About 2 months ago my wife told me she was unhappy. She said it was partly because we have had trouble getting pregnant (trying for about a year and a half), but mostly because of my temper and critizism. I never thought the things I said bothered her. I thought they just went in one ear and out the other. She said that I started to get worse about a year and a half ago. I don't think I did, but maybe the stress of not getting pregnant took a toll on me or maybe the stress of not getting pregnant maybe her more sensitive. The timing is too coincidental.<P> Since then she has become increasingly distant and withdrawn. The hurt and anger she was feeling just snowballed once she told me about it. There is no affection from her whatsoever. Shortly after she told me about this, I became seeing a therapist to try to get me temper under control. Since then, I have not had any angry outbursts and have not critisized her. It has not been difficult at all. Just realizing how much I hurt her over the years made me wake up and look at the big picture. <P>Since this happened, I've felt like everything I thought our marriage was was a lie. My belief system has taken quite a hit. I started thinking that maybe there was someone else. A week ago, for some reason, I started looking through her purse, hoping to find a clue. I found a guy's phone number stored in her cell phone. She caught me, and when I asked her who it was, she said it was a friend from work that she talks to about us. She said she needed an objective point of view. I wanted to believe her, but I wasn't sure. Obviously, she was very angry. A couple of days later her cell phone bill came in. I opened it, but did not look over the itemized calls section. I threw it in the garbage. The next morning however, I took it out of the garbage and took it to work to look it over. I wasn't exactly sure what his number was, so I called one that showed up alot. He answered and I hung up. He must have had caller ID, because he called me back at work. He suspected it was me that called and we talked for a few minutes. I believe that he is just a friend. My wife must have looked in the garbage and found the bill missing. She called me at work fuming, justifiably so. <P> I really do trust my wife, in 6-1/2 years she's never given me a reason not to. I'm just not sure of many things any more. I wish she would have talked to me about her unhappiness before things got so bad, but I understand why she didn't. We have a 2-1/2 year old daughter, and my wife was only trying to maintain a happy environment for her. Her intentions were good, but she could have saved both uf us alot of pain if she had spoken out earlier.<P>Anyway, my problem is that she can't seem to get past the hurt and anger she's feeling. She said that she doesn't have same the feelings for me anymore, and doesn't know if she ever will. My therapist has been of no help in this regard. I wish she would get professional help, but she so far she is unwilling to. I don't know how to handle this. I realize it took a long time for this hurt to build up, and it will take a long time for her to trust that I have changed before she can forgive me. I would really appeciate any advice anyone can give me.<P>Thanks, <BR>Qzar<P>P.S. Feel free to e-mail at anytime.

You need to do a Plan A because your wife is having an emotional affair. <P>You also need to look at both Dr. Harley's writings, and those of Dr. John Gottman. The latter's four horseman of the marital apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) have been riding all over your marital landscape, wreaking havoc. <P>You can find more activity (more people posting, more ideas, etc.) in the "Emotional Needs" and "Divorcing/Divorced" boards. Never mind that those titles don't seem to fit. The "Divorcing/Divorced" board may be particularly crucial--these people have experience and insight you don't buy with diamonds and gold.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by qzar:<BR><B> About 2 months ago my wife told me she was unhappy. She said it was partly because we have had trouble getting pregnant (trying for about a year and a half), but mostly because of my temper and critizism. I never thought the things I said bothered her. I thought they just went in one ear and out the other. She said that I started to get worse about a year and a half ago. I don't think I did, but maybe the stress of not getting pregnant took a toll on me or maybe the stress of not getting pregnant maybe her more sensitive. The timing is too coincidental.<P> Since then she has become increasingly distant and withdrawn. The hurt and anger she was feeling just snowballed once she told me about it. There is no affection from her whatsoever. Shortly after she told me about this, I became seeing a therapist to try to get me temper under control. Since then, I have not had any angry outbursts and have not critisized her. It has not been difficult at all. Just realizing how much I hurt her over the years made me wake up and look at the big picture. <P>Since this happened, I've felt like everything I thought our marriage was was a lie. My belief system has taken quite a hit. I started thinking that maybe there was someone else. A week ago, for some reason, I started looking through her purse, hoping to find a clue. I found a guy's phone number stored in her cell phone. She caught me, and when I asked her who it was, she said it was a friend from work that she talks to about us. She said she needed an objective point of view. I wanted to believe her, but I wasn't sure. Obviously, she was very angry. A couple of days later her cell phone bill came in. I opened it, but did not look over the itemized calls section. I threw it in the garbage. The next morning however, I took it out of the garbage and took it to work to look it over. I wasn't exactly sure what his number was, so I called one that showed up alot. He answered and I hung up. He must have had caller ID, because he called me back at work. He suspected it was me that called and we talked for a few minutes. I believe that he is just a friend. My wife must have looked in the garbage and found the bill missing. She called me at work fuming, justifiably so. <P> I really do trust my wife, in 6-1/2 years she's never given me a reason not to. I'm just not sure of many things any more. I wish she would have talked to me about her unhappiness before things got so bad, but I understand why she didn't. We have a 2-1/2 year old daughter, and my wife was only trying to maintain a happy environment for her. Her intentions were good, but she could have saved both uf us alot of pain if she had spoken out earlier.<P>Anyway, my problem is that she can't seem to get past the hurt and anger she's feeling. She said that she doesn't have same the feelings for me anymore, and doesn't know if she ever will. My therapist has been of no help in this regard. I wish she would get professional help, but she so far she is unwilling to. I don't know how to handle this. I realize it took a long time for this hurt to build up, and it will take a long time for her to trust that I have changed before she can forgive me. I would really appeciate any advice anyone can give me.<P>Thanks, <BR>Qzar<P>P.S. Feel free to e-mail at anytime.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Qzar,<BR>I know what you are going through. Unfortunately we cannot unsay things that have we say in anger or frustration. I too am going through a similar situation. My Husband said he felt disrespected and as if what he was feeling or saying didn't count, and that I didn't listen.<P>Upon some serious self examination, I find he was right. Now I can only suggest that you be patient. Let her work through things at her pace for a change. Show her that you mean what you are saying. The old adage about actions speaking louder has a lot of truth in it.<P>I have been working through this for a few weeks, and know the damage was not done in only a few week and won't be undone in a few weeks, but the waiting for a response is as hard for me, as the hope that I would "get it" was as hard for my husband. Take some hope from the fact she hasn't left you, there is still hope you can regain your marriage completely. But now it is your turn to be patient and loving.<P>I hope this helps and works, for you and me.<P>fighingformylife

