I am <BR>not a counselor or a doctor so I can only tell u what has worked for <BR>me. I started by setting boundries and being firm about them. My <BR>family was a bit taken back by it but I had to start somewhere to <BR>find myself again. I had lived years by doing what I thought others <BR>wanted me to do and what I thought others wanted me to be and feel. <BR>I didnt stop living that in a day,it took years to get to where I <BR>was, I had completely lost myself. It was a very slow process and <BR>there were many setbacks. I'm not perfect and I made alot of mistakes. <BR>The first think I did was start keeping a journal. I wrote down my <BR>feelings, my thoughts, what I wanted to happen, and how much I love <BR>my family and how much I knew they loved me. u see, for years, I<BR>didn't think anyone would love me at all if I didn't do what they <BR>wanted and think they way they thought. I didn't have an opinion on <BR>anything! I had to find out what I thought, what I felt. I did <BR>that by writing everything that came into my head. At first, I got <BR>angry, how dare they do this to me! Then I realized that I allowed <BR>them to, then I was angry at myself. I prayed long and hard for <BR>strength to forgive myself and others that I had felt had wronged me. <BR>I read alot of books on co-dependancy. "co-dependant no more" is an <BR>exellent book to start.<BR>Be true to yourself and your children first. I know that is one of the hardest things to do. But it will come in time if you work it. Turn that Pager off. Or better yet, change the # so he won't know it. Don't be a door mat for him or anyone in your life girl. Change you phone #. Key lock on the house doors. And Try to refrain from the sexual needs of your H. I realize what you need but he doesn't relize what he needs and until he gets the true drift of what you mean and YOU REALLY STICK TO YOUR GUNS you will not have things go so well. Sometimes it is just better to go on in life as hard as it may seem to you at the time. He CAN NOT have his "CAKE AND EAT IT TOO"!<BR>You are just setting yourself up for more hurt by doing the things you are allowing him to do now. Draw the line, set boundries and stick to your guns. You are giving him the Power. Don't play the Power trip games with him. If a person does not have a player then it is no fun to play the game.<P>BTW..let me also send you this that I have to share. and maybe someone else will also get some good out of this post too.<BR> This topic may or may not apply to your life, but if not most of us know someone we could share this with to maybe help them out. <P> POWER PLAY<BR> Love is a fact of life. Not one of us escapes it's effects. Love feels good, love feels bad, and the reasons why are anything but simple. In some fashion, our lives center around love, be it self-love, parent-child love, the loss of a love object, or a love realationship that is floundering. When we consider love, we long for a mature, interdependent love that reflects the ultimate goal to which humans can aspire and fills our souls with a sense of spiritual bonding with another. Mature love is an ideal toward which we strive and actually do experience from time to time.<BR> The truth is, most love realationships harbor some elememts of addiction. When love becomes obsessive, habitual,or necessary, it often becomes bad! Addictive lovers are saying, "If I take care of you and love you the way I want you to love me, then you'll love me that way too"! Our addictive love for each other unconsciously seeks to get our unmet needs fulfilled to provide us safety and predictability, and to avoid pain. The paradox is this: we fall into an additive love as an attempt to gain control of our lives, and in doing so, we lose control by relinquishing our personal power to each other.<BR> Elements of unhealty dependency creep into the best of love relationships. Most, if not all, realationships give evidence of dependency. Love addiction in itself is not bad, It just is! The hurtful behaviors that accompany it are what we need to rid ourselves of.<BR> Love and addiction are seperate entities that may come together for a time, and one can be mistaken for the other. Our challenge is to move from addiction to healthy belonging, no easy task. For as we do, as we begin to give up the predictable and unworthy belonging, no easy task. For as we do, as we begin to give up the predictable and unconsciously agreed upon, we may find ourselves involved in power struggles. At the same time, we want to change and we want to stay the same. And so, we develop another kind of dependency, a competitive one. The telltale sighs of it are power plays.<BR> Power plays occur whenever there is a threat, real or imagined, to the unhealthy relationship. What was once a complementary agreement between the partners becomes competitive.<BR> The battles can be subtle or openly fierce. If power play are present, we can be sure our love is addictive. And sometimes, playing power games is an addiction in itself!