I have made some grave mistakes in my marriage of almost 5 years. The most serious one as my wife relates to me, is financial irresponsibility. I also have a tendency to overindulge in lots of things, including alcohol, food, you name it. My wife also has a little bit of a tendency to overindulge, but she feels more guilt about it than I do. Since I have a strong tendency to overindulge, and she has somewhat of a tendency, it's really tough for her to resist temptation when she sees me not even trying to resist it. I did not realize that this pattern of indulgence and "enabling" if I'm using the correct term here, would result in her feelings for me changing drastically, but it has. <P>It's all pretty clear to me now, I need to address these issues and stop spending and the other indulgences. I know in my heart that I can do it, partly for me, and partly because I never meant to hurt her and want to make absolutely certain that I never do again. I was just too blind to really see that I was hurting her and our relationship so deeply, despite the fact that she was telling me. I believe I was partly rationalizing my behaviour by focusing on the good things that I brought to the marriage and considering myself "good enough".<P>The main problem as I see it at this moment, and my wife has similar feelings, is that my wife has lost her trust in me and she feels that "the bond has been broken". She also does not really believe that I can effect a permanent change in myself for the better. She wants to just "go home and start over" instead of trying to make things work because she believes that "a leopard can't change his spots". I am absolutely comitted to making these changes in myself, because I know that she's right. I have to be more financially responsible, I have to address the indulgence issues, and I also have to make sure that I don't get complacent about letting her know how much she means to me. <BR>I've spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks reflecting on the past five years, and I accept that I've made a lot of mistakes. Some of the things that seemed to be important to me turn out to not really mean much to me at all, and the things that should mean something to me turn out to actually be things that I do care about and want for the both of us. Like I said, I seem to be seeing things pretty clearly now, but she's having trouble buying into my having had a complete change of heart on a lot of these issues. I maintain that I did not hurt her on purpose and had I fully realized what I was doing I would have addressed the issues long ago. She tried to communicate what was troubling her and I honestly have to say she probably could not have made things much clearer short of issuing ultimatums. I really messed up in some areas, but I do love my wife dearly and want to grow old together with her. I believe I can change my spots, now that I realize how destructive they are to her and to our relationship.<P>So, my question is how can we go about restoring the trust that my wife has lost in me? Is it possible for her to fall back in Love with me and to regain the feelings that she has lost?<P>Thanks in advance for any constructive input.

I realized that my post sounded like I had not done any of my homework on this site. I just wanted to add that I am feverishly trying to deposit love units, while carefully trying to avoid withdrawing any. From some of the articles on the site, it looks as though it's possible to return someone who has withdrawn, to the romantic love stage, at least in theory. I guess what I'd like to find out is if anyone has any success stories to share. My wife's past experience has made her believe that people just plain do not change. I really believe I can and will. If anyone does have any positive stories about people changing and becoming better and their marriages surviving even though being seriously on the rocks before the changes I would sure like to hear them. I am doing the best I can to try to save the marriage now that I've realized my mistakes, but at this point I'm still feeling quite discouraged. I feel that hearing some success stories might help with some of the hopelessness that I'm feeling and hopefully it would help encourage others in similar situation on this board as well.<P>Thanks!

Rock:<BR>I'm with you!<BR>I also would like to hear success stories - my H is very withdrawn - but I have been working on plan A very hard since mid Dec. There is now a little hope - things are a little better. We have a long way to go. I am beginning to believe (it is a process) that if I can change, his feelings may change. But I get very discouraged too as he is not meeting any of my needs and having no positive feedback makes a long day.<BR> I know he thinks I cannot sustain these changes - and the only way to prove it is to do it! All my changes make me a better person - so I am getting something back. I think what is so frustrating is that I have woken up and want it all back NOW!!! I want to smother him with love - but must refrain as he does not feel too receptive now. I am learning and hoping and praying. This has been extremely difficult and extremely painful .....but it may work.<BR> Try posting on the EN section.

<BR>Can Leopards change spots? More than that! I was once a hyaena and have learned to become a loving human being. <P>I told my story in a previous post: <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/003009.html" TARGET=_blank> For Happy Hus- Why are you so Happy? </A><P>What needs to change isn’t physical feature, it is an attitude. Your W may think you can’t change because she tried everything she could to change you and nothing worked. Many women on the MB board have had these complaints. <P>The truth is that not only can people change, but most people want to change. No one likes to eat the same meal every night and I have never met a man who envisions doing the same job he is doing now for the rest of his life. We all want to change and grow. What spouses often don’t understand is that people resist BEING changed. Her efforts were wasted because you didn’t choose to change yourself. There is nothing she could have done to make you change, other than leave you. I assume this was what she is proposing to do. <P>How to gain her trust? To say it is real easy - CHANGE! Doing it is the challenge. If your boss says he is going to improve your working conditions and you arrive at work day in and day out but see no change - are you going to believe him? Never promise you are going to change until you are ready to implement a change. Time your announcement with something outragously obvious. Imagine that your boss promises once more that conditions will improve and the next day you arrive at work to find new equipment, a personal secretary and you get a warm hello from the boss with a smile - now do you trust him? Get the picture? <P>Prove to her that you understand what changes she really wants by doing something bold and noble. Make sure thought that you are understanding what she wants. If she says she wants more communication then taking her to a movie and buying her flowers isn’t going to cut it. Take a weekend course on supportive listening and then invite her to an evening of pillow talk (a poem expressing your sincerity and asking for forgiveness would be a great way to invite). Use your new skills, look in her eyes, feel her emotions and show her you can LISTEN. Prove that the change is genuine! <P>PS: The more you promise and don’t deliver, the harder it will be to prove your sincerity. Stop promising and just say you are trying and you are sure you can make a difference.

Thanks for your replies ihope and Happy_Hus!<P>Yes HH, you're right she told me that she was planning to leave me. Actually she didn't even come out and tell me. I had noticed for a while that things were not good between us, and her telling me about her plans to leave came out in one of the conversations where I was trying to find out what was bothering her. Her mind was made up, and I had to beg and plead and grovel to get her to even consider talking about it. Unfortunately one of the things that I most admire about her is my worst enemy right now. When she makes up her mind about something she follows thru.<P> I have already made lots of changes and I'm confident that I can stay changed. The real trouble as far as saving this marriage is that unfortunately my W's past experiences tell her that people don't change permanently, so even though I am trying my best to be the most attentive, loving, caring H ever, she expects the change to be only temporary and doesn't want to take a chance on me becoming the same self centered idiot again 2 years down the road. Even though I'm confident that the changes that I'm making within myself are permanent, I really can't blame her for being skeptical, especially with her past experiences. I'm just really disgusted with myself right now, for making choices that hurt her, and screwing up my relationship with the best person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I'll continue to do my best to show her that I can and will be the H she really wants. I can only hope and pray that she'll decide to give me the chance to prove myself. To tell y'all the truth, right now I feel like I don't even really deserve her