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fightingformylife:<BR><B> Qzar,<BR>I know what you are going through. Unfortunately we cannot unsay things that have we say in anger or frustration. I too am going through a similar situation. My Husband said he felt disrespected and as if what he was feeling or saying didn't count, and that I didn't listen.<P>Upon some serious self examination, I find he was right. Now I can only suggest that you be patient. Let her work through things at her pace for a change. Show her that you mean what you are saying. The old adage about actions speaking louder has a lot of truth in it.<P>I have been working through this for a few weeks, and know the damage was not done in only a few week and won't be undone in a few weeks, but the waiting for a response is as hard for me, as the hope that I would "get it" was as hard for my husband. Take some hope from the fact she hasn't left you, there is still hope you can regain your marriage completely. But now it is your turn to be patient and loving.<P>I hope this helps and works, for you and me.<P>fighingformylife</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

fightingformylife<P>Thank you for your reponse. It helps to know someone else is in my situation.<P>Things have changed somewhat since my first posting. My wife and I have started seeing a marriage counselor. We have only had one session and all we did was basically tell her our situation, but it's a start. <P>My wife told me the other night that the tension between us is pretty much gone and the hurt and anger she's been feeing are going away. However, she said she still does not have any sexual or romantic feelings for me, and she is still unhappy. I told our counselor about this, and she said that my wife's unhappiness probably stems from the fact that she doesn't have those feelings for me. Hopefully our counselor can help us or help her find a way to rekindle those feelings. Time will tell. I hope things work out for both of us.<P>qzar <BR>

Qzar,<BR>I completely understand what you're going through. My H and I have been married for almost 7 years now. A couple of weeks ago he tells me that he feels like leaving. He says that he doesnt think I trust him and that I ask about everywhere he goes and I want to know when he is coming back. It's been driving him crazy for two years! I wish he would've spoken up sooner, now I fear that its too late to try to salvage us. He wants to be friends now. <BR>But what I cant understand/believe is that he had all of those feelings and would not tell me about them until he got to a breaking point. <BR>I tried so hard to save us when he said that he felt like leaving. I cleaned the house like a mad woman, laundry never went undone, back rubs, baths, the whole nine yards. Can you say shock? <BR>My advice to you is this: Take it easy, she is in some pain. Dont do everything and anything you can to save your marriage all at once. Counseling is a good start. Dont push her into anything she isnt ready for. <BR>I also started to think there was an OW. Started looking in his jacket pocket for anything I could find. Star 69'ed the phone to see who the last person was to call my #, the works. So, trust your wife. If she says there is no one else, believe her. But keep on the lookout for signs of an EA/PA. <BR>She probably doesnt have any romantic feelings for you now because of the stress she is experiencing.<BR>I would just tell her that you wont do anything she isnt ready for. Love her and be patient...<P>Hope that helped,<BR>Roberta