My husband accuses me of being jealous of him no matter what he does (a little bit exaggerated I must say). His excuse for what he has done is that he is just trying to protect me from getting hurt. Really what he has done is give me good reason not to trust him anymore - that is where it has ended up. This is the second time he has been sneaking around behind my back - but the first time he told me about it. He wasn't going to let me know about it this time.<P>Anyway, I caught him talking to one of his classmates (female of course) from 40 some years ago. This has been going on since October at least. The first call I accidentally picked up the phone to hear was this: Hi, my wife is still in bed. She says "Oh she is home?" H says "yes, she took the day off". So she says "Oh, I guess we can't talk now then, I will phone you after New Years." (Note my H is home on stress leave from work.)<P>A few days after New Years I get to hear this conversation when she called (short form). They were on the phone for an hour and in that hour all my H did was call me down and say things that weren't even true about me. He never said one good thing; he made me out to be a real witch (and included my family in the discussion). The only other comments that were made were: H says "I really don't care anymore and I will leave sometime in the near future. She (referring to me) can't understand that we are just friends - but maybe it will turn into more in the future". At the end of the conversation H says "I love you" and she replied "I love you too."<P>H says that he tells all his friends that he loves them - it is in a different context from his love for me. I say baloney!!<P>I feel that what he said that day when he didn't know I was listening were his true feelings. I had my mind made up when I listened in that this would give me the answers I wanted, so why don't I accept the way the whole situations looks and leave. He doesn't even seem to be upset with the fact that I caught him. They are also sneaking around behind her husband's back (who is dying of cancer) - she goes to her sister's to call and my H calls from his office so there is no checking up on the phone calls.<P>Is it just the stress talking or did he really vent his true feelings about me (although he tries to tell me he still cares). We have had problems ever since his first episode 15 years ago. How do I trust him again? I will always be wondering what he is doing when I am at work. I am so confused. Help!<P>

I feel that you have a serious problem and you have lost the most valued trust in a loved one. He is playing you and you must walk away from him. Trust me I have seen that a thousand times and I know what he is doing and you do to. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sojo:<BR><B>My husband accuses me of being jealous of him no matter what he does (a little bit exaggerated I must say). His excuse for what he has done is that he is just trying to protect me from getting hurt. Really what he has done is give me good reason not to trust him anymore - that is where it has ended up. This is the second time he has been sneaking around behind my back - but the first time he told me about it. He wasn't going to let me know about it this time.<P>Anyway, I caught him talking to one of his classmates (female of course) from 40 some years ago. This has been going on since October at least. The first call I accidentally picked up the phone to hear was this: Hi, my wife is still in bed. She says "Oh she is home?" H says "yes, she took the day off". So she says "Oh, I guess we can't talk now then, I will phone you after New Years." (Note my H is home on stress leave from work.)<P>A few days after New Years I get to hear this conversation when she called (short form). They were on the phone for an hour and in that hour all my H did was call me down and say things that weren't even true about me. He never said one good thing; he made me out to be a real witch (and included my family in the discussion). The only other comments that were made were: H says "I really don't care anymore and I will leave sometime in the near future. She (referring to me) can't understand that we are just friends - but maybe it will turn into more in the future". At the end of the conversation H says "I love you" and she replied "I love you too."<P>H says that he tells all his friends that he loves them - it is in a different context from his love for me. I say baloney!!<P>I feel that what he said that day when he didn't know I was listening were his true feelings. I had my mind made up when I listened in that this would give me the answers I wanted, so why don't I accept the way the whole situations looks and leave. He doesn't even seem to be upset with the fact that I caught him. They are also sneaking around behind her husband's back (who is dying of cancer) - she goes to her sister's to call and my H calls from his office so there is no checking up on the phone calls.<P>Is it just the stress talking or did he really vent his true feelings about me (although he tries to tell me he still cares). We have had problems ever since his first episode 15 years ago. How do I trust him again? I will always be wondering what he is doing when I am at work. I am so confused. Help!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Jealousy is a nasty thing. That part is your responsibility to own and work on. The bottom line is that somewhere in all this, this OW makes your H feel worthy and needed, vallluable to have as a friend, etc. Your jealosy pushes him closer to her and probably puts ideas into his head that he may not have had in the beginning. <P>Look at the picture...where would a H want to go...to a place where he is admired and appreciated or a place where he is nagged and accused? If this situation has not crossed the lines of affair yet, it will soon.<P>Have you read the concepts here? Have you looked at the Plan A stuff, learning how to develop a plan to change yourself back into the woman he fell in love with and married? Have you taken the emotional needs questionaire and identified what yours and his emotional needs are and where they are being met and not being met? <P>You have lots of options here to turn this around. Good luck!

The thing is I don't nag and accuse him so I don't see where he gets this whole jealousy thing from. We may have had a bit of a problem when we went out when we were first married, but that was 35 years ago. I actually tell him to go and dance with so and so and sit the dance out myself. He tells me not to live in the past and what is he doing? I am not the jealous kind that screams and yells at him or threatens him. I didn't even feel any jealousy when I caught him on the phone, only hurt and disappointment. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SueB:<BR><B>Jealousy is a nasty thing. That part is your responsibility to own and work on. The bottom line is that somewhere in all this, this OW makes your H feel worthy and needed, vallluable to have as a friend, etc. Your jealosy pushes him closer to her and probably puts ideas into his head that he may not have had in the beginning. <P>Look at the picture...where would a H want to go...to a place where he is admired and appreciated or a place where he is nagged and accused? If this situation has not crossed the lines of affair yet, it will soon.<P>Have you read the concepts here? Have you looked at the Plan A stuff, learning how to develop a plan to change yourself back into the woman he fell in love with and married? Have you taken the emotional needs questionaire and identified what yours and his emotional needs are and where they are being met and not being met? <P>You have lots of options here to turn this around. Good luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>