I recently caught my father having an affair with "Sammy" - a person the entire family thought was "an old army buddy" that really turned out to be an old girlfriend. They have been having an affair for many years. My father does not want me to tell my mother because he says that it will make their lives miserable - and he says since they are "elderly" (74 and 75 - but very healthy) he feels he will be spending his last years alive being unhappy. <P>My wife and I work very diligently at having an honesty relationship. We work at keeping our communication open and loving. We do not want to have to lie to my mother about this situation, but we want my father to be the one that tells her and we feel she should know.<P>Of course - my father disagrees and thinks I should go to a marriage counselor so that I can have a professional viewpoint about this situation. He feels that no one would agree with me that my mother has the right to know about this affair. And I feel that the quality of my relationship with my mother would suffer if I was to keep this secret from her.<P>I love my parents very much and do not want to hurt them in any way. I feel that the truth - though it may hurt - is always the correct path to take. But, my father feels that my mother will never speak to him again over this and he also does not wish for me to tell my bothers. He wants me to keep this a secret to my grave. I disagree, but I am torn.<P>Which is the best action to take?<BR>

Tell her. Then let the chips fly where they may. Maybe she already knows!

That is a tough one. I do believe strongly in building a marriage on the truth. But then, I am also building for (hopefully) the next few decades, not for a shorter period.<P>At 74, who knows what the next few years might hold. Certainly if this comes out, there will be a few years of struggle, misery & pain, maybe after that some years of a better, rebuilt marriage or maybe some years of lonely divorced old age....<P>I think if it were my mother, she'd rather not know...she is peacefully content with her "old age" and wants as little change and disruption as possible. However, I think that even if I was 74, I would want to know, and that it would be my right to know. Maybe you should consider what types of person your mother is, and how resilient she is...<P>I think the idea to discuss it with a counselor (or pastor) first is a good idea. If nothing else, they may be able to give some guidelines as to how to deal most constructively with the inevitable fallout...<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

CB,<BR> I am very surprised at what I am going to say.Here goes. My parents separated in their late 60's it was awful. I was 38 and my youngest sibbling was 33. It was devastating to all of us. My mom was the betrayer and she is the one who moved out. It was a great burden for all of us to bear. 6mos later she developed lung cancer her second cancer in 5 years (the first was breast). My father who never wanted the separation stayed by her side from day one until the last day. They both had worked very hard all their lives for their family and retirement.........to spare anyone in their senior years this kind of pain....I would make the sacrifice and keep quiet. Think this out very carefully the happiness even if it's an illusion in reality...is happiness to your mom. I'd insist that dad stops this affair...can you bargin? Your decision will change forever the coarse of life for them. <BR> Is it possible you mom knows? But has kept quiet herself to spare the family all the pain associated with this awful thing?<P>And last but not least Pray about it....your answer will come.<BR> 2L