'm glad you hate what he did, but I don't think I read that anybody wanted you to hate him, but I think we are wondering why you're immediately seeming to side with your husband.<P>OK, from that last statement, I have to say this: my abusers to many people in this world were wonderful people. That's just the way to play it so that if things come out, it makes the one who was abused look like he/she was lying. Lucky for me, I was able to talk with someone who knew that my abusers were lying and that they had done stuff to me and my family (mother, brother). Just because a person is wonderful in your eyes doesn't mean that they're not going to keep themselves from doing something like this.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I think that some people have trouble with boundaries, and my husband was one of them. In his immaturity, he was flattered by several young women's advances toward him. He succumbed to the pleasure of the moment, without thinking about anyone or anything else.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm confused, are you speaking of your sister as one of these women?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I do appreciate your thoughts. but the bottom line is, when you love someone and they love you, the love doesn't just die because you want it to. And I love my husband.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's all fine and good, but nobody is telling you not to love your husband. I don't recall reading that as part of a response to you. Maybe that's what you're thinking that we think? I know I don't, but I can't understand why you still "trust" him like you do and blame your sister.<P>In all that you've said about your sister, I haven't heard one positive thing about her from you. That's what I have a problem with.<P>Oh yeah, about your children and you sister, tell me honestly, do you think if you left either one of them in a house by themselves with your husband that he wouldn't hurt them? Just remember, it only takes a second to destroy a person's life.<P>I'm sorry you feel as though most of us aren't agreeing with you, but you have to understand that it doesn't sound right about what you say about your sister and your husband.<P>Miaka<P>PS You don't have to respond to me, I'll understand.<BR>

thanks, miaka. I wasn't trying to ignore you. i'm glad to hear it from the other point of view--the victim's side. I can't gather from your writing whether you are female and were abused by another female, or whether you are male and were abused by a female, or what. Guess that doesn't really matter.<BR>I realize now that there is no solution to my problem other than trying to fix what remains of my life. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. So can you. Good luck.

Hello Esther. I'm glad to see that you're not mad at me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>thanks, miaka. I wasn't trying to ignore you. i'm glad to hear it from the other point of view--the victim's side.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I would like to think of myself as neither a victim, but a survivor. Even though I have a long way to go, I am no longer in a situation like that so I am thankful.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I can't gather from your writing whether you are female and were abused by another female, or whether you are male and were abused by a female, or what.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, I am a female and I was abused by both, male and female. And both were family members that I "thought" I was close to and thought I could trust. They nearly destroyed me, but God rescued me.<P>You are right, you can only change the future. You must protect your children and your sister from your husband. Just because he confessed does not mean he won't do it again. I'm telling you the truth, one of my abusers said they wouldn't do anything to me again, but they almost got my son. Like I said, it only takes a second to destroy a person's life.<P>I hope you don't think I'm saying to hate your husband, no, that's not it. I am saying that you can't blindly trust him either. What would you do if you found out he hurt your children? I know it's something you don't want to think about, but unfortunately, you have to. Think about what I said, OK? I'm not trying to be mean, but I am worried about you being deceived and your children.<P>Miaka<BR>