I am hopeful that I will get some opinions on this one. <P>I recently purchased a gift certificate for my grandmother and sent it to her anonymously. It was for $25.00. I received a nice bonus and wanted to do something during the lenten season as she was having some financial difficulty. <P>Her birthday was not to far away, and my H asked if I got her a present. I told him that I got her a gift certificate. Which I did. This was totally separate from the first one. He casually asked if I had given it to her yet, and I replied... No, not the one for her birthday.<P>For three hours, he did not talk to me. After some prying, he told me that he couldn't believe that I flat out lied to him. I did give her a gift certificate. I pointed out how I answered the question, that it was not a lie. I gave her a gift certificate, but "not the one for her birthday." I explained why I did it, but...<P>He claims it is not the money issue, HOWEVER, if it concerns our finances, he should know about it. We have had problems in the past, and with counseling, things have been going just great, until this. Mind you, they were never very serious peoblems... He said that every bit of trust he had regained in our marriage is gone. He wonders what else I have lied to him about. <P>Does anyone have any advice out there?<P>I just wanted to do a nice thing for someone in need. Was I wrong?

No, you did a good thing by giving to someone with needs. The issue is not whether you lied, that seems a little harsh for your actions, but you may have misled. I have a habit of doing the same thing with my wife, answering the question asked, no more no less, which can be misleading. She calls me on it and we move on, especially if insignificant. My wife also refers to a blantant joke or teasing as lies, are they, when the intent isn't to deceive. For example she will ask me did I take out trash while we are both looking at the trash can, I'll say yes... when we both know that isn't true. Is that a lie? If you are having an affair & don't tell is that a lie? If a lady asks if they look fat in a dress & someone says no to be polite, is that a lie?<P>My point is, in this case it doesn't really matter, your husband is being childish, about the whole issue. <P>

No you did nothing wrong at all, you did something that was very nice and kind of you. I think your husband is overreacting and he needs to grow up. I don't mean to be mean but I agree that he is being childish. It was for your grandmother he should not be acting that way, I can understand if it's because of finachial problems but then again you are just being a good person! So don't blame yourself ok? Don't let him do that to you.

Thumbs up on your generosity. Thumbs down on your husband's behavior.<P>Not talking to you for three hours?!!! Then "wondering what else you've lied about" now "every bit of trust he had regained in our marriage is gone"?!!!<P>Personally, I live with this man, myself. You might be in for rockier times ahead.<P>He is feeling thwarted, cheated, and that you are untrustworthy. Why? You were honest with him when he asked, even if you didn't clear the deal up front.<P>I feel manipulated when someone makes statements about how they can't trust you...<P>To be fully fair, you should have mentioned this before he asked, but you should also be able to send your grandmother money if it doesn't place the two of you at financial risk - which wouldn't be fair to him. Is there something that he wanted to buy that he couldn't after you spent the money?<P>Anne

Thank you all for responding! It does my heart good to know that There is support out there! I appreciate the time that you took to help me out! This is the first time I have ever posted in any forum, and it was very helpful!! <BR>My H is very adamant that problems should not leave our home, but sometimes you HAVE to talk to someone. I think I have found a new way to help our marriage if and when stormy seas occur!<BR>Thanks, and God bless!

Lorna,<BR>From the point of view of MB, I would say Yes & No. No you didn't do anything wrong and I agree with the others that your H over reacted. However, misleading your husband may not be a lie but it's dishonest. You should always be totally straightforward and open in all communication with your H. His behavior is another story and You may want to read through this site thoroughly to get help in getting him to better meet your ENs. Hang in there and keep in touch. The people here are a wealth of knowledge. Good Luck!<P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B

Thank you Brent,<P>When my H and I would have a conflict, I didn't know where to turn if we could not work it out. Family is great, but you never want to let them into too much of you personal biz. This site has helped me tremendously! I am hooked, and will keep returning to MB!<P>As far as EN... That has always been a problem as I am the emotional one of the marriage. I will follow your advice and check it out! This site has been great!<P>Thank you!