<BR> <BR> POWER<BR> <BR> Definition: CONTROL, power to regulate, direct, or dominate. The word "power" is used in many contexts. In our context - the realm of the quest for love and healthy interdependence in our relationships - the power to strive for is personal potency that springs from self-esteem, not from attempting to gain control over others through power plays.<BR> Most of us are, have been, or want to be in a primary love realationship. We need to love and be loved to bloom to our<BR> fullest. We are interdependent in a relationship with another if we are able to trust ourselves and our partner, maintaining our individuality even as we are part of the relationship. Mature love<BR> affirms the personal power of both lovers. In true love, lovers recognize each other as equals; they are not caught up in mind games and "one-upmanship." When two people are content and<BR> free as individuals, they are much more likely to have a content and free love relationship.<BR> Every one of us feels some dependency on our relationship<BR> partner, but when we fear we couldn't survive without our relationship and resort to manipulation or control of a lover to get<BR> our needs met, we are exhibiting unhealthy signs. Dependent,<BR> obsessive love limits our ability to feel content, our capacity for intimacy, and our ability to experience fulfilling love.<BR> One of the most pronounced features of an overly dependent,<BR> unhealthy relationship is the use of power plays to gain a misguided sense of control over one's partner. Power plays are manipulative or controlling behaviors directed at keeping the relationship partners involved in a "one-up, one-down" melodrama. Not only do they signal an addictive, dependent relationship, but the excitement and drama of these games are addictive in themselves.Learning to recognize and withdraw from power plays is a step toward purging them from our relationships and avoiding relationships altogether in which they are likely. We can then be free to love each other as equals.<BR> The myth underlying power plays is that there somehow is not enough power for both people in the relationship, that one person must maintain control over the other. The myth is based on the idea that power is scarce: the people with power believe they have control and can get what they want and need. Without such control, life seems fragile and uncertain. And of course, all want certainty! The competition for that vague thing called "control' is often fierce. Often we don't even know what it is we want control of. We just want control! Moreover, power players (aptly called "controllers") mistakenly believe other people provide - or take away - their personal potency. Where do such<BR> beliefs come from?<BR> #2<BR> <BR> BEGINNINGS OF POWER PLAYS<BR> <BR> The roots of adult power players' behavior can often be traced back to childhood. As small children, we fought for power for the first time when, at about age two, we were told in a variety of ways by our parents that it was time to stop being the center of the universe, that cooperation with "the big people" was now necessary. We could remember, we could talk, we could act in socially cooperative ways. If we didn't cooperate, we often were led to believe we'd face punishment or<BR>rejection.<BR> When confronted with this commonplace situation, children have three options: They may rebel, overadapt, or cooperate.<BR> Rebels say, "No, I won't go along, and you can't make me,"<BR> and fight to have what they want in their own way. We've all seen<BR> children attempt to overpower and often win over a parent by<BR> saying no, holding out, and throwing temper tantrums.<BR> Meanwhile, overadaptors are often overpowered by a parent.<BR> If, as children, we were overadaptors, we may have developed<BR> feeling of being swallowed up, like our freedom was being stripped away. We may have felt childish grief and fear because our behavior and freedom of choice were being suppressed, not directed. And so we "adapted" and withheld our anger.<BR> Those of us who were guided to become cooperators, to recognize that others have needs too, slowly learned cooperation and growing up can be a joy. Power-sharing and yield became normal parts of our lives.<BR> There was no need to overpower our parents, nor did they need to overpower us with directives, threats, demands, and physical punishment. Both parent and child can be powerful in their own ways, and in sharing such power, they construct bridges of communication, support, and love. That is normal development. <BR>The following story illustrates how the sharing and affirming of equal personal power might have been taught to us as children.<BR> <BR> When my daughter Heidi was three, she toddled into the<BR> kitchen where I was washing dishes and thinking about the chores I had to complete that evening. "Mommy, read me story," Heidi said, tugging on my untucked shirt. I looked down, grimacing at the toys scattered across the floor of the kitchen and living room. I thought, Well, I've got time<BR>to either read her a story or pick up those toys.