I have been married for 5 yrs and have two children. My husband is a good person and he would do anything for anyone. Except us.<BR>I feel as if he does not love me anymore. He is never interested in me. All he wants to do when he is home is watch TV. He'll tell his problems to anyone but me. He never tells me anything. I always feel like i'm left out in the cold. I am so emotionally needy at this point it's driving me crazy and he never wants to talk about this. He says i'm putting him down, but i'm not I just want him to talk to me and treat me like he actually cares about me. I don't know what to do. this has been a problem for our whole 5 yrs of marriage. I can barely even stand to kiss him anymore I feel so rejected.

I just got back from a Gottman seminar in Seattle, so this one is easy.<BR>He doesn't feel safe being near you or communicating with you about anything "heavy". That can change. Not easily, not overnight, not without his willingness to make a commitment to hang in there even when he's uncomfortable, and call a protective but temporary halt when things go too far.<P>Physiologically, he is less equipped to handle "heavy" subjects than you are. If his "fight or flight" response is aroused, he is not as capable as you are of calming himself without having taken decisive action. This is an evolutionary holdover from the male's role as hunter and protector. You are more capable of self-soothing. This is a holdover from the female's role as caregiver--unless you're calmed down, your milk won't flow for a baby.<P>My point would be, his avoidance is natural, even if it isn't the best thing for the relationship (the other alternative is for him to blow up, and my guess is he hates to do that). If you would like him to straighten up and fly right, you need to learn this stuff and how to get around it. And couples do learn how to get around it by taking half-hour breaks when one or the other starts to flood like that--Gottman says you're not being heard by the other person anyway if their heart rate has exceeded 95 beats per minute. <P><BR>