How should I draw a line in the sand for a husband that has been an addict in the past, but has returned to it on several occasions since our marriage over the past 1yr7mos? He has a terrible temper, and has very often yelled at me, often using words I never though a wife would hear from her husband. My entire family is worried about me. I have been extremely stressed particulary over the last couple of months, as the arguments have intensified. I hate to go back on my vow of marriage, but if he won't seek help, and won't keep his promises to me - what else is there to do? What is the best way to go about drawing a line in the sand that he will understand he's either got to make some changes, seek professional help - or meet me in court?

Not a topic I know much about, but let me point you...there are some ladies with a long-running boundary thread in a different section of the forum. If I;m not mistaken, some are delaing with addictive behaviors in their H's.<P>Try this thread...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000588.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000588.html</A>

I am dealing with the same situation except I just keep loving him and he finally left me because he didn't have enough money to pay for it. So now he is living with friends and he don't have any bills. Needless to say he has all of his money to spend on his addiction. I am very scared for him but there is nothing I can do and the same goes for you. My advice is to keep loving and when he hits bottom he will need you. Hang in there. I hope this helps.

Thanks - but I don't know if does. I've been trying to put a game plan together, but haven't yet. Sometimes he gets so angry, I just don't know how much more I can take. I know he won't leave me-he tells me that all the time. He doesn't want a divorce, so if anyone leaves, it will be me to keep my sanity. I've counseled with our pastor, but it really comes down to whether or not he will seek help. I don't know if/how he'll respond if I make an ultimatum to get help or else...My first goal is to take time each week to read the His Needs/Her Needs book. I've read it once before years ago, but he hasn't. He's agreed, but he hasn't had time to do it yet - he says Sunday. SO we'll see if he takes the time Sunday. My other goal is he's been offered a job instead of operating his own construction business <which is what caused 90% of our debt). He's planning to take it, but he's trying to finish a couple of jobs first...I'm hoping within a month he settle down into it. I just hate sitting on pins & needles all the time. I'm always the one that has to stay calm, and watch what I say so it doesn't start another argument. I'm just so tired & stressed. I've gained over 40lbs since getting married b/c of all that's happened.

I hope that maybe I can help. I am a H, that is a recovering alcoholic. But over the last 18 mos i let my old behaviors come back to include the anger and rage, name calling lieing manipulating. It how ever toopk my W and a PFA to get me to realize what I was doing. I gave her lip service for the last 18 mos false promises. I however no own my actions, I am in an anger management course, dealing with a personal counsleor and have redoubled my efforts in AA. I only hope and pray that she can find it in her heart to forgive me and give us antoher chance. Hope this hepls you<BR>

What did your W do to get you back to counseling / make you see the 'lite'?? That's my hardest part, is trying to get him to see the REAL truth, and not his own. I've got to be able to draw the line somewhere - he can't keep treating me as he has. I can't even get him to counseling. He thinks he can do it on his own. REgarding alcohol - I think he has a problem, but he doesn't. I now believe drugs & alcohol go hand in hand - but he doesn't see it that way.

I am new to this forum but not new to this subject. I have been married to my aloholic for almost 21 yrs now. And let me tell you what worked the best for me. Find your nearest Alanon meeting an attend it. It is free and you will learn so much from it. Boundries are fine and dandy but demands don't work. With anyone, let alone a person with a handicap. Email me if you'd like. I left it open for that reason. <P>------------------<BR>VN. vetwife of 20 yrs.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Queen B:<BR><B> I am new to this forum but not new to this subject. I have been married to my aloholic for almost 21 yrs now. And let me tell you what worked the best for me. Find your nearest Alanon meeting an attend it. It is free and you will learn so much from it. Boundries are fine and dandy but demands don't work. With anyone, let alone a person with a handicap. Email me if you'd like. berni61854@airmail.net<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Queen B:<BR><B> I am new to this forum but not new to this subject. I have been married to my alcoholic for almost 21 yrs now. And let me tell you what worked the best for me. Find your nearest Alanon meeting an attend it. It is free and you will learn so much from it. Boundries are fine and dandy but demands don't work. With anyone, let alone a person with a handicap. Email me if you'd like. I left it open for that reason. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

What did W do. She called the cops when I was yelling at her, then she got a PFA court order of protection and no contact. It was like a two by four across the forehead. But I was ready to accept responsibility for my actions. If your husband is bnot ready go to alanon if you feel in danger call the cops and seek court help<P>

alcoholic: goes to AA or in drugs case NA<BR>family and freinds go to Alanon<BR>But what ever you do please do for you. And if you have children.

Thank you both. I do need to attend a meeting, I've also been counseling w/ minister. My husband hasn't been violent, but has only said some hurtful things, which on 1-2 occasions, I attempted to retaliate in kind unsuccessfully. Alcohol isn't his main addiction, but I feel it's what he turns to instead of pot/cocaine, the latter being what his true addiction is. I have been trying to rely on God to guide me and help me through this. It's been so hard emotionally - I'm not even myself anymore and have gained 40lbs. I am trying to work on myself, and, as advised, look in to attened Alanon mtg. I just wish I could have some comfort level in know if things will work out - and some trust/honest from him. I caught him in a lie just the other night. I was upset, but spoke w/ him frankly. He didn't yell, only agreed that changes need to take place. I just feel he's paying me lip service and really won't change.

I really hate to burst your bubbke or confirnm your worst thoughts> But I do truely believe he paying you lip service.<BR>Lies and empty promises. Those are all really good additve behaviours that we addicts use to hide/avoid our own feelings. I know those same behaviors may have cost me my marriage to the lady I love am in love with but whom I hurt and destroyed most all the trust good luck<BR>