<BR> I started to say, "Go pick up your toys and then we'll talk about a story," but I suddenly stopped myself, realizing I would be issuing an irritated order. Instead, I said:<BR> "Heidi, I only have time to do one thing: read to you or<BR> pick up all those toys. Why don't you decide which thing I<BR> should do?"<BR> I had given the child a choice, and Heidi was startled.<BR> She had no cause for disappointment or a temper tantrum,<BR> because it was her choice. And she chose - she ran to pickup the toys herself, then returned for the one thing I had<BR> time for - reading the story. Getting her to think and<BR> choose affirmed her personal power.<BR> Every one of us, as two- or three-year-old children, moved<BR> through a rebellious stage; some of us emerged with few emotional scars, though everyone has some problems with trying to<BR> control others. The transition from childish omnipotence to<BR> power-sharing seems to be something we all struggle with,<BR> even in adult life. Our confusion over uses of power is evident in<BR> unhealthy, uneasy adult relationships.<BR> <BR> ANTIDEPENDENCE<BR> <BR> Often accompanying confusion about power is the tendency to mistake independence for antidependence. To be antidepen-<BR> dent is to be uncomfortable with commitment, or to refuse to<BR> make any commitment to another at all. In reality, this is<BR> the flip side of dependency. Our need to belong is real. People who<BR> say, "I'll do my thing and you'll do yours, and if we meet, so be it,"<BR> promote false independence.<BR> I've discovered that most people who exalt their independence, in truth fear becoming dependent on others. They've learned to avoid pain and fear by becoming self-sufficient.<BR> Control is important to them; they often experienced one or both parents as attempting to overpower them or each other, and so<BR> promised themselves they would never be overpowered. Paradoxically, those control-obsessed parents failed to meet developmental needs in the child, and often the child's response was, "No, I won't, and you can't make me!" or "I'm okay; you're not!" In this way, the child maintained a sense of personal power and dignity in an uneasy, unhealthy situation.<BR> Sometimes as a result of a parent trying to control our<BR> thoughts, feelings, and actions, we learned to be afraid to grant<BR> power to others. Our relationships may be characterized by<BR> competition, with frequent power games where we fight with a<BR> partner for the position of "being right." To power players,giving often feels like loss of power, or giving in.<BR> <BR> <BR> COMMON POWER PLAYS<BR> <BR> What are some of the subtle power plays that sabotage adult<BR> love relationships? Below are listed a few of the most common<BR> power plays that appear in unhealthy relationships. To the left<BR> of each power play, write "yes" or "no" based on whether you<BR> have experienced that symptom in your relationship.<BR> <BR> In my relationship I have experienced either one of us<P> ____ Giving advice, with difficulty taking it<BR> <BR> ____ Having difficulty in reaching out and asking for support and love<BR> <BR> ____ Giving orders; demanding and expecting too much from<BR> the other<BR> <BR> ____ Trying to "get even" or to diminish the self-esteem or<BR> power of the other<BR> <BR> ____ Tending to be judgmental; putdowns that sabotage the<BR> other's success; fault-finding; persecuting; punishing<BR> <BR> ____ "Holding out" on the other; not giving what the other<BR> wants or needs<BR> <BR> ____ Making, then breaking promises; seduction into trust<BR> <BR> ____smothering, over-nurturing the other: "Big Daddy,"<BR> "Mama Bird"<BR> <BR> ____patronizing, condescending treatment of the other that<BR> sets one partner up as superior and the other as intimidation<BR> <BR> ___ Making decisions for the other; discounting the other's<BR> ability to problem-solve<BR> <BR> ____ Difficulty admitting mistakes or saying "I'm sorry"<P> _____Giving indirect, evasive answers to questions<BR> <BR> _____Manipulation to put other in "no-win" situations<BR> <BR> ____ Attempting to change the other (and unwillingness to<BR> change the self)<BR> <BR> ____ "Pouring salt in the wounds" - attacking the other when<BR> he or she is most vulnerable<BR> <BR> ____Showing an antidependent attitude: "I don't need you"<P> ____Using bullying, bribing behavior; use of threats<P> ____ Showing bitterness, grudge-holding, or self-righteous<BR> anger<BR> <BR> ____ Using verbal or physical abuse<BR> <BR> ____Using aggression defined as assertion<P> ___Needing to win or be right<BR> <BR> _____Showing stubborn resistance or being set in own ways<BR> <BR> ____Defending any of the above behaviors<BR>#3<BR> <BR> How many "yes" answers do you have? How many "nos"?<BR> Compare. Since power plays are characteristic of unhealthy dependency, any "yes" indicates some problems. The more times<BR> you write "yes," the more attention you'll want to pay to the<BR> presence of such harmful manipulation and control by either<BR> one of the partners in your relationship. Keep in mind that<BR> power plays are not usually in our awareness.