All my life I have heard women say that they want a man who is honest, careing, loveing, intelligent, dedicated, and employed. Since the 10th grade it was my goal to be all those things to the woman I would marry. Now I have been married 16 years next month and I have been all those things. However, my wife has found in her mind reason to doubt me, question my actions, and susspect that I am or have cheated. I haven't. I have had a couple chances to but chose not to for various reasons. <P>In all of the jobs I have had I have been made to feel so guilty of making her feel like I've cheated that I have had to quite them. I use to work in broadcasting and if you know the business, then you know people call the request lines just to talk to the annoucers. On every occassion I wold go home and my wife and I would talk about our day on our jobs. When I told about any of the wild calls I got she would hit the roof and accuse me of leading them on or rigging the show in a way that would make them call and say the things they would say. If she just happened to be listening to the station when I played an extra long record she would think I had a woman with me. The idea never crossed her mind that I could hav put it on because I had to use the rest room. When I stopped telling her of the calls she then thought I Was keeping something from her.<P>I now work in the transportation industry and am faced with the same thing again. She now thinks I spend my time flirting with customers, getting phone numbers, spending the night with them, and anything else. Throughout our marriage we have spent far to muct time fighting about things that don't exist. I have said to her countless times to do whatever she needs to do to assure herself that I am not doing any of what she suspects. She has cuddenly taken a trip with me while I was working just to see how I deal with customers. To no avail. She accused me of allowing one customer to follow me to closely even when I didn't know she was (even when I didn't know the customer was behind me).<P>I believe we live in a constant state of conflict and withdrawal. I know that my "Taker" is really quick to retreat and avoid fighting and that giver her Taker more fuel. Yes we do fight over money and sex. Not so much about sex anymore because I have gotten so tired of fighting for it and begging for it that I just don't bring the issue up anymore. We have it whevenver she wants and that is it. Begging and fighting for it did me no good at all. The more I begged the less I got. <P>After reading "His Needs, Her Needs" I began to look at my life with my wife. I wondered if I was really meeting her. I know that I try hard to and did so long before I read the book. For the record I have asked if there are any needs that I am not meeting and she say only the money needs and the time together. I have open the purse and said spend what you wish but understand that the bills have to e paid and can not be late. They are late and some past due. The time together has be hard but I try to be there. We agreed to go to breakfast at least once a week just to two of us and I try to get her to go out for movies or dinner just to two of us. She only want to ride the bikes together. I don't like bike ridding but I do it because she want to. I prefer to walk. So we fight, I withdraw, and she leaves or I ride the bike. <P>About a year ago her company sponsored a golf day for all employees and their mates/spouses. She told me about it 2 dayz before the event and a week after the deadline for adding your spouse to the list of attendees. While I have never played the game I did think that she should have given me the chance to say yes or no. She assumed that I wouldn't want to. I by the way had made plans for a family outting that was familied well in advance and noted on the frig, calenders, and talked about. She said she forgot and couldn't get out of her company function. When she came back she talk about how much she love dthe game of golf and how she would like to do it more. So O bought a membership into a golf club. She hasn't mentioned golf since except to say that this past weekend her company was having another one. Another fight. She had wanted to go but thought it might make me angry. The idea of invitng me to come was out of the question because she said not everyone was bringing their spouse this time. I still don't get that one.<P>Lastly, in 1999 my wife said to me that If I bought her a house I could have all the sex that I want from then on. In December of 1999 I bought the house. As for the sex, reread what I have already written about it.<P>If there are any ladies out there who can help me with this please do. I don't claim to be perfect and even close but I really do try to please my wife. I told my wife that I was different from the rest of the guys and I am been trying to prove it everyday. I read alot about relatinships and marriage such as Dr. Harley's books and others. The information is good but it seems to me that both partners actually need to read them to get the full effect. Otherwise it seems to be pointless. What am I doing wrong? I really do love my wife and I think she is the perfect mother for out children. But I know there is more to a marriage than what I am getting from mine. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to keep going on like this either. Yes we did try the pros and that ended badly.<P>HELP me please if I have made any sense here.<P>------------------<BR>5 stops closer to your mate's heart can bring miles of mutual pleasure.

Hi 5steps,<P>Sorry that you got no replies here. I hang out at Emotional Needs, stepping around the other forums only rarely. But that was a meaty question you placed, so here it goes.<P> <UL TYPE=SQUARE>1.</UL><P>Have you both done the Emotional Needs questionaire on this website?<P>Have you both done the LoveBusters questionaire on this website?<P>If not, print them out. You take them first, so you have a feel of how hard they can be to do well. Then have her do the Lovebusters Q'aire. Take a day to digest it after reading her responses before you come back and discuss her responses with her.<P>Then see if she is willing to take the Emotional Needs one. You can discuss it with her whenever you are not defensive. <P>Only after that is done should you offer her the opportunity to read your responses.<P> <UL TYPE=SQUARE>2.</UL><P>Describe your wife in terms of her personality, character and style. Use your own observations and language, also how would SHE describe herself.<P>Take the little "quiz" at <A HREF="http://www.personalitytypes.com" TARGET=_blank>www.personalitytypes.com</A> and tell us what your Meyers-Briggs personality type is. Try to get your W to do it too. Tell us your best guess as to her type. <P>There is incredible power in that knowledge. You can have deep understanding of why she prefers her EN's in certain ways, and why they are the way they are, and how your unique LB's hurt her, and why she sees certain "innocent" behaviors as LB's. <P>(If you want to respond to this, your best bet is to get my attention on the EN board!)<P>Good luck!<P>Love,<P>Karenna<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited April 17, 2001).]