<BR> To feel powerful, one person must overwhelm and control the<BR> other; the power player has difficulty sharing power for fear of<BR>being overpowered. What such a person is really saying and does<BR> not realize is this: "I fear I'm powerless and I need others to control so I can be powerful." Such a false belief suggests another person is in charge of our personal potency, and that we need to control that other person in order to be secure and strong.<BR> The power player struggles to keep others in a victim's position so they can be rescued or persecuted. Such melodramatics are not the essence of true personal power, but of dependency; they are most surely unhealthy. Ultimately, power plays are the cause of much unhappiness.<BR> Power plays are not easily given up by either participant,<BR> for they mask unconscious and offen suppressed fears. In each<BR> incidence where I have explored the roots of a client's need to<BR> control another person, I've found a traumatic experience or<BR>imagined threat has led this person to interpret loss of control as<BR> the loss of self, a dangerous and terrifying idea. Or perhaps<BR> power players were allowed to overpower their parents, thus<BR> developing a belief, "I am more powerful than you and I can<BR> get my own way."<BR> "Besides," reasoned one power player, "being 'one-up' feels<BR> much better than being 'one-down,' so why give up behavior<BR> that makes me feel good?" People striving to control others can<BR> avoid dealing with their own private fears, insecurities, and<BR> doubts because they always have someone else who is "less<BR> okay'" to focus on. Keep in mind that power plays are mutual.<BR> The victim's position often has its perceived benefits, too!<BR> It is safe and predictable and keeps others around. The "one-down"<BR> participant, who is being controlled by a partner, tears rejection<BR> or angry confrontation and unhappily complies. The people<BR> who play these power games fail to recognize that both positions<BR> are unstable and unhealthy; both are based on false beliefs.<BR> Because we may have designed our own power plays when we<BR> were children to protect us from harm, they are deeply embedded behaviors and our resistance to giving them up will be very great.<BR> Because "one-up" power players dominate others by delusion<BR> and denial, believing they are better than others, they seldom<BR> reach out for help or indicate they want to change.<BR> Generally, they are forced into therapy or change when they experience a trauma, such as the partner's threat to leave. Even then,<BR>their primary goal may be to regain control over the rebellious partner.<BR> <BR> At this point, the partner usually is no longer willing to be a victim; sometimes he or she may be angry and may even begin<BR> fierce competition for that "one-up" position. If this is the case,<BR> neither partner is ready to give up the power plays until the<BR> insecurities that motivate them have been explored. Perhaps this<BR> is fear of pain or deprivation; fear of disappointing someone;<BR> fear of failure; fear of guilt, anger, or rejection; fear of being<BR> alone; fear of getting sick or going crazy; even fear of death.<BR> <BR> WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS?<BR> <BR> Once we identify the power plays sabotaging our relationships, we have three options.<BR> First, we could cooperate and respond passively from a victim's position, agreeing to forfeit our own potency and accept the "one-down" position. It is easy and familiar, even though addictive. Needless to say, this is no way to live fully. Yet many people choose this stance. I find it curious that those who live in a constant "one-down" position usually end up with the feelings the other partner is trying to avoid.<BR> Second, we could seek the power position, in which case we<BR> become snared in a competitive, addictive relationship. In this<BR>case, two antidependent people vie for the "one-up" position,<BR> living in constant conflict as each tries to overwhelm the other<BR> with creative and destructive power play tactics.<BR> Unfortunately, most relationships alternate between these two<BR>ptions, seesawing through life! There's a third, much happier option, however. That is to respond from an affirmative position which acknowledges equal personal power. From this position we are saying, "We are both okay and personally powerful.<BR> Sometimes it is your behavior that is not acceptable to me."<BR> When we adopt this attitude, it's important for us to recog-<BR>nize how power plays have victimized both partners in our relationships. We can then work to nurture a new sense of personal power and dignity for us both.<BR> WITHDRAWING FROM POWER PLAYS<BR>#4 <BR> To withdraw ourselves from power plays we need to<BR> <BR> 1. acknowledge power plays are real.<BR> <BR> 2. take an inventory of the power plays we most often<BR> participate in.<BR> <BR> 3. learn to identify our own personal cues: feeling confused,trapped, guilty,uncomfortable,threatened,competitive;<BR> doubting ourselves, using sarcasm; being defensive; projecting blame; avoiding our partners; giving evasive responses.<BR> <BR> 4. examine our negative personal beliefs that are<BR> supporting power plays, and change them.<BR> <BR> 5. detach ourselves, maintaining a belief that we are<BR> equals.<BR> <BR> During the struggle to break free of power plays, you may<BR> find yourself ensnared in arguments caused by the power-seeking behavior of your partner. The less you say in to verbal challenges, the better. The urge to defend yourself or agree can lead you directly back into unhealthy behavior.<BR> Thus, short, one-word responses are most effective in order to stay detached from power competition: "yes," "no," "whatever," or<BR>"really" are examples. Or you may choose to let go and make a<BR> nonthreatening statement of your position to affirm your dignity. An example of this is a statement such as, "When you(action) , I feel (feeling) ." You are responding from a position of equal personal power. Make this statement at a time you are most likely to be heard, not an argument. Following is an example of a couple that is toward a healthier relationship based on each partner's equal personal power.<BR> <BR> <BR> THE GOAL: MUTUAL RESPECT<BR> <BR> Jennifer and Brad had a potentially good relationship. But<BR>Brad was obsessed with his role as rescuer and adviser to many people; a role indicative of one trying to hold power over others.<BR> Thus Brad had many "victim" friends demanding his time and<BR>energy, people Jennifer called "hangers-on," and not true friends. Though Brad often complained these people ate up his time, he also said he could not say no to them.<BR> Jennifer often felt neglected and lonely, but she said little for<BR>several years, always hoping the situation would change. Her style, one she had learned from her family, was to say nothing and feel bad. Since she had not experienced power-sharing in her family, her fear of confronting Brad, and possibly causing him to grow angry and reject her, was very real.<BR> When she finally gathered the courage to confront him, she did so with great feeling and honesty. She told Brad she was no longer willing to postpone her own needs for those of his acquaintances, saying, "When you cancel our weekend plans because a friend wants you to help him move, I feel unimportant to you, hurt, and very angry." She had begun to recognize that her behavior was a pattern carried over from childhood, when she had often bowed to the needs of others in her family. She no<BR>longer wanted to do this.<BR> At first, Brad listened sympathetically; later he verbally at- tacked Jennifer, accusing her of manipulating him with tears and trying to control their relationship. To regain his equilibrium, Brad began to criticize her, withhold affection from her, and lecture her on how their marriage "should and would" be from then on.<BR> Jennifer knew she could comply, stand and affirm her personal dignity, or leave the marriage. Fortunately, she was strong enough to recognize that, although Brad's behavior hurt her,it stemmed from his fear of losing control and being hurt himself.<BR> Determined not to stay a victim, Jennifer managed to maintain<BR> detachment and not take his criticism personally.<BR> When opportune times arose, she told Brad how his behavior<BR>affected her, although she knew she could not realistically expect<BR> to change him. She also made it clear she wanted a healthy<BR> marriage where both of them could contribute their own<BR> thoughts, feelings, and ways of doing things as equal without<BR> fear of reprisal. Jennifer hoped such an ideal could be achieved;<BR> if it couldn't, she would have no choice but to consider how or if<BR> she would remain in this relationship.<BR> Fortunately, both Jennifer and Brad are now working to<BR> achieve a stronger, freer relationship. It hasn't been easy<BR> them; but an improving atmosphere of mutual respect has al-<BR> lowed them to move from a controlling, dependent relationship<BR> to one that supports - yet frees - them both. The power plays<BR> are less, and they are better for that - individually and as a couple.<BR> <BR> POWER WITHIN<BR> <BR> Winning is an internal process: power is within ourselves and<BR>results in self-confidence, self-love, and a desire to give to an other. With a sense of confidence, we no longer need to "win" externally. Our chances of achieving fulfillment in a healthy love relationship increase when we finally realize power need not be something one person has at another's expense.<BR> I continue to be amazed at how frequently people begin getting what they want and need in relationships as soon as they are willing to give up the need for power and control. Perhaps it is because each senses the other partner's power lies confidently within, and in awe and respect, is moved to reach out and give.Or perhaps it is as Daniel Travanti, the actor quoted at the opening of this pamphlet, discovered: control over others is an illusion, and the answer is in letting go. Yielding is a sign of wellness. In a storm, it is the tree that bends with the wind<BR>that survives to grow tall.<BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>VN. vetwife of 20 yrs.
